Chapter Twenty
I was so glad I hadn't picked out Jasper's name for Secret Santa. Half a second after I'd suggested the idea to Carlisle, I'd realised it was a mistake. I'd never be able to find a gift good enough for him, without making it blatantly obvious how I felt about him. When I'd opened my scrap of paper and seen Emmett's name, the relief I felt was immediate and intense.
At the time, I was still reeling from not one, but two ridiculously dizzying moments with Jasper. My first flash of giddiness came when he'd whispered 'You'll have to make it up to me'. The sexy way he said it had filled my head with delicious visions of what he could mean. Of course, not a single one of them involved wearing clothes. I squashed down my desires as fast as I could, but I was sure he'd noticed this time. He'd stayed in the doorway looking blank and I'd run off to the living room before I slipped up again. Then, when he put his hands on my hips, and lifted me up to put the star on the tree I'd almost died. Even brushing my shoulder against his sent a shiver through me. I swear any more contact than that and it became a battle to control myself.
Nevertheless, I couldn't not touch him. I just couldn't stay away. I'd spend the rest of my life in his lap if he'd let me and I was starting to get the feeling that he would. Sometimes, he looked at me the way I was sure I was looking at him. Every so often, he'd say little things that could mean more than they seemed to. I was even starting to think that he might be flirting with me, but I was always quick to remember that it was probably just his way. After all, Emmett was a constant flirt, and he never meant anything by it.
Jasper consumed my every waking thought, and probably, my sleeping thoughts too. I knew that by now I must have sleep talked about him, and he must have heard. Thankfully, I also knew that I talked about everything from toast to parrots hopefully he would simply dismiss anything I said.
I hated the fact that he could feel my emotions, and I wondered if people projected feelings while they slept. If they did, I was surprised Jasper hadn't teased me about some of the dreams I'd had recently. My personal favourite so far, had started innocently enough. I'd been showering in our bathroom, washing my hair, when a cold hand had brushed along the heated skin of my back. As the feelings from my dream started to overtake me again, I shook my head to clear my thoughts. The problem with this dream especially was how vivid it had been. I already knew exactly what it felt like to have Jaspers cold skin against mine just after a shower and it felt good, far too good to be allowed.
Every time I drifted out of a Jasper daydream, I felt guilty. He deserved to know how I felt, even if it meant he kept his distance for a while. However, a part of me knew that he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't leave me, no matter what. Even if he never loved me the way I loved him, he definitely did love me in some way. He told me once when he thought I was asleep, but I heard the whispered words, and I'd been treasuring them for the past month.
As I drove out to Port Angeles to meet with Rosalie to due our Christmas shopping, I realised I'd finally talked myself into telling him. All I had to do was pick a time. My body buzzed with nerves. I was really going to tell him. I'd just have to spit it out, and let him decide what he wanted to do with the information. I could finally get things out in the open and stop trying to hide everything from him. Of course if he didn't feel the same way, I'd live, because he'd still be my friend. I wouldn't lose him.
As I pulled into a parking spot, I started thinking about the ways I could tell Jasper my feelings. Rosalie was at my side before I even got out of my car. Rose gave me a questioning look but said nothing. I followed her into a computer game store and as soon as we were alone Rose started questioning me. "What's the matter? You look like something huge has happened."
