My name is irrelevant as I am dissapearing to the names within my brain. I do not know what is happening to me, and why they bring up the past so often. It destroys me, oh yes it destroys me. I am split in to Three, The sacred Three, Bri, Kaloo, and me; Scapegoat. I am dissapearing and they are overwhelming me. They make me destroy everything that builds me up by making me believe in false truths. In past presidences and I do not know how to stop these from happening. As a 17 year old girl, this is destroying me, I am not strong enough to destroy the demons and take back my life.
I used to have a boy whose demons played well with mine, but that was all destroyed when Bri came back in. He started to spend a lot of time talking to another girl who he used to have feelings for, and Bri came in whispering the doubts; "He doesn't love you Scape, who could love a broken, crazy girl like you?", "The scars that riddle you destroy him, let him have her you stupid little girl, she won't hurt him like you did." and the all inclusive calls of Kaloo and Bri together: "Fat, worthless whore pig. Kill yourself." So as these all continued, Him and I fell apart. He still talks to me, but he is changing in to someone like the rest. Shallow and distant. He has a new girlfriend too, she's prettier and skinnier then I'll ever be. Nicer too, I'll never be good enough for him again. I am a tainted, broken girl.
I used to have best friends who I loved and went out with everyday, until I suddenly stopped talking to them and started hanging out with a group who didn't appreciate me. One of the boys used me as an affection leech, and is now my boyfriend. I cannot regain those friendships. I am not good enough for them. I am impure and evil. I shall not destoy them.
I don't believe I deserve any sort of comfort. All I see in my future is pain and hell. I used to believe I might have been happy at a point, but that point is over. Everything just caves in on me now, all I get is the ever constant feeling that I wasn't supposed to love, that my existance causes everyone nothing but problems. I believe this because I was raised this way by my stepfather. All that would happen when I tried to do something good, is I would get hit or yelled at because he was in a bad mood. He would take away and destroy things that made me happy, he never told me he loved me, and always reminded me that he would never consider me his daughter. I wasn't good enough to have a father. Bri came in when I was aged about 11, when I went to a school where the kids, as well as my step-dad would tell me I didn't deserve anything. I had a bestfriend then, and we both went through it together but she is gone now, wanting nothing to do with me. The kids excluded us everyday, making us feel unworthy, they called me fat and ugly, and her stupid and ugly. I still believe it. I hate people, and I hate myself.
