The Idiots Guide to Writing a Clichè Basic Fan Fiction

Main character

First off, your character MUST be a Girl! Her name must be either Kylie, Rachael, or Rebekah. She also has to love food too but they HAVE to be stick skinny, because we all know that everyone's dream girl is a twig in a dress (i hope you sense my sarcasm there)! Speaking of food, NEVER let your main character or anyone related to her EVER drink eat or inhale anything other than Starbucks and Nandos! Its like...the cardinal sin of fan fictions. They also have to either work at Starbucks or a music store. Fast food restaurants are strictly prohibited and so is the playing of any kind of leisure sport. Someone please remind me again how the children are toothpicks. Also their wardrobe must consist of oversized shirts, tribal print clothing, and ALL of their shorts jeans and skirts MUST be high-waisted. They always have to go for the "natural" look in makeup: a few coats of mascara, black pixie eyeliner, dark grays and blacks in eyeshadow and red lipstick. Honey child, I don't know where you're from but here on earth, that is not how people naturally look *insert sassy eyebrow raise here*.

Your main character also has to be short....no tall girls allowed because its not as cute when Harry kisses your nose if your the same height as him. She also has to love Nutella. You're not human if you don't. She also must have brown wavy hair that cascades perfectly down her back leading up to her tiny curvy waist. Her deep blue orbs have to shine in the moonlight during Harry and her beach picnic. Her plump pink lips have to "dance" perfectly in sync with Harry's when they kiss and yet she has to think she's the ugliest person in the world, so therefore she has to cut frequently. She also has to have virtually no family. Her father is either some abusive pothead, in jail for murder , or dead. Her mom has either become an alcoholic since her boyfriend left her, been busy all the time because of work, or she just dropped off the face of the earth. 🌍 Speaking of her mother... even though she claims to be British she always calls her mother mommy or mom as opposed to mum. Rebekah MUST be 18 or older and if not then she's 14 and gets legally adopted by One Direction. She also has to have serious personal problems. Apparently you're not allowed to like yourself if you're a fanfiction character.  You have to have self esteem issues even though you're freakin perfect in your own way. You solve those self esteem issues by cutting (which has to be described in great detail btw) and doing anything else you can do to mess up your perfectly beautiful self. The back story of the tear jerker that is Rebekah's life is a depressing horrible tale of losing her family and all the money they had yet now only 3 years later she can afford and iPhone, a car, and her own apartment. If not the apartment, she moves in with Harry after 3 months of knowing eachother. Even though she has self proclaimed "trust issues" she is too desperate for somewhere to live to decline. (ok...sure. dont pretend you dont want to Rebekah) I mean why couldnt you trust Harry? He's only broken your heart ten times before, I guess those trust issues just fade away when it comes to hot boybands. Whoa. I've been readin After too much.