A Mother's Dream

Part 2: Chapter 4

Alistair had gone to tell Hazel about our life and what happened the other day, while I was relaxing and reading ‘The Meditations’ by Marcus Aurelius who was the last of the five good emperors.

I had only just begun to read it and already I found the first chapter inspiring. He didn’t just thank everyone in his life, but he mentioned what he had learned from each and every one of them. From his mother he had learned ‘piety and beneficence, and abstinence, not only from evil deeds, but even from evil thoughts; and further, simplicity in [his] way of living, far removed from the habits of the rich’.

Perhaps this is how Alistair reflects upon me today. This is how I hope Alistair reflects upon me today. Then, as I was having this very thought, Alistair came bursting through the door. Sweat was dripping into his big brown eyes which were full of pain. He was holding his knees for support from the invisible weight he felt on his back.

“Alistair! Are you hurt?” I asked searching for any sign of bruises or torn skin. He frowned at my desperate response to his fragile state. His frown became angry as he stood up straight.  

“Did you know?” he asked in tiresome exasperation. He began to advance but stopped after taking two steps. I could smell smoke. Was he burnt? “Did you know?!” he bellowed again at my being distracted. I was frozen. Alistair sometimes seemed dangerous. His friends at school used to be afraid of him sometimes. This was different. I was afraid.

“Know what?” I asked. He was done talking. It was written all over his face. His legs began to shake. They weren’t shaking in defeat or pain, but in the idea of conquer and the release of anger. As he was about to pounce, I realised something too late. It wasn’t sweat dripping into his eyes– it was tears of emotional pain dripping from his cheeks. He had finished crying and had switched to vengeance. Vengeance of what I wasn’t sure.

He lunged for my neck and knocked me into the solid wall behind me. My back felt like one large bruise had formed from the force of his rage. His large hand gripped at me throat as I struggled to sooth him. His face was full of such pain and hate. Though, the hate seemed distant. It wasn’t directed at me. The only reason he was punishing me was because I was the closest person in the vicinity that he could place blame on.

“Alistair, stop”, I struggled to say through the minor breaths he allowed me to have. I continued to stare into his big brown eyes that begged to be saved by the crease between his eyebrows. Eventually, he was saved. He was saved by the very person who was responsible for his aching.

“Son, stop”, Lucifer said as he placed a hand of comfort on his son’s shoulder. “You don’t want to do this”, he said softly. Alistair, with his demonic strength, pushed Lucifer across the room into the book case. The book I bought him for his tenth birthday landed on the floor with a thud. Is this what our life had come to? Our past always chasing our future? Were we all destined to fight ourselves forever?

Alistair turned back to me and looked at me as if he was seeing me for the first time. He let go and I gasped for the sweet taste of air. I splatted and coughed as I fell to the floor. Alistair looked at his hands as if they didn’t belong to him, as if they were acting of their own accord. He looked at me and backed away in shame.

“Alistair, it’s okay. You’re alright now”, I tried to tell him but he shook his head casting away any sort of comfort I offered. He turned to his father.

“You”, he said in knowing wonder. “You turned me into this”, he said quietly. He pointed at Lucifer in accusation, who was removing the books from hiding his evil.

“Son, I did not do anything to you. Everyone has a dark side and you have finally found yours”, he said, proud of his son. This made Alistair angry again. He stormed over to Lucifer and grabbed his choler.

“What did you do to her?” he growled into his father’s face. Lucifer smiled.

“I didn’t do anything”, he said. Alistair frowned. He could tell he wasn’t lying. If there was one thing Alistair knew how to do, it was recognise when someone was lying.

“No, you didn’t did you.  Then, why are you here?” he asked curious as he let go of his choler.

“This was a new suit Alistair. Be careful next time son”, he said while straightening his tie. “I came here so you wouldn’t do something that you would regret”, he said as he looked over at me. I stood on my own two feet, finally breathing in oxygen normally and walked over to Alistair. I placed my hand on his shoulder and imagined all his pain fading away. He turned to look at me. His eyes were welling with the guilt for being so rough and with the realisation of the inevitable truth. 

“She’s gone because of me”, he sobbed into my shoulder as he wrapped his arms around me, surrendering to the comfort. I stared at Lucifer over his shoulder. Any minute he was going to slither away. But he didn’t. He just stood there, frowning as he stared at his black shiny shoes. Why was he still here? Did he want thanks? Did he want some sort of closure for the recent events? If so, he certainly wasn’t getting it. Alistair needed me. This was all I could think of in that moment. I shook my head. I shook my head at Alistair blaming himself, at the tears running down my face and at Lucifer who still had not left. I leaned back gently to take my son’s face in my hands as I stared into his deep brown eyes.

“This is not your fault. You are a beautiful young man that is going to be happy and accomplish wonders”, I told him as I wiped away his tears with my hand. “You did all you could do. You gave her time and then you tried to explain. If your patience and understanding is not enough, then I don’t know what is”, I said. He began to breathe again but tears continued to flow down his face that expressed pain I could not begin to comprehend.

“You don’t understand”, he said frustrated. “I sinned. I hurt you”, he said searching for the finger marks around my neck. He was horrified with himself and turned away.

“No! You listen to me Alistair. You are my son and you have not sinned. You were frustrated and scared. You found someone you cared about and released your anger. You chose someone you cared about because you knew I could be trusted to bring you back from the brink of committing a sin. Don’t you understand?” I explained to him desperately for now he was looking up at his father.

“Why are you here?” Alistair repeated his earlier question. “Don’t tell me it was to stop me from doing something I would regret because isn’t that what you want?” he said raising his eyebrows in knowing suspicion. His father looked at him again with confusion.

“Son, I want you by my side”, he began to explain. “But I will not let your mother die for it”, he said quietly, almost embarrassed. He didn’t want me to die? Was he serious? Did he just open up? Did the devil just open up? After giving me one last glance, he finally slithered away.

Alistair turned to look at me. We were both speechless. I just shook my head to let him know that I didn’t know. This was the first time I didn’t have the answers and this is what scared me the most. I couldn’t be sure if he was playing us or if he really cared. I couldn’t let myself believe he cared because if I did I would be putting the entire world in jeopardy.