How Much Is Redemption

Chapter 1

Kai thought his hand would shake when he had Bonnie caught in his magical grip and her boots tore off the floor, but it didn't. With the blurry veil of looming death finally lifted off his eyes, he saw hers flooded with fear and realization of defeat. He held her there, like a damn Darth Vader, and wanted to relish in her terror that was his reward. He really wanted to – and for a moment there, he thought he did. Kai liked to have an upper hand after what felt like an eternity of misery and losses. He liked being the reason her heart thrashed – and felt the momentary urge to laugh at his former stupidity: God, was he stupid or what when he thought this frantic pulse might ever overcome her for another reason when she looked at him. There were not enough apologies in the world to make anyone see what they didn't want to see. His problem was, however, that there was just one person in the whole world he wanted to see it. And she not just chose ignorance – she stabbed him with the same weapon he gave her himself. Ironic, indeed. Also, too damn painful. So painful it felt impossible that there could be so much hurt available to harass you constantly. He desperately wished to turn it off, to go back and rewind it, but never could.

Not until now.

Now, Kai recalled, he truly could turn it all off. Take advantage of the vampire perk. It was exactly what he would do, after this was over. One last piece was missing, and there's no cake without an icing.

He gnashed his teeth, absorbing the horror her face was oozing. Nor did she hide the disdain and ... what was it? He could bet his damned life, it was hatred there, too.

Good. Let her hate me. Let her choke on it if that's what she wants.

A fleeting grimace of wrath gripping his face, he flicked his wrist, sending Bonnie Bennett's fragile human body into the wall. He felt himself flinch as her spine and ribs cracked before she hit the floor and lay there, motionless and breathing in short, sporadic gasps like a rabbit about to die from fright. Kai smelled her blood – the little of it that oozed from her ear or the corner of her mouth – and as peckish as he felt by then, hunger was the last thing to hold his attention. Something was trembling inside of him when he made himself sit on the wooden stage step. He let out an unsteady breath, locked his hands together in front of him to ground himself and focus. There was blood everywhere, but hers kept pulling his strings. Kai kept wondering how he knew it right away, and hated that new vampire nose.

He started to understand he hated a whole lot about this day.

It had to become the feast of newly won freedom. It was going there up until now – until that little crack of bone that sent his mind reeling. He realized he was indeed trembling, tried to make himself stop, could not. Not while she kept drawing air in those tiny gasps like a small wounded animal. A hot flash of anger almost made him tell her – again – it was all her fault, her doing, but then he didn't. No point when he had told her just that on the tape. Kai heaved a sigh and rubbed his neck. At least something in him wasn't aching, anymore.

Damon finally showed up. Took him long enough – Kai was beginning to worry the vampire would come to his dead friend – but he made it in time. Broken glass crunched under Damon's shoes as he approached her, scowling as if a pit bull was gnawing at his left bullock. He observed her, squatted down. "Bonnie... Hey, Bonnie?"

She gave a strangled sob. "D—Damon..."

"So, Damon," Kai began, and Damon looked up at him as though just now noticing, "here's the thing. Your choice just got much easier to make – you're welcome, by the way. We all know how much of a wreck you are without your 'damn girlfriend' as you put it earlier, so hereby you get a chance to reunite with her... in, say, a few minutes. Bon's not doing so hot. Of course, you can throw it off by a hundred years – witches are good at longevity. Or you could just let the injury take its toll, no blood on your hands. Kiss and hug and make up and walk away and then you get what you want. How about that? Happily ever after was tonight's motto – or was supposed to be, after all, right?" Kai gave him a mock hearty smile.

"Da—Damon," Bonnie croaked. "P—Please..."

Damon's face was a kaleidoscope of scattered emotions shifting into each other: hurt, anger, grief, fear, sympathy – they all danced around in a frenzy of doubt. It struck Kai amazed how much doubt.

And it struck him dumbfounded there was any at all.

A faint grimace of misery creased Damon's features. "I'm so sorry, Bon," he whispered.

Bonnie wheezed; her pulse jumped. Kai saw her head jerk in Damon's direction as if she didn't trust her eyes and ears.

Kai knew he no longer wanted to trust his.

Damon leaned in to place a tender kiss on her forehead, then pried his hand from hers clutching at it as though it were a life belt. Flabbergasted, Kai watched him slowly walk away from her, like an ashamed dog with its tail tucked between its legs.

With a sudden impulse of indignation, Kai bolted up and threw his hand forth. That crack caressed his hearing and touched his mouth with a satisfied smile. He scoffed a laugh as he stood over Bonnie, overseeing Damon's body a dozen feet away. "Did you see that, Bon? That was it. He just left you. Wow, man. I mean, one would think four months is a long enough time to get to know someone, but look at that! And not only I didn't know anything – you were as clueless." He looked down at her, gauging her reaction and drinking it in, all of it, tear by tear that rolled from the corners of her eyes and gathered in her ears and hair. She wasn't looking at him – her eyes were locked on some space within her broken heart. Kai couldn't hear it break, but he saw the shards.

And he felt the pain.

"Fate's sense of humor is a twisted thing, hey, Bon. Or call it karma or whatever else – the point stays the same." He seated himself on the floor next to her. "You know, when I sat back there with those heretics sucking my life out, one painful drop after another, I dreamt of this moment. It was a bit different every time, but frankly, I couldn't imagine it quite like it's panned out. This is really more than I could ask for – it shows you exactly what the one person you trusted most stands for, and how much you're worth to those you consider your family. Oh, I'm so experienced in that kind of hurt – and I really, really wanna feel glee now that you've discovered that pain and joined my club... but somehow it sickens me. It sickens me to see you betrayed me for a bogus. It sickens me to see you've thrown me back in the pit of hell when I only just climbed out – for THIS."

Her eyes finally flicked to his and locked, welled up, spilling. And there was hate, burning brighter than before, flanked by hurt and terror.

And that hate did Kai in. He felt his heart crunch up with all the ire, exasperation, disappointment and despair finally reaching the rim and pouring out bubbling. He stared down at her, almost breathless. "You'll never get it, will you? You'll never actually grasp it, no matter what I do." Bitterness filled him to the top of his ears; it burned him like acidic rainstorm raging inside. "It's always gonna be me to pin the blame on, huh. He walked away, and it's still my fault? Right? Of course. Would it still be my fault if it were you the sleeping one and neither of them ever remembered about you while living out their happily-ever-after? Of course... And you know why? Because it's always easier to justify those you love. That's why they screw you over – because you let 'em." Unconsciously, he wiped his cheek with the back of his hand and found there was a tear on its way down. Another one was about to spill before he got it, too. He didn't want to look at Bonnie. He didn't think he could stand to read how much she hated him.

She wheezed – probably another sob.

He let out an abrupt exhale, bit his wrist and pressed it to her mouth. He expected her to fight it, but she didn't. She latched on and drank while he regarded Damon's corpse in the hallway. Kai took his hand away, got up and strolled to the stage. The dark pool of blood was drying. He remembered Alaric's gaze – a void filled with nothing but raw suffering. Kai felt like a sick man between the delusions. Her was vaguely aware he had to be feeling something – and that there was too much to register without overheating the core.

Behind him, Bonnie was scrambling to her feet.

He suddenly knew she would run to check on Damon, and couldn't conceive of witnessing it. There was a limit to what he could take at this point. "Go away," he said without turning, his eyes glued to the pool of Jo's blood. "Get away from me."