I HATE ZOMBIES!!!

Chapter 1

Amazing

I FUCKING HATE ZOMBIES!!! Everything about them pisses me off! I don't think there's anything more asinine than saying 'Let's kill zombies!' ...They're already fucking dead. But rest assured, they are very real. If I would've bet my sweet ass on the fact that the world as we knew it would've ended December 21, 2012, I'd be sitting here without my butt cherry. The day after President Herman Cain took office was the day that my world ended. Everyone thought the world was gonna flood. Nope. Zombies. Who would've known the KKK had it right? A black man gets into office and it's the end of the world. Remind me to send them an apology card.

     I'm Amazing. No, that's not how I'm feeling, that's my name. And don't get me wrong: I'm still a card carrying member of team brother. I'm 6 feet, 250 pounds of chocolate. I've heard I resembled a buff Rick Ross. Before all of this, I was a professional wrestler. My girlfriend and I were just getting used to this 'relationship' shit. 12/21 was our 1 year anniversary...What? It takes me a while to warm up to people-sue me. But Lil is something special, and I've known that since day one. 5'7 inches of pure temptation. That girl can make me melt just by looking at me. But that was 5 years ago, although it feels like 10.

     Since then, we were recruited by a top secret government outfit that trained us, as well as 14 others, to properly fight & destroy the undead. And if you were wondering, we're damn good at it. We've been fighting the good fight for the better part of 3 years, & we haven't lost a single person. Which should be like, a record. If anybody was keeping score. Which I am. Just saying. Even though we use code names to try to stay professional just in case we lost anybody, The Team quickly became a family. There was myself, my best friend Free, our sniper Phil, his twin sister & my girl Lil, my younger brother Reezy & his best friend Zeus, rappers turned soldiers DC and Sk Row, divas Kitty & Smooches, aspiring comedian & television personality Rango Tango, Rango's bodyguard Big Dog, hard ass Kingston, feisty Milan, rock star Vokillist, and the youngest of the bunch Oreo, Smooches' sister. We were originally to be test dummies to see if the weapons and training worked against the zombies, but because of my expert leadership we rose through the ranks to be the premier go-to team. No other team is as big, and no other team is as close. About 6 months ago, our superior General Bush split The Team in half to finally get down to the bottom of this undead business. Team 1, aka Alpha, led by myself, was dispatched to investigate how the zombie outbreak started. Team 2, aka Omega, led by Free, was to search for a way to end the outbreak. My team consisted of myself, Lil, DC, Sk Row, Zeus, Reezy, Kitty & Smooch, while team 2 had Free, Phil, Big Dog, Rango, Kingston, Oreo, Milan & Vokillist. Last I heard, Omega was around the California coast line. Myself and Alpha are currently in our home state of Michigan. We got a lead saying the outbreak here has recently gotten worse, so we're checking it out. On a side note, you'd think that working for the government meant government perks, right? Aside from the weapons, you'd be wrong. The thing about a SECRET government outfit is that we don't exist. We don't get the armor, we don't get clearance. Hell, we don't even get a good place to sleep. We camp out in the dense forest, away from undead. No civilization means no zombies. There's nothing for them to snack on out here. And, speaking of those ugly fucks, let me clear some things up about zombies. They don't walk 2 miles an hour. They don't moan 'Brains!' when they see humans. They don't sing & dance like in the fucking Thriller video! These are killing machines. They have basic functions: running, eating, destroying. That's it. And a zombie scratch won't turn you. Only a bite will do that. And if you get bitten, you may as let them finish their meal, because you're as good as McDinner.

     But we've been in MI for three days now, and we haven't found out one thing about the recent rise in undead. So we'll give it till the end of the week before we pack up and roll out. We were all at the campground lounging out. I was by the fire stoking it with Lil by my side as always. DC, Reezy, Zeus & Sk Row were busy playing football while the divas cheered them on. I looked over from the game, and saw that Lil was looking at me with those devilish eyes again. She wanted something. She scooted closer to me. "How much do you love me?" She asked. Here we go. "Enough to make sure you're not zombie food. You are not going out alone again." I replied. Then, she moved and sat on my lap. I already knew she was gonna get what she wanted, but I loved the attention. "Come on, Amazing... You know I'd do anything for you. All I want is to take my brand new bike out for one last spin around the old neighborhood. There's no telling when we'll be back..." She said softly. "It's 5:15 in the afternoon, Lil. There's nothing out there but undead and undead dinner. Why don't u go in the morning?" I offered. She took a minute to think about it, arched her back, melted into me, and whispered in my ear, "You win this time, lover. But I heard the boys are going to the shooting range tonight. Show em why I call you daddy." She said as she kissed my ear, got up and walked away. That woman is going to be the death of me, I swear. I walked over to where the football game was wrapping up, and told them I would drive to the range tonight.

     So I drove myself, Zeus, Reezy, Sk Row & DC to the shooting range. By the shooting range, we obviously mean downtown Detroit. The zombies gather at Hart Plaza for some reason. So the guys and I drove to the parking lot structure next to the Renaissance Center on the 2nd floor, and quickly set up on a ledge. Out of Alpha, DC was easily the best sniper. He's just about the coolest guy I know. 6'1, physically fit, and always had his braids done crispy. So, we made him the measuring stick; he would always shoot 5 bullets. U get 10 points for a head shot, 5 for a upper body shot, and 2 for a lower body shot. Of course, DC got a perfect 50. "Yall can't fuck with me man! Yall can call me DC but the hoes call me He-Man!" He said as he bumped knuckles with Reezy. "Imma get that ass! Watch out!" Reezy said as he took over with his rifle. Reezy was almost 6 feet tall, and about 150 pounds soaking wet. But if you asked him, he was bigger than Shaq. After his five shots, he racked up 24 points...We laughed hard. "Man, fuck y'all! Yall ain't real no ways!" He added while we were laughing. "Alright Skid. You're up next." I commented, and the guys' uproar restarted. Sk Row was light skinned and skinny. But he was always down for whatever. "It's pronounced ESS-CROW, like the account, muhfucka! Not only do I get bread, bitch, I make butter! My turn!" Sk Row started and he began firing. Not one point. "Come on, dog! You don't deserve to be on this daaaamn team, man! Now you about to know why they call me Zeus! Cuz I got that Thunda!" Zeus yelled. At only 5'9, maybe 150 pounds, Zeus always went out of his way to live life as big as possible. He shot up 40 points on his turn. I quietly got up, and took position. "I don't have no rhymes, but I do have one thing...My babygirl." I started as I pointed my favorite semi-automatic at the crowd of undead. After squeezing off 4 shots, I had 40 points. "You ain't getting it, bro. You're not gonna tie me." DC challenged. I looked at him, smirked, then said, "You're right. I'm not gonna tie you." And as I said that, I aimed a little higher than before. My finger hugged that trigger. As the bullet zoomed out of one zombie's head, it went through a second! The guys were super excited. "60 points!!! Two zombie headshots with one bullet! My bro tagged that ass!" Reezy said. But, that's when I saw that he slipped on a spent rifle shell... and then he went over the railing.