Radiance

Chapter Twelve

“So, resting on the heathy bank,

I took my heart to me;

And we together sadly sank

Into a reverie

We thought, ‘When winter comes again,

Where will these bright things be?

All vanished, like a vision vain,

An unreal mockery!’                                                                                                    

  A Day Dream - Bronte

Tamar stirred gently to the birdsongs from somewhere distant. Her face felt damp with the morning dew and crusted with old tears. Eyes closed she fumbled to feel the ground around her with ice cold fingertips. She heard the gentle crunching as she tightened her grip around a handful of autumn leaves. Pains ripped through her hand as night old wounds tore open once again and her eyes opened wide to see her filthy hands, torn and peeling with exhausted blood stains. For that astonished second Tamar couldn’t comprehend where she was – or what disasters had occurred the night before. She sat up and shivered as a shock flew up her spine and raced across her mind. It felt like a sad attempt to shake off the memory that her foolishness had doomed those she loved. As certainty settled over her she wept - cold, stone tears, alone in a forest of past times.

She remembered running as fast as her legs would carry her, knowing her life depended on it. Shouts had called all around her in the woods, beings on horseback and creatures with their own means of speed. She’d fallen many times, grazing her hands and legs. She’d paused and hidden low in the bushes until it had fallen quiet then listened for the direction of the river and bolted. Tamar was sure she had finally lost them at the river. They would have stationed themselves on the Belljune Bridge, assuming she would never be foolish enough to dare the currant. There was no other option before her as she jumped into the freezing water. She gained further injuries as her body collided with submerged rocks. Dragged downstream Tamar avoided being spotted.

After several attempts at reaching shore she succeeded. Cold to the bone, adrenaline was the only thing that pushed her body on.

She remembered spotting the Pryderi’s house a long way off, forcing her feet to plod faster. She’d bumped into Nell coming in the gate. Tamar only realised now that they had both been weeping on collision; Tamar hysterically and Nell silently. Nell had looked shocked at Tamar’s appearance but said nothing as she ran on to find Evalynis.

The next thing Tamar could remember was shouting at Evalynis, screaming her apologies and acknowledging her stupidity. Evalynis did nothing. She looked terrified enough for them both. When Tamar had finished and fallen in a heap on the floor, Evalynis had helped her up, soothing her sobs. They cried together.

“Tamar, Abednego did not come home after you left.” Evalynis whispered. “If what you say is true about Bynethrin’s disguise, she has found the truth from him. They have him.”

Tamar sobbed harder, blubbering profanities and apologies.

“How could I be so stupid? This is my fault. But they won’t hurt him Ev, they can’t!” Tamar tried to convince herself as she gripped Evalynis’ hands. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to fix this!”

“It is not yours to fix Tamar. What’s done is done. At least they do not have you.” Evalynis reasoned.

With her gentle composure she steered Tamar to the door and back to the meadow under the cover of darkness, telling her she must escape now. Crying still, Tamar embraced Evalynis and then ran with everything she had at the gap in the tree from which she had fallen. The daffodil heads were hung low as she passed.