Chapter 1: Hidden
I felt her lips traveling down my neck, the uncomfortable feeling punishing me for what I've done. What I did was wrong, completely wrong. I deserve this.
Her hands began to travel down my back and under my shirt, trying to tug it up and over my head. This wasn't anything new for us, by now I've gotten used to taking my clothes off with her. It's just when we get to the point where something is actually going to happen, I back out.
Not this time.
This time what I did was really, really bad. I'm in need of a severe punishment for this one.
I felt the words slip out of my mouth, words I knew I would regret as soon as I said them.
But I deserve this. I need to understand what I did was wrong.
"What do you want me to do for you?" I whispered, trying to make the words come out as seductive as I could.
If she found out about me I would be dead. She can't find out.
She moaned as I ran my hands down her bare back, the tender touches meaning nothing to me.
"Touch me." she ordered, forcing me to make my hands travel up and down her body. How bad this made me feel was indescribable. No one would understand if I tried to tell them. I'm going to have to deal with this, for the rest of my life.
"Harry, I need you, now." she said with heavy breathes, her nails clawing at my bare back. I watched as she struggled to pull my boxers down my legs, my eyes shut tight, holding back the oncoming tears.
I have to do this.
I positioned myself at her entrance, ready to do what I've been dreading to do for a while now. I felt her arms around my neck, urging me to be closer to her.
That's when I started questioning myself. Was what I did really wrong? I can't help my feelings. It's not my fault.
Something my best friend, Drew, told me changed my mind instantly.
"It's not natural for someone to be that way, that's not how God wanted it. He wouldn't have made Adam and Eve if he meant for two men to be together."
Those sentences floated through my head before making my final decision.
"I'm sorry." I said, backing off the bed with my hands clamped to the back of my neck.
"What the fuck, Harry? This is the third time you've done this!" Vanessa said, sitting up on her elbows to face me.
I just couldn't go through with it. It isn't that I changed my mind about how I felt about who I am, I'm just not ready to go through something like this just yet. I think I understand now, that I have to be with a girl. I have to marry a girl, and I have to start a family with a girl. Which means I have to have sex with a girl, multiple times. I just have to, and there's no changing that.
What I am is unnatural, it's not right.
********* Earlier That Day *************
"Harry! Get up! It's 7:00! You're going to be late for school!" I heard my mom shout from her bedroom. I had my long legs curled up close to me, a pillow snuggled up to my chest. I heard the sounds of little footsteps traveling around my room, and the next thing I knew there was a small body flinging itself on me.
"Hawey! Wake up! Mommy said you're gonna be late!" Libby, my little sister, screamed. Her small hands pounding at my chest, causing me to groan. I placed my hands on her shoulders, lifting her off of me, laying her in the bed. My fingers traveled to her sides, tickling her. Little squeaks left her mouth, a smile spreading across her face.
"Hawey! Hawey, stop! Hawey!" she yelled, slapping my face with her tiny palms. I kissed her forehead, and rolled off my bed. I wasn't in anything but a pair of basketball shorts, my hair a mess in my face. I took a look at my tattoo just above my stomach, smiling at the fact that it's one of the only things I've done on my own. My mom doesn't know about it yet, and I don't intend for her to know about it any time soon. The meaning of it would be something that I don't want anyone to know, ever.
I walked over to my dresser, taking out a pair of dark blue jeans, a white v-neck and a big black sweatshirt. I pulled a pair of my worn-out Vans from my closet. I made sure my sister left my room, I stripped off. Heading into the bathroom in my room, I turned on the hot water and stepped in the shower, letting the water fall down my body.
It's just another day. Another day with my girlfriend, another day with my three best friends.
Another day hiding who I am.
I've been through it for four years already, I think I can make it through another day.
I just have to make sure I don't break any of my rules. Or I'll get myself in some trouble.
******
"Harry! It's eight-fucking-thirty! You're late for school, and I have to go to work! You're going to have to find a ride without me!" My mom shouted from the kitchen. My mom can be a tough person. Overall, I'd say she's pretty loving, though. But sometimes she just gets pushed too far, and needs to relax a bit.
"Mom! Libby's home!" I shouted back, pissed at the fact that she would curse in front of Libby like that. I would never want Libby to be exposed to that kind of stuff at such an early age.
