Jennifer Styles - Niall Horan FanFiction

Icing On the Pathetic Cake

A/N: Please listen to song on the side! It’s P!nk - Who Knew. Listen to it before, during, or after the chapter, but please just listen.

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“Hello?” I said into the phone curiously.

“It’s me, Niall.” I stared at my phone in confusion, it had been an unknown number. “I had to change my number.” He said almost reading my mind. “Some fans leaked it so-”

“Why did you call, Niall.” I was having none of his shit. I checked myself out in the mirror, puckering my lips, fixing my hair. It took him a few seconds to adjust to my rudeness.

“Uh” he stuttered a bit as I rolled my eyes, even though he couldn’t see me. “I thought, maybe we could go out again?”

“I’m busy.”

“Oh.” He obviously wasn’t expecting that. “Well, not right now, I mean, whenever you’re free-”

“I’m busy for a really long time.” There was a long pause, he was either upset, confused, or sad. Good. If being a rude little bitch was what it takes for everyone to finally leave me the fuck alone, so be it. “If that’s all you need, then I’m gonna hang-”

“No!” He shouted desperately. “If you can’t go out… Then let’s talk?” I sighed and sat on my bed. Might as well play along.

“Fine”

“Really?” I could hear the surprise dripping from his voice. “Great! Um.. How are you?”

“You know it really pisses me off when people ask that. Like I fucking know. And like anyone actually cares. It makes me think about how I’m feeling, which is really unnecessary. So unless you wanna sit here for two hours like a therapist.-”

“Sorry!” He probably didn’t even know what he was sorry for. He paused for a second thinking of a way to change the subject. “How are your dreams?”

“My dreams?” I asked as if he just said the dumbest thing ever. “How much denser could you get?”

“For fucks sake Jay, I just asked about your dreams!”

“You wanna know about my dreams?” I didn’t give him a chance to reply. “They’re like a fucking maze. Pointless, and full of torture. Making me relive all the things I had buried. Just full of people crying and judging my decisions. And the worst part-” My voice cracked. My chest was pumping up and down at a fast pace. “Every time someone finally smiles.” I took a breathe and I knew Niall was hanging on every word looking for some sort of an answer. “I wake up.” I hung up and held the phone to my chest. I need to leave, now. I grabbed a jacket and rushed to the nearest bar.

“C’mon.” The tall guy lead me to the washroom, I knew what his intentions were, and I was gonna let him fulfill them. As soon as we were in a stall, there were no more words. He just took off his shirt and latched his lips to my neck.

Panting hard, I grabbed onto the guys shoulders, as he placed a cold, sloppy, hickey on my neck.

“This is what you want, right? Like I don’t need some clingy bitch calling me tomorrow crying over this.” I could here the faucets dripping outside. The stranger I had maybe had a five second conversation with over some shots, grabbed a sliver packet from his pocket. I nodded fearfully. This is what I wanted. Another inner voice almost laughed at how pathetic I was, giving up something I could never get back to a stranger, in a dirty bathroom at some bar. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, but this is how its gonna be. No emotion, no I love you’s, just two people having sex. Quite sad actually.

I was home minutes after. To disgusted with myself to even say goodbye to the random person who just took my virginity. I was in the shower, trying to scrub off his hurtful touch. I was so disappointed with myself. I promised myself, I had promised myself, that I wouldn’t turn into those train wrecks. Whom go to drugs for answers. Those who live off bad publicity. I’m different! I was different. My arm slowly guided the soap up my other arm. I laughed thinking about the old times I actually liked Harry. I know, crazy. But he was my brother, I thought what he was doing was normal. As much as it pained me to say, I loved him. I turned the pipe off and stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself.

I sat on my bed staring at the cold reflection across from me. My lip quivered as I saw the small yet bright purple hickey on my neck. “You’re so pathetic, letting some random stranger touch you like that. Have fun going to hell.” It’s official, I’ve gone fucking mental. I fell back on my bed as past family memories started to flood my head. Harry was in each of them. Every. Single. One. It’s not like I wanted him to be. Then, I saw him. On the ceiling, just staring at me. I started breathing heavily. “Why.” I said in a weak voice.

“I just wanted to protect you.”

“From what!” I screamed. He didn’t reply. “We use to get along so well.”

“We did.” He now sat next to me. I wanted to place my head on his shoulders, like I always did. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me, like he always did. I wanted.. I wanted him. “Don’t cry.” I could hear the pity in his voice.

“I’m not.”

“But you want to.”

“I’m not weak.” I told answering a question that had never been asked.

“I never said you were.” I saw him place his arm around me, I felt nothing.

“Go ahead, say it.” He didn’t reply. “Say how disgusted with me you are. That my first time was with a stranger at a fucking pub. How much of a fucking whore I am. Go ahead say it.” He didn’t say anything again. It pissed me off how he wasn’t yelling at me. “Three years ago, you were my everything. The only person I ever wanted to be with.” He smiled but I kept a neutral look. “If then, someone said, three years from now. You’d be long gone. I would have stood up, and punched them out. Because they were all wrong.” He laughed, and I couldn’t help but laugh along with him.

“You know I’m not real.”

“Shh.” I said in a quiet hum. “Just a little longer.” I didn’t care that he wasn’t really there. I needed him, and this was the only way. “You know how hard it is when I need a shoulder, someone to talk to, a brother, and you’re not there for me.” When he began to fade, and didn’t reply, I knew the conversation was over. “I wish I could still call you friend.” I threw on my sweats and grabbed  a guitar.

  I decided to go to the music room and collect my thoughts. Before I left my room, I took one last glance in. He sat there, as normal as ever, and waved a last goodbye before he vanished. What left my mouth next, would make me hate myself for a long time, cause I had denied it for so long. But it needed to be said.

“I miss you.”

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A/N: Please listen to the song on the side. P!nk - Who Knew.