Silence (manxman)

                                                                    Silence.

As the last person steps away from her coffin an arm snakes around my waist, offering all the comfort I need. But also allowing me the chance at say one final goodbye. If she were here, there wouldn’t be as many tears. That’s the thing about death. It’s permanent. You can’t undo it and there’s no going back. For those of us left behind, it’s harder to deal with. Those that die have it easier than those of us left behind. They’re gone. No longer part of the world. They don’t grieve for their own deaths, and sometimes, I think they have it a lot easier. Those who believe in heaven have comfort in the assumption they will reunite with their loved ones one day. I, however, know that death is really the end. You can’t do undo death. And I’ll never have the privilege of seeing her again. But for me, I take comfort in the fact her grief and pain are gone.

Blindly, I shake the hands offered to me. People say lovely things, offer me kind words. But none of it will bring her back. The ever present ache in my chest doesn’t lessen with their words. I don’t look up to speak with the people. It’s a childish move on my part, I know, but at the moment I don’t really care. My mother, the one woman who truly loved me is gone. Her bright blue eyes will never open again. I’ll never have my most trusted confidant by my side again. Never hear her laugh at jokes again. It’s surreal and real at the same time. I’m not stupid; those who know me best know that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same things other people feel. And right now I want to go into the ground with her.

“Honey, it’s over now.” The soft voice murmurs into my ear.

“Yeah,” I croak, unable to say much.

His lips brush my cheek in a soft caress. It’s strange to stand here beside him after all the arguing. The one man I never thought I could have is here, holding me as I lay my mother to rest. The most shocking thing of all, he’s holding me like a lover. No. Like more than a lover, because not even a lover would have stayed. He’s here like a partner, a husband. My heart aches for my loss, but also for his loss. He will never get to know true acceptance from a family like I had from her.

“Lennon,” he whispers. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

“I… I have to say something to her first. For myself.” He knows. His arms loosen and I move closer. The open grave hits close to home with me. I’m not prepared to say goodbye. I guess no one is ever really prepared for it. But she’s gone, and I have to move on – to live. She would never forgive me if I grieved too long. She didn’t. And now I have to be strong. I have to be an adult and that idea has never scared me more than it does now.

“Mammy,” I breathe. “You… I… What am I supposed to say to you now? You’re gone. You can’t hear me. And I’m still here. I still have to wake up and face the day without you.” Of course she doesn’t answer, but I try to imagine what she would say.

“Mammy, you were the only one who ever really loved me. The first person to truly love me,” I say. “But I would have given that up if you had been happy. I could never replace what you lost because of me.” Everything. I think to myself. “You made me the man I am today. Because of you, I’m living my dream. Though it’s never gonna be the same without you here.”

A light breeze blows my hair in front of my eyes. If I were a believer, I would think she could hear me.

“He’s still here now, Sammie, he actually stayed. I guess you were right. And maybe you’ll be right again,” I tell her. “Maybe things will work out between us this time. But that’s for me to find out. Without you.” I choke on the words. They make me feel physically sick. “I love you, so bloody much. I’m never gonna forget what you did for me. What you sacrificed to be my mammy. I wish you never had to leave me, I wish I could have you back. But you are gone, and I’m talking to myself. So I’m going to go now. I hope you understand. And I’ll love you forever for it.”