Jump?

Standing Here

I clung to the rails with my eyes closed tight as the wind tried to push me off the bridge making the hardest decision of my life. My hair was flying all over my face but I didn't care. I opened my eyes and looked down. I could see the tiny police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks everywhere. They looked like the people and cars I used when I played dollhouse when I was younger. Everything in my life had led up to this moment. 16 years of torment, torture and pain. This could all be over now. All I could think about was my family. All they wanted to do was help their poor deranged daughter and keep her alive. Well this wouldn't be that hard if their daughter wasn't me, Rozalina Aden.

I had dealt with this for as long as I can remember. All the voices telling me to grab knives and scissors. The voices telling me to hurt my family and myself. Underneath all of the craziness, I knew they weren't there but at the same time, that's all that was ever in my head. Self ridicule, self hatred. I saw people, number, things. They were so real. Telling me to do unspeakable things. They were pounding into my head over and over and over again. I sat in my room banging my head against the walls wondering what was going on. What were these terrible people in my head? I remember waking up in the middle of the night from horrible nightmares but when I woke up, they only continued. Dreams of hurting my family, waking up to stabbing my stuffed animals. Remind you I was only 6 when it was like this. I screamed into the dead of night for my mother, screaming out that I didn't know what was wrong with me but I couldn't stop.

They brought me to the E.R. Where after 16 hours and about a million different sedatives they diagnosed me with schizophrenia, anxiety and depression.

The cold wind brought me back from my memories and I had to readjust to reality as I opened my eyes. I looked around as tears streamed down my face and I saw him standing there.

"What are you doing here!" I screamed at him shutting my eyes tight not wanting to see his face.

"I told you I would be here for this so if you tried to back out, I wouldn't let  you. Now go, JUMP. No one loves you, not even yourself or your family. You see the mess you made. You should have killed them all a long time ago, and you should have included yourself."

"Get out of my head! You aren't real! You aren't real!" I screamed even louder. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around hoping he would be gone.

He had left but then I turned to look to my left and there he was again.

"Oh honey that's not how this works. I'm always here. I'm not leaving until you go. Come on don't be a wimp like you have your whole life. You see, this is what happens when you stop taking the happy pills that make me go bye-bye. Bitch, we went over this. If I ever have to say this again I'll kill you myself. Oh wait... hmm, this is peculiar... I am you so that's what I'm doing right now. Oh how convenient." He said as he flung himself off of the bridge towards the raging waters.

A part of me felt ripped out, my chest ached as if I had just been stabbed. I could feel him leave my body but still a piece of him would always be with me. Telling me to do those terrible things, making me become what I am. A monster, a disgrace, a mess.

He didn't have a name, he didn't have feelings, but I knew who he was. I hadn't seen him since I was 8 when I had the biggest episode of my life. I went after my family. Fighting them because he told me to. He told me to hurt myself so when they had finally took me down I was now onto fighting myself. Slamming my head into the walls repeatedly and biting myself. He was the one, he caused all of this mess and was the biggest torturer in my life.

I was determined for him to go to hell.