No Objects, No Sense

King Tut Explained by Someone Who Doesn't Understand King Tut

(A/N this was for school, believe it or not)

King Tutankhamen. Outside of him is his tomb. Outside of that is a door. Outside of that is a series of steps, and outside of that is Howard Carter with his team of archeologists on the 4th of November, 1922.

Howard Carter was an archeologist who had been searching for the tomb of King Tutankhamen for half a decade. He had been failing to discover anything for a while, and Lord Carnarvon, the wealthy but vulnerable man who had been funding Carter's searches, wanted to discontinue his digging, as he thought it was a complete waste of money. But Carter begged Carnarvon to fund the search for one more season, possibly by giving him a lifetime supply of non-existing whipped cream. For that final season, Carter brought his lucky yellow canary of wonders with him, and on the thrilling day of November 4th, 1922, Carter and his team of archeologists spotted a door. But it wasn't just any door, because on it, it said the name 'Tutankhamen'.

They hopped around like a family of excited rabbits and somersaulted into the room to find King Tut's tomb. Opening the tomb, Carter encountered many treasures and artifacts, along with a corpse, and the team cheered ecstatically. Five years of painful digging and determination had finally paid off! But little did they all know, tragedy was about to strike. 

Though King Tut is long dead, his soul is not. All of our souls are eternal. It is likely that thousands of years ago, Egyptian mummies had secretly practised dark magic, which could increase the power of their soul. In no time, King Tutankhamen had the most powerful soul out of anyone or anything on the planet. It could place a curse upon anyone who dares enter the tomb, no matter how late in the future that was. 

Soon after the discovery, Lord Carnarvon became a victim of the curse. King Tut's soul brainwashed a mosquito to find Lord Carnarvon and bite him in the cheek, which is exactly what happened in the spring of 1923. He became quite ill with a high fever when the bite was infected. Soon after that, he died, and all the lights in Cairo went out at that exact moment. That just shows how powerful and infuriated King Tut's soul was. Lord Carnarvon's dog later created a very lengthy, sorrowful howl. The howl quickly died, and so did the dog itself. Another victim of the curse was Howard Carter's lucky yellow canary, which was gruesomely murdered by a brainwashed cobra who really had nothing better to do.

However, the fact that King Tut's soul mind-controlled animals and that Egyptian mummies did black magic is all just a theory I made up in less than two minutes. If you want a real answer for what actually occurred, you'll have to wait 3,262 years, when a young girl by the name of Hazel Cricket will fall on her hands and knees, sobbing surrounded by a large group of hysterical, imaginary turtles. She'll pour glue down her throat, realize how alone she is, and understand what really happened to King Tut. Hazel will proceed to tell everyone she knows about her discovery, but unfortunately for her, no one will care in the slightest.

"Why does it matter," those people will say, "when there are feral goats attacking our coasts, seventy-three new planets being uncovered, and science experiments involving catapulting chimpanzee eyeballs into the shadow realm to detect signs of raining metal balls? We don't have time for conspiracies about things that happened 5,000 years ago!"

After seeing what will happen when the mystery of King Tut is solved, hopefully you'll realize that trying to figure it out now is a waste of time and energy, and we eagerly need to stop wondering about it if we want a bright future ahead of us.