When Sadness Becomes A Sickness

Dear DiaryApril 22, 08

Today was the one year anniversary of mom's death. Dad has a date tonight. I can't believe he could forget his own wife so easily. David also doesn't seem to miss our mom at all. I know he's my brother and all, but he's 19, shouldn't he be able to be there for his little sister when she needs him?? Sydney is too little to understand what's going on. At only 5, I wonder if she even remembers mom. When Dad told me about tonight, he looked at me and said "Izabella, at 16, you should understand that as an adult, I have needs that I need to deal with. Mariah is coming over at 11, and I want you either in bed, or out of the house for the night." So here I am, sitting outside Melena's house, waiting for her to get home. I feel like such a loser. Here I am, 16 years old, missing my mom more than I ever have, in the rain on my best friends porch... writing in a diary... Had Mom still been here, maybe things would be different... I miss her so much... I don't know how I managed to lose her so quickly.. All I did was leave for school.. and BAM! Drunk driver.. at 8:00 in the morning. She told dad she was going to walk to the gas station for milk and doughnuts, and just.. never came back. I don't understand why things had to go so wrong so quickly. I 'm also really missing Izaak. That dick dumped me because I was so depressed about my mom. Why wouldn't I be?? My mom was like, my BEST friend, except for Melena, that is. :((( I'm so glad I started carrying my razor in my purse. I don't think I could go a day without taking out my anger. I just wish my arm wouldn't burn so much afterwards. Maybe my blade isn't sharp enough...

I slam my journal shut before Melena can catch me writing in it.. Nothing would be more embarassing than having her see all the blood-dripped pages. If she caught me cutting, I don't think she would understand.. The last time she saw my arm, she threatened to call my dad. And now I have to spend the night at her house without her seeing it. Ugh. I wonder if maybe I managed to pack my long sleaved shirt in my haste to get out. I make a plan to check my bag as soon as I get in the house. When Mel leads me up to her bedroom, I take note of all the things she's changed around her room. All of her furniture is painted purple, and the walls are now pink. It honesty looks like the color changing horse from the Wizard of Oz puked everywhere.

"Like it?" Mel asks with so much pep it honestly makes me sick.

"Its adorable" I answer, my fake smile exactly where it should be. "I'm gonna take a shower."

"Kay" she calls down the hall after me.

I get to the bathroom an take of my clothes. There, I stand before the floor length mirror looking at my naked body. I was attractive for a girl my age. I had long, dark brown hair that came just past my full breasts. I was thin, with a little bit of nicely defined muscle. I stood at 5 feet 9 inches. My green eyes were the most vivid that I'd ever seen on another person. But there's one thing about my reflection that I can't seem to shake. All over my body are thick, red gashes. On my right thigh, was a line of slashes made after my dad left the house for his date. Accross my stomach, was the word FAT, after Izaak had told me I needed to lose weight. On my other thigh, 'Love' with a broken heart after it. And then there were my arms. Thin slashes on both up to my elbows. My mirror image mostly disgusted me. I thought I was pretty, until I started cutting. I felt like maybe if I did start cutting, life might not suck as much, andmaybe I could start to hurt a little less. No such luck really.

When Lena found out that I cut, it kind of ruined her life. At least for a short time. She was devastated that her best friend was having such hard time and wasn't talking to her about it. But can you really blame me? I'm not just going to come up to her stark naked, showing her all my scars and be all like "Oh, Melena, my life sucks so bad, please save me!" No! Not gonna happen!

I get into the shower and turn on the water. I like it to be as hot as possible, because then it hurts the cuts a bit more. I've started to enjoy the pain a bit. Ah shoot... soap in my eye... That hurts. Wash it out and then use a bar of soap on my body. My skin was so slippery when it got wet... And it made it hard to hold onto the soap and not gash myself open more.

I step out of the shower and grab a towel off the rack next to the tub. Once I get dried off and my pajamas are back on, I walk back to Lena's room and flop down on her bed. She already has a movie in. 'Twilight'. She loves this movie. I fell asleep somewhere around when Bella and Edward are at the Ballet studio...