Monologue #84: Highway

Highway

Hope we get a ride pretty soon man it's getting cold out here. No coffee for me, man, it's not my thing anymore, ya know? All those little starving present coffee farmers down in South America...I don't wanna be responsible for that ya know? Like you're either part of the problem or you're part of the solution. No coffee, no sugar, no meat, no Nikes. It's all connected, man, it's all part of the big picture. If you don't believe that then it's like we're all living in a giant TV screen that isn't tuned to any station. Billions of dots just bouncing and frying around. Noise in a void. Snow. Dots. But there's always a big picture. Sometimes you can't see it, but it's there. Last night, I was hitchin', and in a few minutes, everything made sense. Stars were floatin' high in the sky. I could smell the grass. The crickets were cricketing. I was in harmony with the universe.

And then I heard this sound from far away: BEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP! and then I saw it, this giant eighteen- wheeler blowin' down on me, doin' ninety miles an hour and I look up through the windshield, I could see the driver. One of those bizzaro zombies of our modern-day life chowing down on this huge meatball sub as he drove.

And I thought, that pretty much sums it up. Meatballs, man. Like what's the karma in a meatball? Only humans make balls of other animals. Like in kindergarten when you were coloring in your coloring book: What does the doggy say? "Bowwow." What does the kitty say? "Meow meow." What does the mooncow say? "AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"

Oh yeah, dude tried to run me over, man. And as I jumped out of the way and he blew past, he had his window down swearin' at me: "FUCK YOU, LOSER. SHIT FREAKIN' FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE SUCK MY DICK, FUCKHEAD. FUCK FUCK FUCK." Spitting out globs of phlgem cause he's stuffed with mucus from all the dairy products he consumes. And then he reached up and BLAAAAP BLAAAP BLAAAAP! Totally fucked me up, man. Could not hear the crickets for hours. Like what's an airhorn, man, but the sound of the end of civilization.

See I can't take this toxic shit anymore, man. Cannot do it. That's why I hit the road, man. Oh yeah. I just walked up to my boss one day and I said, "I'm outta here." ...What? He didn't care. He's got people lining up around the block making those lattes he just said, "What are you gonna do about money?" and I said, "I don't need money, man, money is just to buy stuff. And I don't need stuff, man. I'm free."

Oh my boss? Yeah he said, "Well, you'll be singing another song when you're old." and I said, "When I'm old, the same thing will happen to me that's gonna happen to you. I'm gonna die except that you're gonna be so rich in your portfolios and mutual funds and IRAs and shit that they're not gonna let you die. They'll stick you in one of those old age Cells with the adjustable beds that go up and down and a remote control for a TV set. Just hope you're not peralized or you'll be watching QVC round the clock for the rest of your feeble life. Me? When I die I'm just gonna curl up on a pile of leaves in the middle of the woods and croak. And maybe if I'm lucky an acorn will get lodged in my butt-crack and then a giant oak tree will grow out of my ass and drop acorns all over my grave. And then a deer will come and munch on those acorns and my karma will go from those acorns into that deer and then a mountain lion will eat that deer and my karma will go to that lion's sperm and when that lion mates it with his old lady, I'm gonna come back as a baby lion and spend my next life just poppin' around doing that mountain lion thing."... He just gave me this weird look and patted me on the back and said, "Good luck, dude." and I said, "I don't need luck, man, cause you're the one on the Titanic."

Alaska, the last real place in America.

I'm just gonna take this highway as far it goes and find a road and take it as far as it goes, then find a path and walk it 'til there's no path...then I'm completely surrounded by woods. And then I'm going to step into the wilderness. Live on berries and shit. Not botherin' anybody...not hurting anything. Something I have to do, man. 'Cause I'm a first class passenger on the spaceship earth. And I got one ticket and I gotta make the ride count...y'know? And as far as I figure, you can either take the service road or the scenic route and...if I only have one ride, I want it to be beautiful. And if nobody ever hears from me again, it'll be okay. If nobody ever knows where I am, I won't mind...'cause I'll know where I am. And that's the most important thing.