I Hate That I Love You || (n.j.)

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"I've fallen out of love with you. I don't what else you want me to say! That's as simple as I can put it for you." She yells at me, each of her words like a dagger to my heart. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I put my hand over my heart and it felt like it could jump out of my chest at any moment. She knew these words hurt me.

"I...." That was all I could get past my lips. I could not let her slip through my fingers after three years of marriage. I stepped over to her and put my lips on hers, bringing our hands and putting them on her waist. She melts at my touch as always, bringing her hands up to put them on my neck. I was not about to let her go.

"You love me Kena." I whispered to her against her mouth before pulling my lips from hers softly. I pushed a piece of brunette hair behind her ear and got lost in her deep blue eyes once again. She nodded to me slowly and put her lips on mine, going to my neck progressively.

"We didn't say these vows for nothing," I held up her hand with the ring I gave her on it so she could see it," I can't just unlove you Makena." I told her quietly and softly, kissing her hand.

"I don't love you anymore Nick. Not like I used to." She whispers to me, biting her lip to hold back her tears. I feel a lump get created in my throat and I try my best to swallow it.

"I....I can't let you go..." I reply in the sweetest tone I can manage without tears threatening to come out. I needed to be strong.

"I know. It's going to be hard. I'll stay here one more night." She tries to show a reassuring smile that's weak but it was something. I shook my head no.

"I've given you everything you wanted. I was there when you needed me most. How did this happen?" I softly ask, her and I still standing the middle of our living room.

"I don't know."

"That isn't an answer." All she does is shake her pretty little head at me. Her eyes close for a moment, before she opens them again and looks at me. I could see a glint of hope, but as soon as it was there, it was gone.

"Let's just pretend. I'll fight for as long as you let me." I told her with honesty. I would fight as long as I could for her.

"Okay, Nick. I can give you that." She smiles at me, and I can tell that this one was real. I pulled her in for a hug, and I could feel her body shake as she began to cry. I tightened my grasp on her and I held her as long as she needed me to. Her sobs soaked through the shoulder of my thin shirt, but I didn't care.

"I don't want to leave. I'm just not happy here anymore Nick. I don't know what to do." She manages through her cries.

"Whatever makes you happy. That's all I want. And if it takes you to be with someone different to make you happy, I'll support you." I swallowed back my tears and could hear my voice crack with every word I spoke.

"Thank you Nick. Thank you so much." She hugs me tighter, her hands on my shoulders. I hear her sniffle and then she pulls away from me. Makena's eyes are more blue then ever from crying and I can't help but be intrigued by them. That was one of the first things I noticed about her.

"Of course Kena. I love you, and that will never change."

"I'm so grateful for you. I truly am." She told me, speaking clearly with her chin held high. I listened in to the radio that we had playing softly, the sound streaming through the speakers on the ceiling all around the massive house. It was our song that was playing. Our wedding song, and the song that was playing when we first met. 'A Drop In The Ocean' by Ron Pope.

"It's just a drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together..." I sang softly in her ear as she pulled me for another hug.

"...it's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I'm holding you closer then most, 'cause you are my heaven..." I hummed along to the rest, feeling her relax as I sang to her. The rest of the night was pretty quiet. We talked about memories we had, and tried really hard not to think about what was going to happen tomorrow. My wife was leaving me tomorrow. I was trying to mentally prepare myself, but it was so hard.

"Remember when I almost freaked out on the paparazzi because of what they said about us?" This was the first time I had seen her laugh, really laugh, in the past couple of days. It was an amazing sight and feeling. Her laugh was for sure contagious.

"Oh my goodness, yes! I practically had to hold you back!" I clap and laugh, throwing my head back. I loved the sound of her laugh too. I just loved everything about her.

"Great times." Makena says quietly, her eyes suddenly going to the couch. She's sitting across from me, one leg under her and the other dangling off the side. I can even think of some memories we have in this living room. Painting it ourselves, how I'd come home to her sleeping still in her paint splatter clothes because she tried to wait up for me. I was losing that tomorrow.

"I'm going to sleep here tonight." I hear her whisper as I listen to the soft radio playing and zone out. I look up at her slowly, tears threatening to well up in my eyes. I let one sneak and roll down my cheek, eventually falling on the couch.

"What?" I had to whisper to keep my voice from cracking too much.

"I just think it'll be best." I didn't reply. I couldn't. Didn't she see how much I was getting hurt already? I wasn't about to blame her or fight with her, but come on.

"If that's what you want. Hopefully I'll see you in the morning. I love you with all of my heart Makena, I want you to know that." I stand up and kiss her forehead before heading to the stairs to go upstairs to bed. Once I reach my bedroom, I break down without any hesitation. I don't bother closing the door, but just sit on the floor and just cry. One of my sobs was so loud, I was sure that she heard it. I tried to keep the rest of them silent as all the tears fell on the hardwood floor. I wasn't sure how much more I could take. I got the courage soon enough to climb into bed and try to get some sleep, but it was almost impossible. I tossed and turned and kept having dreams of how tomorrow would happen as she walked out the door, and I just let her. Soon, my dreams took me into a deep sleep.

"Here, I want you to have it. I don't have any use for it." I choked back my cries as Maken laid her wedding ring in the palm of my hand. I wrapped my fingers around it, not letting it go.

"I hope everything goes well. And I hope to see you around." I said to her in a normal time, trying to not sound desperate to make her stay. I knew that there was no persuading her at this point. All of her things were packed and she was ready to move back in with her sister.

"You too Nick. Take care." She turns so I can't see her tears fall. I don't think she realized that I did see them, and it hurt me to see her like this. I watch her walk away and get into her car, starting it and driving away. As I closed the door and looked at the spacious house in front of me, I felt more broken then I ever had in my life. It was the worst feeling ever. I walked into the living room and sat on the couch, seeing her blanket still there. She never took it. As childish as it may be, I took it and held it tightly, like this was all I had left of her.

"Delete." Over the next few days, I was going through the pictures of Makena on my phone, knowing for sure she wasn't coming back. I kept some of them, but deleted a majority. I wasn't over her, and probably wouldn't be for a long time, so I needed something. It was like the other half of me was ripped away. It wasn't easy either.