Dear Cas...

This is stupid...

Dear Cas,

I think that this is stupid.
But I told myself to do this.
For you.
So, well, since I left you in this hospital bed, dead and cold, I have been drunk most of the time.
I couldn't think about the things that happened.

I didn't want to think about the fact that I would never see you again.
I just couldn't.
Sam usually picked me up at the bar when I was drunk again.
And when we drove home in the car I just cried and cried and didn't stop.

At night I screamed into my pillow, had nightmares and punched everything I could reach in my sleep.
It was never easy to handle your death, Cas.
I shouted at Sammy and Jess, smashed all their things and drank their alcohol.

All this happened one year ago.

I still have some of these problems, but I'm not drunk most of the time anymore, and I have a job again.
I work at a service station.
It's pretty nice there, I get to pimp up some cool cars or motorcycles.

But my life is very boring now.
Like it was before I met you.
Nothing is the same as with you.
Yeah sure, I've got a roof over my head and food on my table, but it's not the same.

The time I spent with you was by far the greatest time I've ever spent with anyone.

I would give every single thing I own just to spend one more minute with you.

I just want to see you again.
Tell you that I love you.
Because I really do.

I love you more than you think.
I love you more than the moon loves the earth.
I love you more than the mouse loves the cheese.
And I love you more than I hope you love me.

Sorry, some tears tripped out of my eye.

"Screw you manly tears!" right?
I remember when we were younger you used to cry over every single thing I did to myself or someone else did to me, and I would just come up with this sentence and kiss you till you stop crying.
And for sure you'd play the pissed bitch because I frightened you so badly.

Oh, how I miss these days.
How I miss you.
Cas, I love you.

I would write these three words all across the paper because I've got the feeling you never understood how much I really love you.
I'm sure I told you like 1000 times, but I still don't think you know how much my love to you means.

I loved being together with you.
I loved every little thing about you and I still do.

I really got used to all this: "You are going to hell!" And "You fucking faggots!" Because nothing of this really bothered me anymore.
I mean, why should I care when I'm in love with the cutest boy I've ever met?

"He's like... The best thing that ever happened to me."
I told them when they asked about our relationship and explained to them that you were the only thing in my life that really cheered me up when the bad times came.

They asked why you died and I told them because I was to stupid to protect you.

I know you don't want me to say things like this but it's the truth.
I wasn't there when you needed me.
I wasn't there when I should have been.
And I'm sorry for this.

I know you said "It isn't your fault." And that you never blamed me for this but I'll never forgive myself.
I was such an idiot.
But, Cas.
I want you to know how sorry I am.
That's one of the many reasons why I wrote this letter.
I never should have left you.
But I was scared.

Scared that I would hurt you.
Scared that you would get as depressed as me.
Scared that you would left me.
So I left instead.

But I never forgot you.
No day passed without me thinking about you.
Every single minute I thought about our time together.

Thought about the way you smiled at me.
Thought about your messy hair after you woke up.
And thought about the day at the beach.

That's my favorite memory of you.
I still have this picture of you with the windbreaker and your curly hair blowed up by the wind.
And you smiled at me.

Oh gosh, that smile I'll never forget.
When you smiled at me like that I fell even more in love with you than I already was.

But I should stop now, before the paper gets to wet from all my tears.
Well, the last thing I want to tell you is:
If you're up there somewhere, kick god's ass for me, please.
How did he dare to take you away from me.
Thanks.
Well, I love you and

See you then.

Your Dean.

(Special Credits to @bandtrashcan who helped me with translation. Thanks, pal! :D)