Do you ever look at your reflection and feel disgusted? Just pure disgust and utter hatred for yourself?
Maybe not. Everyone doesn't feel this way about themselves. They don't feel the hatred, the disgust. The way I felt about myself, not everyone can feel it. I don't even wish this feeling upon anyone, not even my worst enemy.
This feeling could make or break a man. And for me it was doing the latter.
As I sit here, beside my bedroom window, a cold breeze blew inside. It has been drizzling for the past five hours. The sky is gloomy and the weather is cold. It was the perfect interpretation of what I felt.
I thought long and hard about the things I've done in my life, the things that I've achieved.
Nothing.
Nothing is the only thought my mind could form. And as my tears fall to the ground, I realize that I should've killed myself. I was at that breaking point, again. I seem to come here at least once a year, broken and willing to die.
I, usually, survived past this breaking point without doing something extremely damaging (kind of?). I read somewhere that suicide is never the answer because you just transfer your sadness to another as you pass away. This thought is what kept me alive all these years. Or maybe the fact that I'm a coward played a huge role. Or maybe both.
You know how people always say that you should cut the toxic people out of your life? Well, I have a question for them. How do you cut out the toxicity if you, yourself are toxic? I don't know what to think.
I just realized that I need a peaceful sleep. A sleep where no one would bother me and no one would care. But they do care, you know, my family. They do care. I hurt them so bad this time. I really fucked up. I wish I could end their misery, but I can't think of a way. I just want someone to hold me, to tell me it'll be fine. But alas! There is no one.
Thus, as I sit here, looking at the window and seeing my reflection on the glass, I start to think what would be better. Cutting or overdosing?
Because right now, breathing hurts.
