Its a beautiful world...

Forget, forget. feel nothing.

I walked down the hall towards form keeping my head down so that I did not have to look into their eyes. hugged my books to my chest and started to wonder inside my own head, whenever I felt sad about.. well what that thing did to me, I would shut myself off and wonder within my own mind, I imagined myself walking in fields in slow motion, George their holding my hand as we laughed, the laugh I have not heard myself do since the accident. Suddenly my thoughts were interupted with the sudden urge to.. vomit. I ran to the nearest  girls bathroom and puked!. after around ten minutes of continuous puking I wiped my mouth and washed my hands. I walked into form which was usually half an hour, I appolagized to my teacher about being late making sure I kept my head down. I took my seat at the back and placed my head on the desk. I started to wonder why I had even been sick in the first place. it must be the stress I mean, I've been through a lot. 

The day went quickly, I spoke to no one and avoided everyone, I kept my head down all day and ate nothing. I couldn't. I was too nervous to see George. scratch that. I need to stop feeling. I need to push all of these feelings away. that way. I would never get hurt again. I started to think about the court case. they had given Liam bail, he was to return to court in a month. so at the moment I was also on edge. when the time came I walked into Mr Taylor's class. I kept my head down, not wanting to look at him, I took a seat in the middle row at the back of the class. I tilted my head up, he caught my eye the bastard. his eyes held a lot of pain, sorrow, sympathy, love, compassion. I had caused that. I looked away quickly and wiped away a stray tear. No. I won't feel anymore. He carried on the lesson whilst I generally did not listen. I was too busy being lost in my own thoughts to even care. the lesson finished and Mr Taylor had not attempted to talk to me once which I was greatful for. I made sure that I had done all the work set so that he would have no reason to keep me behind. "alright.. thats it guys have a nice evening.." I started to gather my stuff. A teacher student relationship seriously would not work out anyway. what the hell was I thinking. That was a crazy idea. and even if I did want to carry on with our secret love affair it would have added to the stress i felt at this moment in time. I did'nt need that right now. I was walking our of the room when I heard. "Lauren could you stay behind for five minutes" 

"its.. the-th-the end of the day sir" I replied with a voice so quiet, I could barley hear it. at this point the rest of the class had left. I hated being in a room with a man now, I dont know if I would be able to handle it. I looked down whilst fiddling my hair. he walked over to me slowly. "you okay?" he asked as he neared me. I sighed and backed away from him. "I-I-m fine.. can I go now sir?" I hated how weak I had become. "Lauren.. I dont think you are.. come here baby" he said holding his arms out for me. as much as I knew this man would never hurt me. I just could not. I sighed. "listen.. im sorry.. I need to go.." I said quietly running out of the room. I ran all the way home. not stopping once. 

3 months later. 

"stop running on that darn machine Lauren! you're getting way too thin!" I heard my dad shout, I pulled out my headphones, "what dad!" I said as the machine came to a stop, I was breathing heavily. I wiped some sweat off of my face with a towel. we were currently in the home gym. "you need to stop running on that thing Lauren look how skinny you are.. im getting worried hun" he said, I knew he was worried, I could tell by the sorrow in his eyes, "I'm fine dad." ything I replied, I was not though, I worked out in order to feel pain so that my mind would not wander back to that thing. "you haven't been the same since Liam.. you just.. dont seem like my little girl anymore, you're skipping lessons, not eating excercising all the time" he replied, I grabbed the bottle of water on the table. drinking it and not replying to him. I knew that I should care but I just didn't, I tried not to feel anymore. well at least. I didn't allow others to see I cared. "I know dad. now if you excuse me. I have some more work to do" I replied bluntly putting my headphones back in and turning the running machine on. Iheard the door slam. this caused me to turn up the speed until I was sprinting way too fast. I felt bad about speaking to my father in a way that he did not deserve at all. I felt so ill that I had to stop the machine, I stumbled off of it and walked towards my bedroom feeling so weak and ill. I opened my door and blackness overcame me. 

I opened my eyes slowly feeling so ill. I rolled onto my side groaning. "ahh" I said, 

"honey are you okay!" I heard my mother ask. I looked around and realised I was in my bed, I sighed and nodded, no one else was in here. "I dont mean to overwhelm you but.." she paused for a while.

"mom what is it?" I asked quietly, secretly afraid of the response I would recieve. she sighed and looked me in the eyes, she was hiding something. I could tell. 

"mom. please tell me.." she touched my hand. I flinched away from her. she looked hurt.

"honey, the doctor came round-h-h he said that you are pregnant" she looked into my eyes. was that.. sympathy. a tear slid down my cheek. I have a baby!. inside me. A baby!. then it dawned on me. the only person I had, had sex with was.. no. I screamed and jumped out of bed. I allowed myself to feel now. And god did I feel. Tears streamed down my face as I stroked my stomach. I was then overocme with rage. He's already taken my life away in one way. now he wants to take it away again. I'll have to be reminded of his fucking face everytime I looked at my unborn child. I screamed and shouted and cursed whilst knocking everything off my desk including my television, I picked up my blackberry which was on the floor as I never used it. and threw it at my laptop screen, the screen shattered into a million peices, I punched the mirror on the wall as the pain shot up my arm. I embraced it. I then collapsed to the floor. "what will I do.. it his baby Mom!!! his fucking baby.. I cant keep it.." I said in between breaths, she sat next to me. I wiped my tears. "I know baby I know!" she said being careful not to touch me. "I need to get rid of it.."