Slow Down

1

  
It was the first day of ninth grade. I had done pretty well all day, considering. I had never seen him before, not really. We all went to the same schools, us Castle Rock kids. He was always one of those "no good boys". The ones I always avoided. I didn't have any friends, because girls my age, in that town, didn't have any REAL friends. I didn't want to part of that world where everyone was always pretending. And making friends with boys was hard. I didn't know it at the time, but I was really pretty. Prettier than most girls in Oregon. Anyway, the closest thing I had to having a friend was my alliance with Gordie Lachance. He was sort of like me, in the way of keeping to himself. So that day, I was walking to class beside of Gordie. We were talking about our math assignment, which we both despised. We were both much better at English. That was when I saw him approaching. Chris Chambers was a boy who almost every girl had gone out with, and every one of them had gotten hurt. And now this, this feared, beautiful legend of a boy was walking toward me. Chris Chambers, brother to no-good Eyeball Chambers. Christopher, the boy who made good grades due to his undeniable intelligence, but hung out in the back of Alleys with his feeble friends. The Chambers kid who broke girls hearts but always drew them back in with his heart-softening smile and charm. And as he continued to walk towards me, he gave me that smile. And gosh, I felt my heart cave in with desire. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. Because under all that bad-boy image, there was something deep hidden in those bright green eyes.

                       PART 2
"Hey," Chris said to me. It took me a second to snap back into reality. Instead of answering, I looked beside of me, expecting to see Gordie, but he had deserted. In fact, so had everyone. 'Oh, crap,' I thought. The bell had rung. But of course, on top of everything else, this boy was determined. So I continued the route to my next class, ignoring him. And he followed me. Great. "I've seen you around before," he said. After waiting for an answer for about 5 seconds, and then figuring out he wasn't going to get an answer, he continued. "You're different. Not typical." Was this good or bad? I didn't ask. "I was wondering if you had a boyfriend..?" What the h***?What kind of question was that?! If I barely had any friends, how could I have a boyfriend? Gordie already had a gf, so he wasn't an option. We were at my classroom door now. "No," I said, in response to his earlier question. "Let's go out after school." It wasn't a question. I laughed, which made him a bit more confused. I suddenly became giddy. "Don't you have somebody else you'd rather go with?" I asked. "You're the prettiest girl in this school," I heard his muffled voice whisper as I darted inside the classroom with my blushing, uncontrolled self.
                    PART THREE
This kept happening for about a week. The rushed, giddy half-conversations that ended with him giving me either one of those smiles or a cute compliment. The thing that always got me was the fact that he looked me in the eye, which no boy had ever done to me before. Those piercing green eyes. After a while, we started to see each other outside of school, but we never did more than talk. We went to the diner, and nothing happened until the third time we went.

It was a Thursday. A football game. We were the kind of kids (we had somewhat in common) who would never go to those events, and if we did go out, it was to meet up with friends somewhere entirely different. So we met at the local diner, Kings, (again) and somehow we ended up talking about our Eighth grade school year. We both agreed that it was our worst year. For some reason, Chris didn't like to talk about 7th grade, so I didn't pry. At one point, I thought I heard Gordie's name, but ignored my instincts.
  I had learned quite a bit about Chris in the past few weeks. I mean, he didn't tell me very much, (especially when it came to his home life), but when certain subjects came up, he would look me in the eye, and I would somehow understand. We always understood each other. He wasn't like the other girls had said he was. A player. A cheater. A fake. Chris was real, and I was the only one who knew it.
  Anyway, we had started to compare our hormonal last year lives, when the subject of significant others came up. He was telling me about how many times he had unsuccessfully tried to get more than a kiss from every "girlfriend" he had had in those days, and we were laughing. Then came the inevitable question: "Did you ever have a boyfriend?"  My mind spun. Shoot. I was embarrassed to admit it, but I had never had a boyfriend. Ever. Man, if I said that, I knew I'd sound like a second grade schoolgirl. But I decided to admit that at FOURTEEN, I had never been kissed, flirted with, or asked out by anybody. I was invisible. I decided just to say I had never had a real relationship. But, anyway, I think he got it. "So you've never been kissed?!" The question was asked with such disbelief that I had to struggle to hide my obvious smile. "Nope," I said. And then we just stared at each other's eyes for what seemed like forever. "Can-...Can I be the first?" was what Chris finally said. I leaned forward, with great anticipation. We were so close in that booth. I opened my mouth, just a little bit, and then I-- stopped. Did I really want this? What if he hurt me? What if the only reason I found him innocent was because of those looks, those green eyes? Did I really want my first kiss to be here, now, with this boy I'm only on my way to trusting? "Yes." I say the answer out loud, whispering. I only live once. I'm the youngest I'll ever be. If I keep waiting, pacing, wasting my life on poetry and studying, where will my life go? You have to take chances. It isn't a chance if there isn't a possibility you'll get hurt. We learn from people's mistakes. But some one's got to make them. I am here. I am now. He is beautiful. Why not?

                       PART 4
And then we kiss. And there is nothing but us. We are everything, we are nothing. Sure, the kiss is hard, but that's what he's used to. I open my eye for a millisecond, and close it again. We fit together so well. His hands run up and down my back, to my collarbone, to my waist. I dig my hands into his thick, blond hair. And then I realize, I am kissing Chris Chambers. He is holding me. There are probably girls from school looking at us with disapproving looks.

And then I realize, this is too much.

This is not what a first kiss is supposed to be like. It's supposed to be short, sweet. A peck. No, I'm not kissing this boy. I am making out with him. I don't want this. I'm not a slut. I'm just me. And I can't do this yet. And suddenly, I'm crying. I break my face away and put it to his shoulder. He must feel me quivering, because he pulls back and looks me in the eyes, and again I'm struck. His green eyes. But even that cannot bring me out of this state. "What is it?" he asks, but then as soon as he says it, his face changes. He gets it. "Oh, I'm so so sorry, Y/N. I'm so sorry. I flew off." And I'm repeating, "It's okay, it's okay, I'm fine," but my tears are getting in the way. And then he picks me up, kisses me on the forehead, and carries me out the door. I'm surprised at how strong he is, considering his build. We reach his car, and he sits me down on the hood. I sit up and hug him. That's all I want. Just him. Just for us to hold each other. And that's just what we do. We don't kiss again and we don't run our hands all over our bodies, we just, well hug. And that's enough.

                     PART 5
There are things you can't make happen, or change. There are things you just have to live with. There are things that are okay and there are things that shouldn't happen yet. You should be able to guess what's coming. But never know. I once didn't understand the differences between these. You can go ahead, you can follow behind. But the now is all you need. The now is when things happen. Where you can feel things. How you can define yourself. This is life, and life is now. It's in motion. Things happen. Things change. Things get bad. You just have to find someone to make things better. And I did. Hey, Jude...