Three Words

Chapter 25 - Tris

A/N: Thank you for everyone that is reading, liking, and commenting on my story. I read everyone's comments and really enjoy hearing from everyone. This chapter was pretty hard to write, but hopefully you'll understand why. Thank you and enjoy!

I glance at the clock, and then return my gaze to the ceiling, watching the shadows slowly creep overhead.  I might have gotten a couple of hours of sleep tonight.  I haven't slept this poorly in a long time.  Ever since I met Tobias my nightmares have all but disappeared.  Something about him has kept my nightmares at bay these past months.  But not tonight.  My nightmares returned in full force, being the most vivid and disturbing I've experienced in a long time.

I woke in a cold sweat, feeling my heart nearly beat out of my chest, as I tried desperately not to scream as the images of my dream remained imbedded in my memory.  I briefly thought about calling Tobias, just to hear his voice, in hopes to rid my mind of the disturbing images, but I know he would drive over here just to comfort me.  I've lost all hope of gaining any more sleep tonight, and I'll be damned if anyone else loses theirs because of me, especially him.

I breathe in deeply, letting air fill my lungs to the point where it's almost painful, then let it out slowly, running my fingers through my hair.  It's been two years.  So much of my life has changed in that time.  When I felt the life leave Matthew, I thought he had taken with him any hope that I would ever find happiness again.  I thought I would live alone for the rest of my life with only our memories together for comfort.  I thought Matthew was it for me. 

I feel the tears begin to slowly run down my cheeks without my permission, as I take in another shaky breath.  I never thought anyone would ever even consider someone like me romantically ever again.  I felt my fate was sealed.  I'm not what most men would consider pretty.  I am plain at best, and completely blend into the background.  Trying to find a decent date in my thirties would be difficult right now, but with a child added to that mix, most men would run away screaming.  Not wanting to come near that kind of responsibility.  But somehow, miraculously, I found a man that thinks I'm beautiful, that loves me, and is great with Zoe. 

I loved Matthew so much, but I love Tobias too.  I know Matthew and I had the conversation about me moving on after him, but something in me just wants some sign that Matthew is ok with Tobias.  That Tobias is not only good for me, but for Zoe too. 

Thoughts that I have been suppressing for months start to swirl around my mind, but I push them aside.  I can't think about them right now.  Not with Zoe in the house.  I know I need to face them, but I just can't right now.  I really can't talk about this with Tobias either.  I know he would probably be a great comfort, but something always holds me back.  I really want him to continue to think that my birthday is worth celebrating, and not know how truly fucked up it really is.  Tobias has been so patient in that he hasn't asked me to divulge the details about Matthews death, but I know Tobias is holding back on telling me all the details of his past too.

Tobias hasn't really spoken of his family since the night of our first date, especially his father.  I know there has to be more concerning the abuse, but I'm not going to bring it up. I've seen something stir behind his eyes when I make a comment about my childhood or parents, but usually before I can place what it is, it's gone.  I hope he will trust me enough in the future to tell me of his horrors, but I know it will be a long time before that happens.  And honestly, I'm not sure I'm ready to burden him with my grief and turmoil either.  He has enough in his past that he deals with. 

I feel more tears slide down my cheeks, my hands shaking against the blanket.  I wipe the tears away in frustration, throwing my hands back down.  I want Tobias' arms around me for comfort, but I need to do this by myself today.  I know this is going to be hell later, but I need to do it.  I need to make it through this day by myself, so I can pretend to be happy tonight when everyone else wants to celebrate.