I Hate That I Love You || (n.j.)

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I walked outside of the airport doors, half expecting Makena to be waiting by the car for me with a big smile on her face like she used to. I told myself it wasn't going to happen and that I had to get over her. It's been a year and four months since she left, so I needed to do something to distract me from her. It was almost impossible. In a way, I hated the fact that I still was head over heels for her, but at the same time it was a great feeling. Maybe I just hated that I still loved her. It was so impossible to get away from her. I still live in the house we were in together for four years, and I cannot seem to get away from her at all. There are still a couple of things she left, and maybe they were left on purpose, but maybe they weren't. I still kept them, but I knew she'd probably notice anyway. Or maybe she just wanted me to keep those memories. I have a flannel shirt in my closet that she used to wear all the time, and it's still in the same place she put it.

"You're being ridiculous Nick." I tell myself, shaking my head. I get in my car and begin driving home to my big, empty house. I was silent the whole way, humming along to some of the songs on the radio. It was really great to be back home after my three month long tour.

"Hey buddy, I'm home." I greet my dog Elvis at the door. He happily wags his tail at me, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. I recently got him a little before I went on tour, but he was just staying at the shelter until I got home. I groaned as he jumped up at me, causing me to fall to the floor.

"Duuude." I laugh as he puts all of his body weight on me, probably not knowing his own weight. All of a sudden, there's a knock at the door. Elvis gets up and starts to bark right away, but I shush him up.

"Hi." She says quietly as I open the door to reveal her in a breathtaking dress. It's been months, but she still looks gorgeous as always.

"Hey Makena." I casually reply, leaning on the door frame, Elvis sitting next to me in a protective way.

"So, I think I left some things here and I was wondering if I could check if they were here." She clears her throat and I can see her cheeks turning somewhat pink.

"Uh...yeah that's fine. Whatever you have to do." I step aside to let her come in the house. Makena walks past me, going to the stairs right away. I couldn't help but feel something pulling me to her. I was attracted to her all over again. I needed her. I grabbed my bags and headed upstairs as well, following her into my bedroom.

"Ah, here it is." I hear her say as she's in my closet. Makena pulls out a blanket that she kept in there for ages.

"Yeah. I forgot about that." I say quietly, unzipping my suitcase and trying not to stare at her.

"This is so wrong." She whispers as I gently kiss the back of her neck, her body sinking into mine. I wasn't sure what to say. We were standing against the wall in my room, her back against my chest as I leaned back.

"I can't let you go, it was such a mistake Kena." I was literally thinking that I, Nick Jonas, could somehow convince her to just love me again. I really was.

"Nick I...." She trailed off, seeming to lose her breath as my kisses lead up to her jaw, from her neck, and then all the way to her lips. Our breathing got heavy and before either of us knew it, our clothes were in a pile on the floor as I hovered over her in the bed. She didn't pull away or refuse either. It was like we were still married. As I laid kisses on her neck, a moan escaped her lips.

"I need you Nick." That was all it took.

"That was such a mistake." Makena paces the kitchen and constantly is shaking her head in disbelief. My mouth gaped open, but I knew that she was somewhat correct.

"I love you so much Makena. I cannot let you go baby." I pleaded, not daring to step near her. I knew that she needed her space.

"I can't Nick. I just can't do it anymore. I don't see you the same way that I used to. I'm sorry." She croaked out, tears threatening to pour down her face. I walked over and wrapped my arms around her comfortingly, rubbing her back up and down. She calmed down a bit.

"Okay. I won't beg anymore, I promise. You can leave now, and we'll never have to talk again." I said it a little more stern then anticipated, but I meant it. As hard as it was going to be.

"But it isn't what I want." She whines, her shoulders slumping once more. I step back and just look at her. She was a mess.

"Then stay."

"I can't Nick. I'm just not happy." With that, Makena walked out of the house again, not making eye contact with me. I closed the door behind her, feeling my chest lock up as Elvis came and licked my hand. I pet his head and swallowed. I hated this so, so much. I walked up to my room, eventually falling asleep to the soft sound of Elvis snoring. I woke up and instantly felt dehydrated. I got up right away and trudged downstairs tiredly. I made myself coffee instantly, letting Elvis outside.

"Hey. So I was just wondering if you wanted to go out tonight, since we're both off now. Call me back bro." Joe's voice rang out through the kitchen in my empty house. I deleted the voicemail and ran my hand over my face tiredly. I really didn't want to go out, and just wanted to relax at home and maybe play around with making some new lyrics. I chose to just send him a quick text.

Nick: sorry, dude. I really just want to stay home and relax after my tour tonight. You can come hang if you want though. I just need to try and get my mind off her.....

He didn't reply for awhile, so I decided to get dressed for the day. I put on some black jeans, a blue polka dot button-up shirt, and part my hair to the side a bit. After that, I cleaned the house before my phone dinged and signaled that my older brother sent me a text.

Joe: Completely understandable man. And yeah, maybe I'll swing by. This whole thing with Kena will get better soon.

If I ever needed anyone, Joe was always there. He's really my best friend. I hadn't told him, or anyone for that matter, about Makena and I sleeping together yesterday. I felt like I regretted it, but in some weird, twisted way, I needed her. I groaned at myself and I grabbed my guitar from its stand in my living room, sitting one the couch and starting to strum and hum softly. My dog jumped up by me and curled up on the other side of the couch.

"It's just a drop in the ocean..." As I began to sing a cover of that song, I felt my throat tighten, but tears were no longer there. My chest tightened as I kept singing, and couldn't really stop it.

".....I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert...." A lot of memories of Makena and I dancing at our wedding reception flood over me, her smiling face directed toward me almost the whole time.

"You need to forget her Nick." Joe's voice sounded behind me. I jumped and looked behind me, he knew that song was mine and hers. I turned fully as he walked over to me and sat on the coffee table right in front of the couch.

"I know. It's just so hard bro." I threw my head back and put my guitar next to me on the couch.

"It is." He nodded, running his hand through his almost black hair.

"Yesterday her and I um...." I started to tell him what happened, but couldn't really get it out. He gasped a bit and looked at me wide-eyed.

"You didn't." Joe said, and I nodded.

"She came over to get something she left here, and I just couldn't help it dude. I couldn't. She left right after though." I let out a deep breath I was holding in.

"Nick...."

"You know what? Let's go out tonight. I need to get her off my mind, and being home isn't going to help." I stand up and Elvis stands up as well. Joe smiles and we begin to get ready to leave. Maybe some drinks will help me.