Random

It Happened Again

"Will you go out with me?"

Those are words that I haven't heard in months. 6 months to be exact. I was scared. I was so scared. I was scared that if I say yes, this will go just like the other one went. With me, heartbroken and him, chasing after another girl that he soon will realize wasn't the one. But, I realized, in that moment of being so terrified of a broken heart, that I can't no longer be afraid of something that is inevitable. I know that he will break my heart, but, I've waited so long for this moment where I can be happy. So, I said yes. A word that is so easy to say, and yet I don't regret it at all.
----4 weeks later------
Its been an amazing four weeks. But, summer is approaching and soon, we will be separated for a good three months, for we are not allowed to see each other (with our parents having religious differences and me being banned from dating till I'm 18.) I was stoked to start off a new school year at the local high school. Well, its the only high school in our small town. So, I need not to worry. There were just two, just two, major issues. One, he is moving away after the winter break of the next school year. And, if I don't behave over the summer, I will be homeschooled. I know that I can behave but, with my mother constantly pressuring me and telling me things repeatly, I felt as though going to the local high school was nothing more than a dream that I will not achieve. I told him this, and with that, he had decided that our relationship status as a couple will be terminated. We promised to be friends. But, our relationship didn't change till that sad and depressing day of Friday. The last day of school till the new school year had arrived. I was heartbroken. I wanted the day to be a normal day. But, it didn't help the situation that he was constantly talking about us seeing each other again in college and my best friend crying. And seeing her cry was like seeing Jesus. Impossible, but yet, it happens. I wanted to just die and get this stupid day over with. Me and him spent every moment we could together. With us, making out in the corner of the school were cameras were sure not to get on film and making detours just to pass each other in the halls, I felt as though every time I saw him, I would never be the same again. And, I am not the same. I have a heart that is so cold, it froze Antarctica. I have an attitude so nasty, New York's sewer rats wouldn't touch me. I changed and I know it wasn't for the better. Funny, how I vowed on my sixth birthday that I would never, in a million years, allow a guy to change me. Yet, he did, without even trying. But, back to that Friday. He was riding the bus that day, and with me riding everyday, it was a special treat for me. We rode the same bus to the elementary, where there, we had to go down our sperate paths. The bus ride was the worse one I have ever been on. No, it wasn't because the roads were as bumpy as a horny toad, for the roads were smooth. No, it wasn't because, there were obnoxious 6th, 7th, and 8th graders that were excited for the summer. For, it was relatively empty. It was the fact that that would have might as well been the last time we saw each other till college (for we promised to go to together). I was crying. It was a horrible cry too. And, I wasn't just crying for myself, I was crying for him too. I knew that he wouldn't cry there because, of that whole comfort thing and pride thing, that he had possessed. We kissed and talked and exchanged mementoes. My memento for him being a letter that I wrote the night before telling about my love for him and how he will never loose me. That, I'm right there with him when ever he needed me. And his for me, a spontaneous decision that left me speechless. It was his #88 Yu-gi-oh card. So, rare and limited edition. For, he was a nerd (as you could have guessed) and wanted me to start a deck of my own yu-gi-oh cards. I was flattered and amazed by his acted of love and self-lessness. We parted ways and, I waited for my best friends to get off there buses and come give me their last goodbyes and hugs. My closest friend gave me a stuffed puppy that is an exact replica of the one she has. That dog has tear stains to this very day. I wanted to just run away at that very moment. I hated myself for putting my peeers that cared under such sadness and grief. I felt like sh*t to be honest. I knew that I had to do something about this, but the answer wouldn't come till later on.
---3 weeks later------
I have been texted him and we are the best of friends. We still tend to flirt and talk about what could have been. He started dating his old girlfriend again. She's a friend of mine and she's perfect for him. She's so beautiful and special and it makes me feel like less of a person. I just want to switch with her so badly. I miss the way hr would talk to me when we were dating. Like, I was the only girl in the entire universe and that he really needed me. I stopped talking to him a few days ago because frankly, I have nothing to talk about anymore. Well, that's not entirely true. I do have things that I want to talk about and I really wish I could, but with the situation that we are in, it would be inappropriate. I hate the fact that he is making another girl happy and is making her feel like a beautiful and smart woman. For those are the feelings that I felt. In the first time in my entire life, I felt..... Wanted. Now, he doesn't need me. He doesn't want me. I wonder if he knows about me thinking about him every day. I try to find things that I can talk to him about but, I know the effort is not worth it. He, as usual, will just give me one worded answers that makes me feel insecure and lousy. So, I talk to his girlfriend instead. Granted that we are still friends, she likes to talk about him. Which, I understand because I would talk about him to my other friends when we were together, but it hurts that she didn't take into account that I used to date him so she doesn't have to give details on how he makes her feel. I felt those things personally. And, it doesn't help that she is confused about some of her personal things that could effect him too. So, all around, I get so scared when I talk to her because, I feel as though she will hurt him again line she did in the past. I never tried to hurt him like the other girls did that he dated. So, why wouldn't he want to try again with me? Is there something wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? I know that it is not healthy to think this way because, last time I thought like this, I reverted back to a time where, I rather not mention. But, I feel so lonely and left out. And, it keeps me wonder whether or not he really cared at all (even though I know he did, for he told me everyday). I wonder if he really loved me at all. (For I know this is true, because he made sure to tell me everyday, at least a hundred times a day. Even at the most random of times.) I am hurt and trying SO hard not to show it. But, I know that the next time I see him, I will let it all out and then, I will have no choice but, face the music and try to move on. For, it is really hard to move on now that I know that I have no idea what he thinks of me anymore. But, as the actor who are so persistent and attached to their work, they say that the show must go on.