My Lost Boy

5th September 1993

That was it. Over. The one thing I had waited my entire life for flashed before me. I can remember when I was little, people used to ask me what I wanted to be when I was older and I would say "a mum". I couldn't wait to give my children the childhood I never had. You see, my mum passed away during birth. I don't know what she's like but I can imagine it. Beautiful,Kind,Caring. Quite the opposite of my Dad. He loves me really but we just don't get along. I loved the fact that I could bring them up to do whatever they wanted to do and achieve everything in life. Not yet though. I never imagined it yet. I'm so stupid, trying to be cool and do what everyone else does. I was so caught up in finally having a boyfriend ,I just went to far. I needed to think. Think before I do something stupid. That's something you learn in Primary 1 not when you are 16. As soon as I told Maria she told me I couldn't do it but I was insistent on at least having the baby. I knew after that I wouldn't bare to leave it but it's for the best really. I can hardly look after myself never mind another baby. The only other thing I had to think about was. Where? And How? I knew I couldn't look after it. Neither could my twin Maria. We're both far to busy with exams and school work etc. I had to find someone I could trust enough. I tried everything,everyone,everywhere but no one could take him/her. They were all too busy with school,work,their own children or they just were too poor to afford enough food,clothes,fun for the child. The only choice now was care. The idea of anyone walking in and picking up my child concerned me greatly. It could be anyone that takes them. What if they don't give them proper food, clean clothes, a good education. It wouldn't be their fault, it would be mine for being stupid, giving them to that specific care home. There was just so many what ifs that no one could answer for me.