I don't know why but tonight is just such a drag I feel like everything can come crashing down in the blink of an eye. Just a few months ago I was happy completely happy literally the only thing I had to worry about was keeping my grade up in math class but tonight everything just crashed before my eyes. How I become so sad and so empty at night yet laughed and smiled all day
I have some reasons but they don't compare to the pain I feel. The reasons are so minor and small yet they cause such pain and destruction in my small 14 year old heart. Everything is my fault everything maybe my mom left and never came back because I'm not the daughter she wanted me to be. Maybe with her new boyfriend and her new child she's going to do everything she didn't do with me
She's going to take her to the mall and spend all her free time with her she's going to spoil her like crazy she's going to love her like she deserves to be loved maybe this new child is something wonderful but it's only brought jealousy and hurt into my life. I'm not jealous at the fact she has a new child no hell no i had to share her with plenty of kids before what makes me so upset is the thought that she CAN replace me. Doesn't matter if I was considered her first child she can replace me and maybe her love for this new child is bigger than her love for me maybe this new child is going to have everything I've wished I had with her and that's why I lay in bed at night with tears staining my pillow. That's why I feel so empty inside because the thought of my mom having a new child is just too much to bear.
People probably think the worst about me and it truly does hurt me even when I say don't let what they think get to you it still does. It hurts like hell to know people think I only call my mom when I want something but I reality I love my mom so much more than I can even explain.
This sweet 15 has been something I've been wanting since I was literally 5 and knew what a quince was. I've planned out my whole night. Each year I add something or I take something away. Now the time is finally here. I'm finally turning 15. I'm finally going to have the party I've been wanting for years. But knowing all the drama that this party has caused hasn't made me enjoy anything. I didn't enjoy choosing my dress or theme. I didn't enjoy handing out invitations. I'm at the point where I just want to call the whole thing off. I'm at the point where I want to sit in my room alone in the dark playing music and just staring at the ceiling. A day that was suppose to be magical and wonderful turned into a day where everyone is going to be having a good time but me. Because the thought that my mom can change her mind and not show up kills me. My mom is happy with her stepfamily I love them I do but everything is a blur
Maybe my stepsister would still be dating her boyfriend if he hadn't defended me. Maybe he wouldn't hate me so much if I would of left this topic alone maybe I would be spending my nights at my moms house if only I would of done what everyone was saying at first. But I wanted a night of my own I wanted to feel like a princess I wanted the tiara and the dress I wanted the dance floor and the attention just that one night I wanted everything to be focused on me. I still do but it's not going to feel right if my mom doesn't show up. Even if my mom shows up its not going to feel right because if she does show up without my stepfamily I'll feel as if they think I don't want them there and that's not the case but if they do go I'll feel as they were judging my every move.