I walked over to my bookshelf, opening a shoe box and pulling out a delicately made flower crown. I turned it in my hands, checking to make sure all the little white flowers were still intact, before sliding it onto my hair. I tucked the ends of it behind my ears, and checked myself out in the mirror. I smiled, before pulling away.
As I turned around, I saw Libby standing at my door.
"Hawey! Did you make me my crown yet?" She said, walking up to my shoe box and peering in for her requested pink flower crown.
"Yeah, baby." I said, pulling it from the inside the drawer of my computer desk. I firmly placed it in her hair, watching as her smile grew, looking at herself in the mirror.
"Thank you Hawey! I love you!" She yelled, running over to me with her hands wrapped around my legs.
"You're welcome." I said, laughing, "Just remember what I told you. I can't make you anymore if you tell Mommy that you're getting them from me."
"I haven't been! I told her I got them from school!" She said, smiling, clearly proud of her actions.
I pulled my hood over my head, something I usually did to cover up my crown, and took Libby's hand. I don't really want people to know that I like making and wearing them, I'm scared of what they'll think of me.
"Come on baby, lets take you to the bus stop." I said, leading Libby out the front door of the house.
It's become routine for me to have to take Libby to her bus stop everyday, since my mom has been leaving for work extra early. I would just walk her to the end of the street and wait with her until her bus comes. Sometimes I end up being late for school, but that doesn't matter, as long as my sister's safe.
******
"Hey baby!" Vanessa, my current girlfriend, said as she made her way over to me. I tried to ignore her by putting my head down nonchalantly. She didn't seem to notice or care, wrapping her arms around me in a tight embrace.
I looked around the halls, making sure at least someone was looking and seeing that I was with a girl.
"Hey," I said quietly, slowly backing away from her. She came closer, bringing her hands to my neck and pulling me down so my lips met hers. The taste of her mouth burned on mine, it was like kissing a brick wall. I didn't feel anything, nothing at all. But I had to get used to it, because this is how I'm going to have to live for the rest of my life.
I avoided eye-contact with her, hoping she wouldn't notice my lack-of-feeling.
"What's wrong? Did I do something?" She asked, her palm cupping my cheek, pulling me to face her.
"Nothing, just a bit tired that's all." I answered, the lie leaving my mouth so carelessly.
"Alright. See you later?" She asked, her hand traveling down to the back of my neck.
"Yeah, sure." I muttered, still looking around the halls to make sure someone was witnessing this.
I can't be called gay, ever. That will ruin me.
She pulled my head down to hers once again, leaving a wet, slobbery kiss on my pink lips. I quickly pull away, turning around and walking to my first period. Huffing in disgust, I brought the back of my hand to my lips, wiping away the wetness still left.
*****
"Harry! We're over here!" Justin, one of my best friends, called from across the cafeteria. I waved at them, taking note of where they were sitting before stuffing my sketch book into my backpack. I walked over to the table, setting my things down on the floor next to one of the vacant seats.
"Where the fuck have you been?" Drew, another one of my close friends, asked from across the table.
"Just finishing some classwork up in Chemistry." I answered, pulling out my lunch from my bag.
The real story is that I have been with my art teacher during my lunch periods, discussing some of my sketches and their meanings. My teachers name is Mrs. Smith, and I quite like her a lot. I feel that she understands my sketches more than other people. If I were to show them to Justin, Josh, or Drew they would definitely judge me. They don't even know I take an art class.
"Okay bro, Are we still on for later tonight?" Josh asked, finishing his bag of chips before crumpling it up and throwing it in his tray.
"Oh, nah, sorry bro. My boss called earlier and said I have to take a shift tonight." I answered, taking a bite of my peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich.
I finished up my sandwich as the bell rang, grabbing my things and making my way out of the cafeteria. I saw a couple of weird looks from some of my pears, and I was guessing it was because my hood was on. My friends no longer really asked me about that, because it became a normal thing to see me with my hood on to them.
*****
I plug my headphones in my ear, playing the new "The 1975" album. I blasted it, my head thumping, nodding my head to the music.
I made my way down the sidewalk on my bike, riding down by the buildings and apartments in the city of London. I always liked the city, It's like the towers were alive, the lights blinding me as I rode down the sidewalk.
