Paradoxical

Repetition

n.н'ѕ pov

Repetitive nature is addicting to the human soul. The nature of humans are complex. Yet we crave the simple things in life. A single human thought can be labyrinthine. We are multifarious. And being too variegated leads to many problems. Many mistakes. So we make mistakes. But what happens afterwards?

Simple, ironically unlike the human mind. We do not learn. Our repetitive nature consumes us. And we make mistakes again. And again. And again. Until we get it right.

But I never seem to be able to get it right. Because you still slipped through my fingers the second time.

~~~~~

March 11, 2013 6:37PM

Four days later, I still couldn't sleep. Four days later, I still hadn't heard back from you. Fours days later, you still had my hoodie.

The car ride to the radio station was long. Loud and long. Everything had gotten to me that morning. The high pitched screeches, the pounding on the car doors, the never ending maze of bodies. The absence of you. It gets overwhelming at times, being treated like a precious caged bird. Everybody wants you, but no one can have you.

Everything droned by the rest of the day. The absence of you very much present.

~~~~

8:34AM

"So, you handsome boys all got a special someone?"

It was one simple question. Yet, the desirable answer itching at the back of my throat was complex.

~~~~

11:15AM

"Niall, what'd ya like for lunch?"

"Food?"

Somewhere my mind registered a muttered 'sarcastic twat'.

~~~~

2:12PM

"Apparently Persephone wants to drop the movie."

No. no.

And in that moment, I knew you had gotten one step further.

~~~~

4:08PM

My knuckles had been clenched far too long in a desperate attempt to knock down the door with my pounding screams.

"PERSEPHONE! Open up!"

Percy, please.

~~~~

4:37PM

"Niall! SHE ISNT BREATHING MATE!"

I couldn't function. Breathing was something you did every day. It was an essential you had mastered. You and I were breathing together the other day. Why weren't you breathing right now?

"Niall, move! Get the phone! Call for help!"

But you weren't moving, so why should I?

~~~~

12:49PM

I hated hospitals. I hated it when we visited Brad. I hated it now.

I would never visit a hospital again. I vowed it.

"She's awake and she's stable."

You looked so sad, Percy.

"Niall...."

Your eyes glossed over, and it didn't take me any longer to put you in my arms.

My arms, and only my arms. Not Brad's. Not death's. Mine.

~~~~

7:22AM

"I'm so sorry, dad."

You can't just do things like this, Persephone.

"I know."

The public has eyes on me. You. Everywhere!

"I know.."

Percy, don't do this again. Next time around, just tell me, kay?

"Yeah..."

I love you. But I've got to go. There's a press meeting in Brighton I'm already late to. Be safe.

~~~~

12:36PM

I'd never seen you eat so much in your life. Maybe the not eating in two weeks was a contribution, but technicalities never mattered to you. The pepper jack baloney sandwich had had the furies of hell unleashed upon it. You even ate the crust.

"Niall, I'm sorry."

No I'm sorry. For not being there enough. For not caring enough. For not pushing enough. I'm sorry.

And then some crazed demon decided that this was the perfect moment to flood you with my emotions.

"Niall, look it's all..."

Your lips tasted like pepper Jack and my breath would smell like coffee. And it was an ugly combination, some would say we were too.

But lunch with you in my hoodie in a hospital would never be so bad.

And maybe I would repeat it.