Today is my 16th birthday. I have officially spent half of my life in this dreadful prison camp, and I only have one good memory: the sun's bright light. This memory is the only comfort for me now that I am all alone. I can almost see the blinding golden radiance and feel its warmth wrap around me in the only embrace I can recall. It is in this memory that I burry myself on this sad morning. I am finally ready to be sent the adults camp; I have to leave my sisters to spend the rest of my life working as a slave to Master. I have been told that at this camp I will be given a name, which is a luxury most of us here have all but forgotten. I have a number by which Warden202 calls me. I am f5933900. My parent's siblings may be located at the camp I am to be sent to, but it is a slim possibility as I was transferred here from the Eastern Territory when the youth camp in the west became over populated; the adult camps have a different method for population problems and it is not a simple move. My mother believed that to move was to cheat on your home which, in her opinion, should be the love you honor above all others.
"Home is where you come from, and where you run to; home is the one place you feel safe." She told me, but I do not feel safe here. I have never felt safe, and I doubt I ever will. She sang a song about meeting a lost love, and about returning home. It was not a happy song, but it is very fitting to our situation. I told her once that it was too sad to be a love song, and she replied, "There is no happy ending to love." I hear the heavy footsteps of Warden202 approaching meaning it is time to go.
2 days later
I believe it has been two days though I cannot be certain, because it rained for a long while it is difficult to tell. The dust the storm picked up has caked the already filthy windows so that the dim light offered by our dying sun barely squeezes through. I am on Transport065 now headed to the one place I never want to go. Warden202 says that I won't survive; she says I am too insubstantial. I have always been smaller than my peers both in height and in weight. Cook019 use to sneak me food, she claimed that no child would die of starvation while she was in charge of the kitchen. I know she chose to do this of her own will, but I still feel responsible since it was this action that resulted in her death. I feel guilty for being so feeble that people, even the old and weak, would die to protect me. I was told that this was just the nature of all beings, to either yearn to protect or to destroy those weaker than ourselves; I have only ever wanted to protect one person: my sister. She was always the stronger one however, and even in death she remains the strongest one of us all. She died breaking out, and she was the only one to ever make it to the other side free. She was the first, and I fear the last.
I woke up this morning to the bitterly familiar taste of dust. I knew it was morning because Warden202 was praying; she, like many others, prays in the morning for the sun to come back. We pray for hope and for freedom, because even those who have power are leashed. My mother told me that those who pray do so in vain, but I always prayed. I know I have no right to ask for favors, but maybe there will be help for the faithful. Maybe there is hope.
I can see the camp now. The driver stopped to wash Transport065 in an effort to cool the vehicle, and in doing so allowed me a glimpse at my future. I am not sure I like what I see. Warden202 told me that I am going to face Council where I will be assigned a name and a mate. I hear that males start working at thirteen and mates come based on work performance. Warden202 says based on my family history I am not worth mating at all and will be worked to death. I fear she is correct. My sister is not the only rebel in the family. My father and mother both had bad records. My mother tried to stop Master from killing my brother; she claimed that killing an unborn baby who did not decide to be conceived was cruel. She asked, "If there really is overpopulation of males why not kill yourself?" Master killed her and my unborn brother for her actions against him. My father, after my mother's death, attacked Guard127 with a working tool. My father then had to choose between repenting and joining Master's army to fight the resistance or die. Father repented and later killed himself claiming better to die by his own hands then at the whim of a mad man. I worry that my poor lineage will result in a poor life for me...not that there are good lives here.
I went to Council where I was assigned the name Guardian603 and the mate Worker512.Worker512 is nineteen, and he looks strange; he is not the same as the rest. Everyone here has moon skin and hair, but Worker512 looks like his skin is forever kissed by the sun even in this sunless wasteland. He has hair like fire and eyes of ice. Everyone has blue eyes, but his are different; his eyes burn. Everyone here has washed down white-blue eyes that match their white-blue skin and hair, but his eyes are dark like the night sky and endless like it too. When Worker512 looked upon me, I felt my skin burn and my chest ache. I do not understand why this happened. Perhaps the shame of mating to an unusual, but it did not feel bad like shame does. Perhaps it was joy knowing I am not alone since I do not look like the others either; both my sister and I were cursed with hair that was as dark as ink and skin littered with sun flecks. My sister looked even stranger to me because she had eyes that were the color of the plants in our school books, but I do not know what color my eyes are. I never saw our father so I do not know if we were plagued because of him or if it was just fate to be born rebel children and look like them too.
I was taken down to the sheds to have my new Id tattooed onto my right arm. My old number is on my neck, but they do not cut adults hair like they do children so it is easier to access on my arm. They then took me to a small hospital room filled with cradles; in them I saw small, pale, and fragile children. I have never seen anything so beautiful and so hopeless, and the sight of them brought me to tears. I saw these children and wept for the misery they would suffer. I wanted to protect them, but there is no way to save them. Not even the strongest of us could if they wanted to. We are all born dead here.
After I was calmed I was escorted to my housing unit I was told that here we are expected to make our own food, wake ourselves, and we have our own private places to dwell and our own showers. Commodities no one in my generation will experience until they make it to this sad place. Warden202 is staying in the housing unit next to mine: House1274. She told me that I was given an easy job because of my ineffectual body and paired with a mate who can not have children. She says I am his third mate, and if we do not conceive they will put Worker512 to death. I cried again. I do not know this man, but the thought of him dying makes me sad. Warden202 told me when my sister was born they chose her to be his mate because they were both strong and unusual, but my sister died and they had to use a weak substitute like me.
It was night when Worker512 came. I did not know I was expected to live with him. Teacher323 always told us that contact with a male for any other purpose than to mate was forbidden, but when I asked Warden202 she laughed at me and left. I did not feel normal. My stomach felt strange making me wonder if I was sick. I fear going to Doctor I heard they kill those who are very ill. Worker512 spoke to me. He asked, "What is your name?" I found myself unable to speak and held out my arm hoping he would understand, but he just walked away. When he left the strange feeling in my stomach sank and simmered crossly before dissipating entirely.
Last night I did not know where I was to sleep. There was only one bed and Worker512 was in it. I decided to sleep on the worship mat in the front room, but I awoke beside Worker512 in the rather large bed. I do not know why, but it appears he moved me there. His warm breath brushed over my face and his lean arm was wrapped around my middle. When I realized this, my stomach burned again and my skin felt as if someone had set fire to it. I was very worried that I would have to see the doctor, but when he rolled over the feeling disappeared. I wonder if Worker512 is the cause of my illness. If he is...I suppose I would need another mate, but I do not want him to die; the thought of his death is more awful than any sickness. I may become immune to his sickness from exposure. I wonder if he made his other mates ill as well, and if that is why he could not have younglings. Perhaps he is even more unusual than I am.
My first day at work was long. I met many people, only one of which I remember: Doctor502. He is the same age as worker512, and he is from the same camp. He knew me though I did not know him. Worker512 spoke of me. Just the mention of my mate burned my cheeks and turned my stomach. I fear Doctor502 knows. He seemed to notice my behavior. I pray he does not ask, as I would be obligated to tell him. I do not want to be responsible for more death.
I avoided Doctor502 as much as possible. I do not trust him.
