DESTITUTE || HS ✔️

six

When I woke up that morning, I thought it had become the best morning and night of my life. Everything had went unbelievably amazing and to the point of where I confessed my love for Harry Styles, as well as him doing the same. Some say every time you have sex, you feel as if you have this glow or light on you. You feel if you are alive.

I didn't feel anything. Sure, it had felt like one of the best nights of my life besides Zayn and Harry getting into a fight, but happy things only last a short period of time I have learned. But, when I turned over in that damn bed, there was one thing missing, and I easily noticed it.

Harry wasn't there.

His tattooed arms weren't enveloping me or holding me as he used to do. The warmthness of the bed was gone, and I immediately looked towards my bathroom door to notice it was wide open. He wasn't in there either, but when my eyes scanned the ground for our discarded clothes, they had disappeared as well, too, except my dress and undergarments. My clothes were put in the dirty clothes pile.

I had quickly put on whatever shirt I could find with panties before I sprinted throughout the house yelling Harry's name to see if he was anywhere. My mind was only focused on him, and I didn't care if it was twelve in the fucking afternoon and I ran on my lawn of where the neighbors could see me acting like a mad woman, everything was just on Harry.

Strangely, my car wasn't gone nor was my keys. The pool area was completely clear, and I had looked all throughout the house to see if he had left any trails. But, as I searched Harry's room to find it completely empty, with the bed made and all of any traces of clothes...gone.

And then, when I ran down to my kitchen counter to relive our two in the morning conversations, a large note was laid out in the middle of it with one glass full of warm cranberry juice on one side, where I would usually sit, and an empty class on the other side, where Harry would sit. It was an empty glass of orange juice, and I fucking knew what that meant, and the tears had started slipping right then and right there because I realized what that meant.

Dear Adeline Grace Carter, also known as my first love,

I know this isn't how you wanted it all to happen. You wanted it to be where you would wake up in my arms and we would greet each other and say that we love each other, as well as being in love with each other. And, I wanted to say that I am completely sorry for it all.

This was not supposed to happen, the whole concept of love. God, none of it was, but I would never regret it. Hell, I want you to know that I have never felt more alive that being with you. But, I know you are confused right at this moment and want to know why the hell I am not there, holding you in my arms.

I'm gone. And I'm so sorry. But, thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for being my friend, my shoulder to cry on, my person to laugh with, and my person to complain to. You are the reason who I am today, so thank you.

I left because it's so hard wondering if those two in the morning conversations changed me or not, wondering if all those experiencing with the world things ever helped me. I left because I know I was wasting your time when you should be with someone else who can do so much better. And I know this whole scenario is so damn cliche, but it is the absolute truth.

You can only convince yourself for so long that you are right for someone because you want it to work so damn much but there will come a day where there's a feeling deep down in your heart telling you to let go; and I decided to make that easier by leaving because it would happen one day, and I should have done it so many months earlier, but God, I was already falling in love with you. My heart was getting so attached, and my selfishness lead up to where we are now.

I know that you think I'm some homeless guy that came off of the streets for his depression, but I am not. When you saw me that night, drunk off my ass, I was sad because of the feeling with you. I was sad because I knew it was the time to leave you, but I didn't. If I could be honest for one day, even just for a split second, I'd tell you that I'm hurting. And I mean really hurting.The wonder of how someone can feel so lonely while loving and being loved had crossed through my mind because I thought of you, and I know that is how you felt. You still do, Adeline. And when we met, I had no idea that you'd become this important to me.

I'm sorry for loving you too much.

You are such an artwork that I could admire you forever, and I want you to know that, too. You say that you hate when people say this shit about you, that none of it is true, but everything is beautiful on the inside, you just have to dig deeper. And I did.

I didn't use you for sex. Let's clear that up right here, I didn't. What we did, we made love, Addy. People do that when they are in love and love each other. I'm going to end this letter by saying one last thing, and God, when you meet your next love, you'll always bring this with you.

You are an alive soul, one out of a million are in the world like you, and that is very rare. The weirdness of you is absolutely incredible, and every human being is weird in their own way. Embrace it, Adeline, embrace it. You are a strong, young woman and I love you so much for that.

You'll see one day, and either I'll still be living on the streets or somewhere at a damn library, knowing me. My eyes won't be as bright as they used to be; they will probably be a grayish green. But you, you will always be dazzling with your hazy blue eyes. I'll see you with probably two kids, like you had always said you wanted to have, and you will have a lovely man by your side. God, how I wish it could have been me. But, sometimes, soulmates have other soul mates who have other soulmates. And I think you are mine, but you have another one, waiting out in the world for you.

You would smile and wave at me, and I would do the same. And then, all of our memories would come back. Orange and warm cranberry juice would pop into my mind first, and then our two in the morning conversations, and so on. But, I would see you with them and it would bring the biggest smile to my face, knowing that you are okay and doing lovely. You always are lovely, and always will be, Adeline. Do not, please do not wait for me. Go out and be alive.

And, this is the end of my last few words. I'm sorry, and you know that. Don't run over any guys with your car, that will only be our stories.

I love you, and am in love with you, Adeline.

Harry Styles x