Ephemeral

Still loved

"I don't go farther than this Melanie," He said gently, putting his hands lightly on my shoulders and pushing me forward. "The rest of the journey is yours to make by yourself." His smile was gentle like his eyes.

I fought the lump in my throat, blinking furiously and swallowing hard. "W-what do you mean?" It hurt to speak.

He looked up at the clear sky, still smiling softly. "I promised you I'd take you to San Fransisco." He raised his hands as if to say we were here. "I kept my word. But I can't keep doing this. You gotta let me go."

There were many things I wanted to say to him. My brain rushed to find the words to fill up the short silence, to mend the fraying ropes holding us together. But when my mouth opened, nothing came out. Nothing I intended to, any ways.

"Won't you at least see me in?"

He looked down at me, his azure gaze stealing my breath away and making the ever growing regret and guilt consume me again. Until he spoke.

"It won't be worth it, Mel," He said softly.

There was finality in his voice, resignation on his face and it was that look that finally broke me. Broke all the control I had kept for the past few weeks.

Tears brimmed in my eyes and spilled over soundlessly and I couldn't have controlled them even if I wanted to.

"I'm so sorry, Colin. So sorry. I never meant for us to turn out like this," I croaked biting my lip and looking away to try and hide my pain.

Fingers pressed under my chin, tilting my face forward until my eyes bore straight into his and held them. There was nothing in them but reassurance.

"It's okay, Mel. I've told you that before too. Things happen, people make mistakes. But mistakes get forgiven and I've forgiven you. I have for a long time. There's no need to beat yourself up anymore." His words were soft, smooth and firm. Wrapping around me and gripping my heart like a vice.

They only made me cry more because they served as a reminder that he really had moved on. That he had put the past behind him.

"Melanie? What is it? Is it something else?" His eyes searched mine for an answer he would never know.

I still love you, Colin. I never stopped.

"No. It's nothing," I pushed his hand away and took in a deep breath, creating some space between us and wiping away my tears. "I'm okay," I smiled, or tried to.

My heart was in too much agony. But I knew he needed this. He deserved a happy life and I couldn't keep dragging him down. Like he said, I had to let him go.

"You sure there isn't something you want to tell me?" He asked, still looking worried.

I bit my lip, the confession on the tip of my tongue. But then I met his eyes and saw there a vision of him finally carefree and bereft of any past ghosts. Like he used to be before he met me.

"No more surprises Colin. Just that...that I'll miss you," I said hoarsely, finally letting my smile get bigger no matter how much it hurt my muscles.

All they wanted to do was frown and weep.

He let out a sigh. "I'll miss you too, Mel," He moved forward suddenly and then his arms were around me, enveloping me in his strong chest and holding me tight.

A goodbye hug.

I inhaled in his heady scent, of orange shampoo and musk and something entirely him. And then let my arms reach up and hold him tight closing my eyes to savour the moment. I'd never get another one of his addictive hugs, and that fact alone made me hold him tighter than ever before.

Never had I wished for time to freeze more than I did in that moment. I wanted us to stay like this forever, in each other's arms never letting go. I felt right at home, more so than I had ever felt with my own family.

When his hold loosened, I bit my lip, my eyes filling up again. I wanted to clench a fist around his shirt to get him to stay, to scream out that I didn't to go anywhere without him. But I didn't do any of that. I stayed still, reigning it all in because I loved him enough to want his happiness before anything. He pressed a kiss to my forehead. A tear traced the curve of my cheek.

"Take care, Melanie West. You've been a roller coaster ride."

I let out a breathy laugh, then looked up to see those cerulean eyes that were the first thing I had always wished to see first thing each morning and the last each night. This was my last time getting lost in them and I never wanted to pull myself out.

"Take care, Colin Strider. You've been the best thing to ever happen to me," I whispered, searching his eyes for a moment before closing them and stepping away. "Don't forget to enjoy it all. You deserve it."

He opened his mouth to say something, an indescribable emotion playing across his face before he closed it, nodded and took a step back. "I will. And you take care, yeah?"

"Yeah," I croaked, taking another step behind.

And we continued on like that, stepping back until we got smaller and smaller, farther away from one another until he had to round the corner and I had to go the other way.

Just like that, he was gone and we both walked on separate paths. It was only when a good ten minutes had passed that I finally let go, collapsing on the pavement and letting the sobs out. They tumbled out of me, out of my core and enveloping me in a sea of agony where there was no shore and I didn't bother finding one either. I let the pain consume me, let it become me because I deserved it. I deserved it all. But still, I was selfish enough to want what I once had and ruined.

I love you. Please don't leave me. I don't deserve you, but please don't leave me, Colin. Come back.

Come back.

But he was already gone. I'd let him go.