The Crazy Idea #LGBTQ+

Chapter 1. An Idea.

Tina looked at him as if he were mad. The noise in the London pub from other people around them could have meant she hadn't heard him correctly. She leant on the bar counter to get closer to Jamey. 'Say that again ... did I hear you right?'

'I said, ''I've always wondered what it would be like to dress up as a woman and live life as a woman'', that's all.' He shrugged, but there wasn't any change in his expression, nor any clue as to what he was really thinking.

Tina took a sip of her chardonnay to disguise she needed more time to think about this. 'Are you gay?' She knew Jamey well and would have picked up whether he was gay or not. Although his face had a smoother, softer skin than most men, he'd never displayed any hint of being gay.

'I might have gay leanings. I haven't experienced another man. So I don't know. The problem is, though, I like women ... meaning I like the way they speak, smell ... I like sex with them.'

'I know you like girls ... I've seen you.' She put her hand on his arm. 'I've known you a long time, Jamey, and you can say anything you want and I'm not going to be shocked or judgemental.' She knew if she weren't in a relationship with her boyfriend, she would actually fancy Jamey. His dark hair, parted in the middle, hung over his eyebrows to shade his espresso coloured eyes.

'I'm not ready to admit anything ... It's too risky ... sounds stupid, but these are only thoughts in my mind. Not reality.' He pushed his hand through his hair.

'But ... you just said you want to dress up as a woman ... to see what it's like.' Her words weren't a question because she understood now. 'And if you change your clothes, change your hair, disguise yourself, then–'

'Then I'll get to experience what you, Tina, feel like. Perhaps.' He paused. 'I'm curious. I'd love to try it. You know, it's a fact that our personalities are driven by what we dress in. So, if I dress in smart, expensive, designer clothes, I'll begin to feel and act like I've got plenty of money which will make me feel more confident. Therefore, to dress in female clothes would help me act in a way you women act.'

'I guess, to give yourself the best chance, you need to live the life ... you know ... get up, get dressed, go shopping, do everything as I would do.'

A silence fell between them. Although the chatter of girls and guys around them continued, she blanked them out in favour of her own thoughts. She wondered where and how Jamey would live, in disguise, acting as a female. Maybe he could live with her and her boyfriend. But there wasn't a spare bedroom in their small rented flat.

She couldn't explain straight away why she said, 'We could swap.' Tina surprised herself she'd said that.

Jamey took his time, drank from his beer bottle, and laughed. His laugh was infectious and she noticed the spider web of crease marks either side of his mouth. 'Now it's my turn, Tina, to be surprised.'

'Hang on Jamey. I'm thinking out aloud here.' The revelation hit her. 'I might be bi.' Tina held her hand up to stop him interrupting. 'I had a fling ... well ... I experimented with another girl. In my last year at uni. It was okay.' she nodded her head as she remembered the connection she made with Steph. They'd been out clubbing, had returned to Steph's digs, and fallen into the one bed together. The sex had continued all night. The next morning they had missed their morning lectures in favour of talking about how they felt while they had more sex. 'We enjoyed it. Though I haven't thought about it since. Maybe, just maybe, I'm interested in dressing up as a man. Am I going crazy?'

'Yes.'

They burst out laughing and signalled for some more drinks.

'When I look back at my teen years,' she said, 'I was bit of a tomboy, always trying to keep up with my older brother. I was sort of jealous at all the things he could do, like mend my bike, play football and things. On my bedroom wall, I preferred posters of girls. Mum thought I wanted to emulate them, to be like them ... but in fact, I just fancied them. I remained disconnected from the norm, wired differently.'

Tina wondered about her boyfriend. 'Having lived with Rick for a while, I know he's got an open mind. But me dressing up every day as a man is going to freak him out.'

'The answer is not to live with him. Try it out and live somewhere else.'

'Why is it that guys always have a solution. I'm not saying I'm definitely up for this. I'm still thinking about things.'

'You, Tina, need to live with Cass, she likes you, she'll find it funny to live with someone who's pretending to be a man.'

Tina knew Cass well. A bubbly blonde, long hair, always saw the funny side of things. 'I can just see Cass spluttering over her wine when you tell her.'

'See ... you're coming round to the idea.'

She silently bet Jamey wasn't that confident. There was the small question of whether his girlfriend, Cass, would go along with it.

Jamey continued, 'Actually, I can tell you, Cass thinks you're cool. She says you're on the same wavelength as her.'

They talked about other people they knew, and suspected were gay, both male and female. Jamey made Tina promise not to breathe a word about his gay feelings to anybody else, except to her boyfriend, Rick, if necessary.

Tina wanted to think about her involvement in this idea, so that if she said 'yes', she wanted to feel open about it, more confident that she could deal with her friends who might find out. After all, she said, it was an experiment to see how things were on the other side, to see what being a man was all about. Therefore if she agreed to this idea, to dress as a man, she wouldn't want to keep it secret. She'd be happy for everyone to know she was a woman in man's clothes.

'I need more time, Jamey, to think about this idea.' She wondered if it was her bisexual curiosity that interested her, or if she genuinely wanted to see what being a man felt like.