The Alpha Is My Key

Chapter 20

Janie's POV

It was hard, waking up next to him, pretending everything was fine. I'm not saying it is, because nothing was. Brendan tore through all of my boundaries without a single thought, never once looking back on the footprints he left behind. He tore down my walls, claiming to love me, but would someone wth my best intentions in mind, really do this?

For days after, I avoided confrontation, mustering a weak smile when his shined brightly at me every second. Every time he rolled over in bed, I had to pretend I was sleeping, desperate to find something better in the nightmare that had become my life. He thinks everything is perfect, but reality was anything but. I was tired, and damaged, never giving anything the time of day. It wasn't hard mustering up an act, he would believe anything I told him. Anything that belonged to him couldn't, wouldn't, be less than perfect.

I presume he thought it was just a phase I was going through, the quiet spaces in place of deep kisses. The dead stares instead of ones filled with love and lust. I was there, he could clearly see me, but Brendan refused to look passed the hard shell to see my suffering. My thoughts, my body, and heart were at a constant turmoil, never deciding to forgive my mate, or scream at him until he declared surrender.

I wanted an escape, more so now, than anything. I had believed in the fairy tales, the softened gazes of admiration as a young child, but now I was faced with twirling emotions inside of me. Inside my heart was begging to forgive him, for what he had done was small. But, my brain told me it wasn't just the action of marking me, it was him never giving me space, time to heal from my past to go into my future. He thought I would automatically fix myself, when in reality, I wasn't ready for a mate, I was still trying to figure out myself. Every time I heard his footsteps, my body cowered away.

I'm sure, I was to blame, I had lead Brendan to mark me, and it wasn't his fault that I couldn't control my emotions. I started this relationship far too gone to be able to love or help anyone.

My neck burned with each step I took. My hand went up the rub the irritated skin, a sign of my body rejecting the bond. Stepping into the living room, my gaze instantly drunk in Brendan's form, his eyes closed an d head tilted back while he sat on the couch. While I may not want to be mated to him, there was no denying the attraction I felt.

I sat down, and Brendan turned, his bright eyes meeting mine. In his hand, he held a spatula, making what seemed to be pancakes. Another day Janie, one more before you do it over again. A few more hours, then you could go to bed. At least there he couldn't bother me. Keeping my head down, I felt my hair being pushed back as Brendan traced his hand down my jaw, landing on my neck, delicately brushing over the spot on my collarbone.

"This should have healed by now, it's been days." He wasn't talking to me, more mumbling to himself. His hand stayed where it was, moving back and forth periodically. I reached up and grabbed his wrist, moving away.

"I didn't want this. I still don't." I was quiet, afraid of voicing my thoughts, but my soft words were loud enough for my mate to hear.

He turned my chair so I was facing him instead of staring at the counter. His hands now gripped me by the shoulders, but I still avoided looking at him, even when he gently shook me. His eyes held pain, but he quickly masked it.

"What do you mean?" I shook my head, trying to tell him to forget it, but by the way Brendan was clenching his hands on me, it would not be so easily left alone. My wolf couldn't believe it. I had finally gotten enough courage to stand up for myself and now I was backing down?

"I-I don't know Brendan, it's nothing. I'm fine." He huffed, obviously not believing my poor excuse. He wrenched his hands from me and paced around the kitchen, a vein protruding from his forehead. His breath was coming in short huffs and I could tell he was trying to contain his wolf.

"What the hell do you mean, 'you don't know' Janie? You can't expect me to leave you alone when you say you don't want me." His outburst surprised me, he had been so joyful ever since he marked me, this turn in behavior had my mind spinning. I leaned back in the chair, and kept my gaze down once again. I knew if I looked into his eyes, his wolf would be dominant, and there's no telling what he would do.

"Brendan, it's fine, I didn't say anything so I'm-" He interrupted me once again, his eyes set on my neck. He reached out, trying I to touch me, but I jerked away, the chair making a grating sound on the floor. Tears prickled in my eyes, I was desperate to get out of this conversation. The more I moved away, the angrier he got.

"Is this your way of rejecting me Janie? I didn't do a damn thing wrong. Get your head out of the clouds and come back to reality. I am your mate, and I get it, you had a garbage past, but I-" he paused, "we come before anything else. So stop putting yourself first and be my mate."

Then he grumbled under his breath, "I marked you, get over yourself." I gasped at the last piece he added, enraged that he would take something supposed to be romantic and heart felt, and turn it into a phrase so casual that he would say it to his friend during a baseball game. How dare he twist his words and make it seem like I was the one to blame? Anyone forcing themselves onto another person is the one to blame. Always, no matter the setting or intent, or if you felt the victim wanted it. I didn't have to defend myself to him, he was in the wrong. He should really learn to shut his mouth, he made things so much worse.

As if seeing my anger steaming from my ears, he backtracked desperately, trying to take back his words. How hilarious for him to think he could fix this. He bit me for heavens sake! This isn't a mark, that is a sign of adoration, it's a bite wound getting infected.

"If you would let me explain why I marked you, maybe you wouldn't be so upset about it. I didn't think you would care so much." He was just digging himself into a bigger hole now.

"Just leave Brendan. I don't have to justify my actions and thoughts to you." I saw him slump his shoulders in shame, but I had enough, he was going to pay for hurting me, I was done being a man's rug to wipe his feet on. I was a strong independent woman that was still learning how to live, trying to juggle her baggage and pushing ahead to a new life. I had left once, I'll leave again. Nothing can stop me, not even my poor excuse of a mate.

I will never stop fighting, and while Brendan may be another hurtle for me to handle, I will always jump.

***

I know, I know, my loves, I've been even more MIA since summer started. And to be honest, I don't have an excuse really, I'm just finding myself again, I've been a crappy friend/human and have been putting other things in front of the most supportive and loving systems I've ever had. I will never trade them for the world, and I had to remind myself of that before I could write again. To be honest, I'm not sure I'll ever be done changing and figuring myself out. I just know it's time to get my crap together.

Plus, I've been one lazy sack of potatoes.

Thank you for being patient with me, I love you all, and 10k reads? Insane! I will keep saying this, I would never think I would come this far! And contrary to past events, the next chapter will be out soon;)

-neary17