He Was There

He was there.

She was sure of it. He was standing in front of the bedside table, looking down at the framed photos, tracing a finger on a particular picture.

He was there. Then he wasn't.

She took off her glasses and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

Each step she took forward felt like a stab in the gut, plunging deeper and deeper until it reached a core in her being and burned a hole there.

The construction noises could be heard from outside, but it wasn't loud enough. Not loud enough to drown the sound of her soul leaking out of her and pooling at her feet. She closed her eyes and waited 'til her head stopped spinning like crazy.

If she closed her eyes like that, she could almost pretend that G was there with her. There near the window where his computer used to be. She could imagine him sitting there and laughing at something he found online.

It has been a year. A whole damn year. She thought she'd be okay. She thought— Fuck.

This was supposed to be goodbye. She was supposed to come here and prove to herself what she's been telling other people. That she moved on. But fuck. She could feel him in every corner of the room. The wound opened again. And it still hurt.

She saw him on that last day. She saw the life leave his eyes. She heard him take his last breath. She held him, crying, hoping she'd feel his heart beat again as her palm lay on his chest. She saw him die. But somehow... somehow, she was hoping he never did. Every time she sees dirty blonde hair and a green scarf, she'd catch her breath.

She opened her eyes and caught her breath now. Because there he was, sitting where he always used to sit with his dirty blonde hair and green scarf. He was looking at her. His eyes were as blue as she'd last seen them and as beautiful and as clear.

It was happening again. She'd see him but he wasn't really there. Ofcourse he wasn't. He's dead. He died, she told herself.

"Hanna."

It sounded so much like G that she sprung to her feet. The G in her hallucinations never spoke before.

He stood and carefully reached out a hand, as if he might scare her away. "Baby, it's me."

Her heart literally felt like it would break. She stared at his face, looking at every detail.

He took a wary step towards her and she let him. God, she'd run into his arms if her feet didn't feel like bricks.

He closed the distance between them and hugged the air out of her lungs, but she didn't mind because he felt so real.

"Oh my God," she sobbed, burying her face on his chest.

"I'm sorry." He whispered in her hair. It somehow sunk in that that should... not... be possible. But she wasn't willing to let go because she knew this was G. Whatever this was, she knew it was G's arms wrapped around her. It was the G she spent 15 years with. The person she met when she was 8 while she still had pigtails and wore jumpers with scrapes on her knees.

She wanted to live in that hallucination. She wanted to stay inside her head where shit happens, but she could see G there and she'd give anything to be with him again.

He held her at arms length so he could look at her.

He touched her cheek with his hand and smiled down at her. She noticed that his eyes weren't the same as she thought. They were somehow darker... deeper. It was still blue. But now it was blue like that spot in the middle of the sea where it's too high for people to swim in. Blue like that jacket he made her wear when he first kissed her. It was different. But it was still G's eyes.

"I love you, baby." He leaned in and pressed his cold lips to her forehead. "Always."

Then the room was empty again.

And she was clutching on air.

She realized she had never moved on. She loved G too much. He was her life. Today was supposed to be their 6th anniversary as a couple and 15th as best friends.

Her knees felt too weak to hold her up and she slid to the floor. She knelt there, sobbing. The dirt didn't bother her at all. Nothing even mattered anymore.

It was then that G's younger brother, Isaac, walked in and found her curled up in the dusty carpeted floor. She forgot he was waiting for her outside.

"Christ." He mumbled and crouched down in front of her. "Hanna?"

She shut her eyes tightly and nodded.

He helped her to her feet. "I knew you shouldn't have come here. It's too much."

Tears rolled down her cheeks in a steady stream. She didn't even have the energy to wipe them away. "it's been a year. I thought I'd be fine." She said between sobs.

"Well, let's get you home."

She looked back at the bed. Hoping, that maybe... maybe he'd be there. But ofcourse he wasn't.

The drive home was quiet.

She managed to calm down a bit, but she was still crying.

Isaac had been glancing at her with worry.

"I'm fine, kid." She tried to smile at him reassuringly.

He nodded gingerly. "I see you found his scarf."

"What?"

"The scarf." Isaac gestured her neck. "I thought someone stole it when we were moving his stuff. He loved that scarf, you know. You gave it to him."

She heard only half of what he said. She looked down at her chest. Hanging loosely on her neck... was a green scarf that was never there before.