Bite The Bullet

Chapter 2

I didn't look back, not once. I couldn't. It was bad enough knowing what had just happened, let alone everybody seeing.

I ran through the empty corridors to my quarters and threw open my door. I ran blindly into the bleak and plain room, past my meager belongings and photographs that only made the ache worse.

Throwing myself onto the bed, I pulled my pillow towards my chest, bringing my knees close.
I gasped and splutered as the grief weighed down on my chest, threatening to crush me in it's devastation.

Ollie was gone. Gone.
I couldn't get him back.
The sudden urge for Ollie was overwhelming. I needed anything; a hug, a laugh, a kiss, a word, a smile, a glance.
I needed him. I needed him to stroke my hair and chuckle as he told me I was being irrational and crying over nothing. I needed him to scoop me into his big burly arms and press every part if himself to me, so it was impossible to feel alone, and hold me till I stopped crying. I needed him to look at me with such concern in his eyes you'd think I was missing my head. I needed him to lay next to me, whispering gentle and calming words into my ears, ruffling my hair slightly with his always minty breath.
But never again.

"Never again" I blub, an attempt at breaking the silence before it eats me whole, it doesn't work.

There's a knock on the door that makes me flinch. I stay silent hoping they'll stop, they don't.
After the knocking persists for what feels like hours, it stops abruptly and is followed by a moments silence before a loud thud and whimpering.
Great, why'd the infants have to have their paddy's outside my room?

"Am I going to have any trouble with you again!?"
A voice. Angry. Aggressive. Protective?
I start to sit up as I strain to hear what's happening outside my door.
"Didn't you hear what happened today?"
I started for my door, curious as to the conversations direction.
"Jefferson. That's what." I froze as the conversation drove full speed, down the road, and off a cliff.
"So, if you wouldn't mind leaving the girl whose brother just died alone then we won't have anymore trouble!" the voice was loud now, furious. Meanwhile, I was in free-fall; Me. They're talking about me. I'm the girl whose brother just died- is now dead.

I collapsed to the floor in an abyss of sorrow as it truly sank in, though I'd said the words over and over, they never really stuck. Now though, they were like super-glue.

Ollie was gone.

"You wanted to play 'knock-down-ginger' with the girl whose only living relative just died!?"
The voice was back again now, after a deliberate pause for emphasis, angrier than before. "How dare you! How fucking dare you!" The voice was shouting now, louder and louder. The louder it got, the crisper it flowed from under my door. Slowly, clearer and clearer, I began to recognize The Voice.

Josh.

How dare he!?

Anger now coursing through my veins, funneling upwards, before bursting as it reached the top as white hot, fiery fury.

How dare he!

I was angry- no, I was livid.

I reached for the nearest item on the floor beside me, Ollie's latest read, a sappy romance with some borderline naked couple on the thick, wrinkled spine.
Personally, I'm more of a Si-Fi girl.

I grasped "The Flames of Lust" tightly against my chest and abruptly, as if exhaling a breath, let it fly in one swift, swooping motion towards my door. The large, inappropriate book slapped the door with a crack, leaving an echo of such magnitude, the base had never been so silent.

I lay there on the floor, in silence, breathing deeply and quickly as my heart-rate decelerated. There was, for that brief moment, no anger, no grief, no pain, no hurt, no thoughts, only silence.

Silence that was short lived.

"Harley?" Quietly, cautiously, Josh whispered softly through my door. "Harley, you in there?"

I sniffed in response.

"Okay, I'm coming in" He paused for a moment, waiting for my objection, but without one, the door slowly opened.

A face appeared.
"Are you going to throw a book at me again?" He paused weighing in the probability. "Coz, if you are, I won't come in." Though I refused to look at him, I could picture the coy smile plastered on his face.

I huffed as he crept in, my chest rising And falling from where I lay on my back, limbs splayed out, on my thin blue carpet.

"Harley-" He started.

"Don't." I interrupted. My voice laced with icicles. "You had no right."

"But Harley-"

"I said don't"

"But Harles-"

"God-dammit Josh! I said don't. Don't, as in, do-not. Do not cross that line because, I promise you, there will be no redemption" My voice, now consumed in fire was lethal. I sat up to look at him, only to see him flinching at my every word.
"Okay then" he smoothed after a slight pause to recover. "I won't."

I lay back against the carpet again, seemingly exhausted. I closed my eyes, racking the inside of my brain for peace, when all I found outside was chaos.

I drifted back into reality after some time and opened my eyes slightly, I could hear shuffling around my room and propped myself up on my elbows to try and decide what was going on.
Josh was still here, riffling through my stuff with poise and care. I stared puzzled, he knew well enough where each of my meager possessions were kept and therefore the need for scavenging was irradicated.
After quite some more time I gave up guessing and broke through my barrier of stubborn and proud stones and asked him.

"What're you doing Josh?" I could hear the anger lingering in my tongue but it had been diluted by my curiousity.
He smiled his sweet smile and softly whispered "I'm waiting for you to cross the line."
He motioned to the ground by my feet and as I followed his gaze I saw it, a thin penciled out circle of chalk, contrasting itself on the dark carpet.
"What is it-?" I mumbled quizzingly.
"You won't let me cross the line..." He had found what he was looking for and started to come over. "And I can't force you to cross it..." He sat down with the object, disguised by his hands. "So I'll wait." He revealed the object to be, in fact, multiple objects. My spare pillow and blanket, some protein bars of Ollies and two water bottles.

He smiled again. "And be here when you're ready to."

I understood now, for myself. The line was accepting Ollie's death and that he was dead. Josh had crossed it quickly, though a shock for him, he was never emotionally attached to Ollie. His loyalty always lied with me. That's why if it was crossed, it couldn't be forgotten. You can't accept someone's truly gone and then deny them ever dying. That's not how the line works.
I couldn't bear Josh saying it because that would be him pulling me over the line, and you can't force someone to believe something no matter how true it is.

I took the blanket and pillow, one of the protein bars and a bottle. Pulled them slowly into the circle, my circle.