Tied To The Past

chapter one

i threw a pillow (the hardest one i had propped against my bed frame) across the room, punching Drena directly in the stomach despite my own hazed vision through the tears that rained down my eyes.

"bloody fucking hell Drena, i already said i'm not going!" I hissed loudly, my dry throat hitching, making my voice merge together in a series of pitiful croaking. I leaned my back onto my bed frame after seeing that Drena had successfully received my pillow attack of anger and annoyance.

"tyler, i know it's hard. I honestly do but-" Drena edged closer towards me slowly with the pillow she was ambushed with tucked in front of her like a shield just in case i would make another unexpected throw. She was not even minding my sudden rage and temper in the least bit. But she didn't get far with her sentence before i screamed through my tears and my smudging mascara. "no, you honestly do not know, don't pretend that you do! You have no clue how it feels to have your boyfriend..." I couldn't bring myself to complete the sentence. I couldn't say it even though i didn't deny it. I choked and closed back my mouth. I knew i was being harsh on my best friend, but whatever, i couldn't care about Drena's feelings when i couldn't even understand my own feelings yet.

i felt black smudge my cheeks but not for long before murky tears washed the color away. My soul felt like it was ripped apart from my own body along with Drew, along with the only guy i had spent my college years stealing kisses, ditching lessons, watching movies and feeding on good food with. I was hating on everything, on Drew for leaving without warning, for Drena who was trying to persuade me into going for his funeral, for myself who couldn't stop crying like a wimp, for the son of a bitch stupid car that had to crash into the only person i had ever loved as such. I felt so weak. I never felt as weak as i did right then. Drew was what kept me persevering through college, what kept me persevering through every rainy day. The source of what made me laugh until my toes tingled and smiled until my gums felt tearable, was gone. Inside of me was nothing more than an empty void, silent and undisturbed. I was just letting my tears pour out, emptying myself even more than i already was. Hollow. It hurt so bad. Inside my heart, inside my brain, inside me. I couldn't even figure out where inside my own self had i kept so many tears. Throughout my years of being with Drew and shedding absolutely no tears and no pain, everything was exploding right into my face now. Stored inside my guts so long until now it finally all got released in a pent up, whirred blur of stinging in my chest and choking in my throat.

Drena saw a fresh flow of tears streaming down my face and she ran forward because she couldn't help herself. She had been my best friend for as long as Drew was my boyfriend and i could sense that it hurt her in strips of guilt and anger that i was right. She didn't know how it felt like. Not at all. Even if my best friend wanted to show compassion to me, she couldn't. Because she didn't know how it felt like. Sure, Drena got her heart broken before. But never in a way where the love that occupied her heart had been snatched away because a fucking car's owner had decided to drive like a bloody idiot and kill some people on the way. Drena ran her arms around me in a tight hug and didn't notice my tears flowing onto her own clothes.

I wanted to talk, to tell my best friend that this weeping, mentally unstable, emotionally breaking down side of me was pitch perfect. But i wasn't. I wasn't okay. Not even close to mere okay. Inside, i was crumbling beneath the invisible weight of my own loss. Outside, i was a bloody hot mess of strangled hair in unidentifiable straggly knots, dripping mascara, wet loose tops, diluted pupils and low tone moaning underneath a heap of pillows balanced on my super single mattress. My head was being a great bitch, churning the contents of my brain, toying with me, flipping my thoughts upside down. I knew that Drew was gone. I really knew. I wasn't stupid enough to think that shaking my head and denying reality would be enough to bring Drew back into my arms right then. I knew Drew was dead but for some reason my head was talking to me, messing with my deplenishing sanity and dragging me to the depth of screaming and instability.

I clinged onto Drena's arm. It had been a week. A week since i had answered the call of Drew's mother wailing that he was gone. Forever. A week since i'd cracked my phone's screen when i'd dropped it during the call. A week since Drena had been staying over to keep me barely alive in the absence of my overseas parents. A week since i didn't eat a proper meal. A week since i hadn't showered. A week since i'd forgotten what real happiness was.

I had woken up that day and spent not just a split moment, but a whole hour thinking that Drew was still alive and well and would call me when he woke. Just like he did every day. It was a little inside thing we had. Drew had called me in the morning one day and i only realised that he had been sleepcalling me when Drew had started asking me how many big juicy watermelons i wanted from the supermarket (which made absolutely no sense at all). Drew being Drew, had pranked me, calling me the next morning again pretending wholeheartedly to be asleep and talking bullshit. Ever since then, i expected Drew's promised wake-up call, expected his voice to motivate me out of bed. The whole fucking truth only hit me when Drena came into my room, casually trying to bring up Drew.

His parents want you at his funeral. To say a speech. To bid him...goodbye.

Everything finally came back to me and bloody achings got conjured up in seconds in every part of my very sore body. The firmly set line of my sealed lips had softened into an open gasp. I remembered how i had screamed then, the sound raw and distinct.

Even if i wanted to, i couldn't go to his funeral. To see everyone dressed in black, to stiffen a melancholy silence, to see a coffin there, to see everyone silently mourning, to not see Drew beside me. Even in the frenzied conditions i was in, i knew that going would be a bad idea. I could imagine myself breaking down in front of everybody else. I couldn't face Drew's parents. It was hard enough crying out my heart alone, it would be harder to look at the parents who looked exactly like Drew while crying. It would be unbearable.

"but Drew would want you there." Drena started, apparently on the mission given to her by herself and she also knew Drew's parents wanted me there. "Drew's dead!" That was the first time i had acknowledged that out loud. That Drew was dead. That Drew wouldn't come back. Drena looked stunned. She bit her lip, keeping quiet. "And he's never coming back." My voice slipped into a whisper. I put my hands over my head, hoping that maybe hitting my brain repeatedly would make it stop hurting, distracting my source of emotional pain by replacing it with physical pain. Drena was flailing her arms about, trying to grab my hands and stop them from destroying my own head.

"Everything's fucked up, Drena." I whispered, not much energy left in her to speak up. I dropped my head into my hands. "but maybe... sending Drew off will un-fuck everything. People say funerals can be good. Helps you let go easier." Drena replied in an equally soft voice, running her fingers up and down my back.

I didn't say anything. Drena knew i was thinking. Thinking hard about it. So she kept quiet and let me think hard. I knew she meant the best for me. And i think i knew which was the best for me.

In this case, it was to go to Drew's funeral.