The Voice of Ana

"It will all get better, just hang on," my friends tell me. Yeah, right. Sure it may get better, but I will never be okay again. I haven't been okay or particularly happy since I was twelve years old...that's when my life changed forever. I was a normal girl...I didn't care about how much I weighed or how I looked, it didn't matter to me how many calories were in that Snickers bar I shoved down my throat, I didn't care about how fat my thighs were because what reason did I have to care? Until I met her...her name is Ana. She's not really a person so much as she is a figment of my imagination. Ana looks very much like me black hair, deep brown eyes, and black clothing. Ana is the better version of me, the person I want to be black hair, clear pale skin, prominent cheek bones, collar bones that stick out, petite slender body, and a thigh gap a mile wide. Yes, she is beautiful...I would give anything to be as beautiful as she is. Anything. Including my love for food. Ana tells me what to eat or mostly what not to eat. Everyday around meal times she speaks to me from inside my head. Which is what's happening now, it is lunch time and again I have to tell my friends at school that I don't feel well. "Brooklyn, are you sure you're okay? You haven't eaten in three days. Mabey you should see a doctor about your flu." said my best friend Claire. "No, its just a cold. I just don't have an appetite right now is all," another white lie falls from my lips. It is true, I haven't eaten in three days...I can't deny how hungry I am though. As I start to reach for the burger in front of me I hear her voice, "Do you reeaally need that, fatty? Don't let Claire see you pig out, look at how perfectly skinny she is, she thinks you're disgusting. Don't eat piggy oink oink." Despite hearing Ana I still decide to eat the burger, after I finish the burger my mind shuts down and I go into full panic mode. "How could you eat that?!? You're already fat and that burger will just add onto those thunder thighs of yours! Go stick your fingers down your throat and vomit until you bleed fat cow!" Ana's words sting, but I obey her commands. "Hey Claire, I'm going to go to the loo. I'll be back in a second." I jog down my school hallway determined to upchuck before those calories settle on my thighs. When I get to the loo I shut the stall door, pull my hair into a ponytail, and stick my fingers down my throat and just like magic up comes the burger I had just eaten. "Good cow. Now go jog off that weight of yours." After school I jog for two hours, just long enough to miss dinner, when I return home I run straight to the loo. I undress and turn on the shower, water covers my body...which is nude...giving Ana the perfect opportunity to give me some advice. "Look at your stomach, if you wouldn't have eaten that burger earlier it wouldn't be as fat. You look like a beached whale Brooklyn. If you would obey my commands then you would be almost as beautiful as I," she screams from inside my head. I lean against the shower wall and start to cry. Why couldn't I just be born pretty and skinny? Just like Claire, Claire is perfect...chestnut brown hair that falls perfectly in front of her hazel eyes, her slender body only weighing 95 pounds. She probably only hangs out with me to make herself look better, why else would anyone want to hang out with the fat cow Brooklyn? I pick up the shaving razor and I use it to cut my skin. I've read about cutting on the internet and now I see why people think it helps...for one moment all the pain you feel is released. "How pathetic, are you trying to cut all that fat off of your thighs?" Ana says. I realize I have been in the shower for almost an hour so I shut the water off and wrap a towel around myself as I head up the stairs to my bedroom. Sleep is the one thing I look forward to everyday, it is the one time Ana's voice is not able to reach me. As I drift off into sleep I an still feel the blood dripping down my thighs. The next morning I woke up in a room that was not my own. This room was very clean, white walls, and shiny marble floors. This bed was on wheels and an incessant beeping noise greeted me good morning. I felt dizzy and confused, I looked down at my wrist there was a needle pumping clear liquid into my bloodstream. Was I in a hospital? Why am I here? That's when I remembered what I had done just as the doctor appeared in the doorway. "Oh good, you're awake. Some pretty nasty cuts you've got on your thighs, you're lucky your mum found you when she did. You were almost dead in when we got you here," the doctor said as he placed a tray of food on my bedside table, "I want you to eat this. Your mum says you haven't eaten in almost a week. She's worried about you Brooklyn. You need to eat before you die." I pick up my fork hesitantly and take a bite of oatmeal only to satisfy the doctor who then leaves the room. "You can't eat that! Do you know how fattening that oatmeal is??" I hurried to the loo to dispose of the food. As I get back into the hospital bed my mum sits next to me on the bed and says, "are you okay darling? You know you could have died." "I know mum, I'm sorry I don't know why I did it. It just kind of happened. I promise I will stop." Look at that. That was another lie. I won't stop until I'm beautiful. Until I no longer hear Ana's voice in my head. Until I am skin and bones, beautiful. "Ha! Skin and bones, who are you kidding you'll be dust and ash before you're skin and bones fat cow." Ana screams harshly. A week passes and the doctors say I am okay to go back home as long as I don't cut and I keep eating. Ha yeah right, who do they think they're dealing with? I'm not going to stop until I'm beautiful. Four days later and I still haven't eaten, my family says I'm wasting away but I don't understand what they mean.... I'm still a fat cow. I destroyed all of my mirrors, I can't bear to look at my ugly face and body any longer. I'm so sick of being this way. I've been jogging everyday and barely eating but nothing is working. I feel much too weak and tired all of the time, sometimes I just pass out on the side of the road as I'm jogging. Other times I pass out for a few days in my bedroom. "I think you're killing yourself Brooklyn." my mum says with tears in her eyes. "No, I'm alright really. I'm just tired." I run to my room and strt to cry. This can't be right. Why do they think I'm skinny? I'm a fat cow. I'll never be good enough. I'm only going to be beautiful when I'm dead just like Ana said. Then I will be bones. I will have a thigh gap, collar bones, and hip bones. This thought pleases me, I pick up the knife I stole from the kitchen and carve 'FAT' on my wrist. I watch as the blood bubbles up and drips onto the floor. A smile forms on my face as I start to slowly fade away into a better life where I am beautiful and I am skin and bones. My life never got better like they said it would....mabey the phrase should be, "The afterlife is better darling, don't hold on to this one..."