Mind The Lonely

Twisted Thoughts

I wonder if it was an arguement that drove Susie away from me. Maybe she'll come back to me, like Ms. Morgan at the orphanage and her boyfriend. They always fight, and sometimes they stop talking for a few days, but they always get back together. Anyway, Susie's already been harrassed enough by Ashana and her sheep. The so called 'popular' girls. I heard they manipulated poor Susie into poking a guy on Facebook - she doesn't even know what that means! Hmmm. Oh well, I guess she'll learn.

I saw her staring at the train tracks today, that humoured yet haunted glimmer flashing across her face, before her brows slighted to a look of fear. I know what she was thinking, I've thought it too many times, stared at those tracks too many times not to recognize her thoughts. For a moment she looked as though she might do it - take it a step further than I. I wanted to scream out to her, to run and hug her, to look her in the eyes and say "Come back! You're not okay with them!" But I might only heighten her adrenalin. Plus, I'd probably embarrass her, and I couldn't do that. Not in that moment. I simply waved until she noticed me, as if me waving would make her feel better. Maybe she'd feel less lonely. However lonely and sad she's left me feeling, however bad and out of place she's made me feel, I couldn't let my 'once upon an only friend' die. She'll always be my friend, I'll always welcome her back. But I wonder if I'm her friend anymore?

Maybe I'm just too nice for my own good. Or innocent, naive, whatever you call it. Maybe she shouldn't be my friend, maybe I shouldn't hang around with someone like her. I mean...she was selfish...Selfish enough to leave me for them. She knows I have no other friends, at all. It's okay for her, she's always got someone to fall back on - because she's pretty, smart, she adapts really easily and isn't very shy. And...and she is stable. At least, I thought she was. But me? None of that, never have, never will. What does she want? For me to disappear or something? Well this lonely feeling sure makes me want to - more than ever! Maybe people just don't want me. Maybe I'm too unstable, moody, not fashionable enough. I don't blame them, I wouldn't want me either. Maybe that's why my parents left me, why she left me, why they all do. Augh, I should just leave people alone.

Oh well, if she's so selfish to leave me, then maybe she does belong with those selfish idiots. Maybe she wasn't a real friend, maybe I was imagining it after all. Maybe I liked the idea too much, maybe I was infatuated. Infatuated with the thought of actually having a friend! What the hell! She knows so much about me! Nothing that really matters, nobody knows that, but...most of the little things. Maybe she only listened with intent to reply, not understand. Maybe she never really cared about me.

You know what? I bet she's been bitching about me. I bet she used me, like for entertainment. For someone to spread rooms about. 'Did you know Phillipa is from an orphanage? And all her clothes are second hand? She literally stinks, and she's so moody. That's why no one likes her.' I can imagine the conversation. All along I've been wrong about her, she does belong with them. Hah, friends. Only good for ripping holes in that stupidly delicate organ in my chest. They're not what they're cracked out to be, friends.
The movies are wrong.

I'm an alien on this earth, the only one with this definition of a friend. I don't belong here. Life seems lonely. Life is lonely, without a friend to pour your heart out to. I never did, but it's nice to know someone's there if I ever truly go insane. But no, nice dream, but not anymore. If I lose my mind then I've lost it alone. If I go insane, who cares? I've got nothing to lose anyway. How can you lose what you don't have? Nothing lasts forever, nothing is infinite. Even if everything is not. When everything is lost, nothing will still be here. You can't get rid of nothing. Maybe I mean nothing to her, so maybe I should do what nothing does and always be here, I've got nothing to lose. Nothing to lose, except myself.