Moving On

Leaving the pain behind?

He's gone.

Really gone.

What now, how do I act now? Do I just pretend he was never there or do I just try to remember the "good memories" like my mother puts it.

I can't do that I mean he just died eighteen days after my birthday now my birth month marks his death in me.

Gilbert was as close as I got to a father even though he was my grandfather. He had all the qualities I wanted in a father. Caring, humble, considerate but sometimes I wanted his honesty which he wouldn't give me . He was too good for this world I guess. And too good a person.

What do you do when you loss yourself after someone leaves? Do you cry? Do you move on? Or just pretend they were never there and you aren't broken now that they gone?

Well these were the thoughts that I had now that my better part wasn't with me anymore.
I know he hated seeing me sulk but I don't know a better way to deal with grief. I don't know how to deal with the pain I have now.

Its kind of like when you reading a great book and then the protagonist dies and then after that you really hate the author because now everything and everyone just dies a little as well.

I was never one to deal with pain. Well at least I still have a few more weeks before I have to go back to school. I don't really want to be around people, ever.

Don't get me wrong its not because I'm not popular or weird but its because I'm well known but not popular and I don't really think I want people asking me what's wrong, why?

Because I was never one to talk about my personal issues. I told myself after what they did to me, I would never confide in anyone else. The pain was unbearable. The worst part if being hurt by the people who you trust is that you never thought they would never hurt you. Because the should care about you and love you. Yeah I'm one of those who expect too much cause I would do anything to protect the people I love.

With my music in the background I find myself looking at my pictures with my father. What will happen to me now that you aren't here? How do I take my next breath without you here? That's what's when my music stopped and my cell started vibrating indicating a call, wiping the tears that slipped out at some point. I ignore the call seeing as it's Kaylen, my boyfriend. After the funeral things haven't being good between us, as I was vulnerable and he took that as an advantage. To try to make me do things I wouldn't normally do. Low? Yeah I know, so I started avoiding him as much as I could knowing he would get pissed off and go talk to his friends about me and possibly getting high.

Sliding under my blankets I sigh. Maybe things may get better? Or maybe they could get worse? But right now all I need to go is get some sleep and just stop thinking for a while.

Maybe all I should concentrate on is leaving the pain behind now. But how do I leave it behind?

Baby steps, I tell myself before I drift off to sleep.