I pulled into the plaza where I worked, and parked my bike just in front of the music shop. I strode into the shop, hoping my boss wouldn't realized I was ten minutes late.
"Harry! You're late!" Jimmy, my boss, yelled. Damn.
"I know! I'm sorry! Won't happen again! I yelled back, setting my bag down behind the register counter.
"I don't care! You're staying until closing time tonight, or you're not staying at all!" He bellowed. I sighed, taking some of the misplaced CD's from the cart and placing them in their correct areas.
*****
A couple of hours passed, and the music store was almost empty. The last customer just about finished paying when a male with black Vans, dark black skinny jeans with rips in the knees, a low-cut-tank-top with a black box on it, the words "New Wave" written in blue and pink neon colors filled it. He had a red beanie on his head, little curls of brown hair falling just above his forehead. A silver loop hung on the side of his lip, his tounge washing over it every once-in-a-while.
He looked phenomenal.
I noticed he had a few tattoos on his arm, a deer head and a heart, but that's all I could see at the moment. I felt that I was staring. Dropping my head down to the register, I ripped the receipt and handed it to the customer, wishing her a good night.
Fuck. I'm alone in the store with him.
I noticed a bird on his forearm. What's the meaning of that one?
He walked over to the register, looking around the store on his way, his ocean-blue eyes peering up at me once he made it do the desk.
"Do you have the new The 1975 album?" He asked, his arms resting over the table, looking at me and waiting for an answer.
"Yeah," I answered, a little more breathless than I expected it to be. The stench of cigarettes and alcohol reeked from him, the slight stubble on his chin turning me on.
No, I remind myself, I like girls.
I watched as he chuckled, looking around the store in search of the CD. Why would he laugh at me?
I put my head down, forcing myself not to look up at him as I made my way around the register.
"Follow me." I said, leading him to the New Releases section of the store.
"So, have you heard the album yet?" He asked from behind me, his voice causing my heart rate to increase rapidly.
"I-Uh, Yeah." I said, not taking my answer any more in-depth.
"What do you think of it, Harry?" He asked, still behind me as we made our way to the album.
"How do you know my name?" I said in defense, turning to face him.
"You're name tag, babe. Calm down." He said, laughing at my sudden concern. Why would he laugh? Wait, did he call me babe?
I didn't reply to his answer, showing him where the disk was. He picked it up, looking at it as I stood next to him, completely silent. I lifted my head up, and peered at his face. His eyebrows were pushed together, examining the back of the CD. I'm staring now, I know I am, but I just can't seem to stop. His tounge began to play with the ring on his lip, flicking it every once-in-a-while. I've never been more aroused than I am right now. I dropped my hands down in between my legs, making sure my excitement wasn't obvious. His tounge licked all around the metal when I noticed he had another piercing, on the center of his tounge. My breath hitched as he turned towards me, eyeing up and down my body.
"Calm down, nancy-boy." He said, a smirk forming on his face as he saw my hand attempting to cover my prominent bulge.
Fuck.
FuckFuckFuckFuckFuck.
What did he call me?
"I-I'm gonna g-go back to the register." I stuttered, pointing backwards with my finger as I spoke. I turned around, taking a step before I heard words fall out of his beautiful mouth.
"You know, you can kiss me if you want." He said. I froze in my spot, turned around and looked at him with a confused look.
What?
"I uhh, I have a girlfriend." I said, not really sure as to if he was joking, or if he was completely serious.
"I'm joking, love." he laughed, picking up the CD, "I'll take this."
I brought him to the register, ringing up his CD. Once I was finished, I placed the CD in a bag along with the receipt and handed it to him.
"By the way, the names Louis." He said, taking the bag from me.
"Have a nice night, Louis." I said, smiling as he turned around.
"You too, nancy-boy!" He shouted, walking out of the door, "Tell you're girlfriend I said hi!", he said laughing as he made his way to his car.
I pulled out my phone, opening the "Google" app and typed in the words, "define nancy-boy".
Nancy-Boy: an effeminate or homosexual man.
I gasped, throwing my phone down on the table.
How does he know?
I picked my phone up again, sending a text to Vanessa.
Meet me at my house in 20 minutes.
I need to be punished.
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