Tied To The Past

chapter two

if i was in the right mind and in a better state than i was, i would have been unimaginably thankful for Drena.

somehow, somehow, Drena had gotten me to soak in a bathtub, to eat a impromptu Drena's-recipe-made sandwich and dress up in something black and new.

as Drena zipped up my black dress, she cocked her head to the side and i could feel her scanning me up and down as she wondered when other time would she be able to see me in a skirt with a girlish feel. I would have objected to the clothing even though it was frill and flounce free but right then i didn't give a single damn about what i wore. Drew wouldn't be there to look at me anyway.

I let my legs give way into sitting on a chair that was in the view of a full length mirror when Drena used her fingers to push my shoulders down slightly and gingerly. I stared at her face through the glass. Drena had powdered my cheeks and lipsticked my mouth and eyelined my eyebrows but i knew that i still looked very much pathetic under all the makeup. I knew my tiredness of a whole week of sleepless nights could be shown crystal clear, fatigue painted on my smileless face. My eyes were unfocused, spaced out looking far away at God knows what. My head was still throbbing. I wanted to thank Drena for everything but i just couldn't get my mouth to open. It seemed like the only times my mouth would willingly open was when aching crying and wailing was trying to be made audible.

Drena stood me up in my black dress. It was the simplest of the simple. It was black and neither nothing more nor nothing less. It was a dress and neither nothing more nor nothing less. It wasn't ridiculously fancy and it wasn't ridiculously sexy. It didn't flounce out with layers and it didn't clutch my body tightly. It was a mere sleeveless black dress that covered my skin up until my knees. No designs, nothing. Drena kept saying that it was a shame that i refused to wear any skirts of all kinds. Drena enclapsed a silver braided necklace around my neck swiftly and briefly parted my wild hair into place. The only accessories i ever wore were rubber bands and clips and i would have objected to the silver necklace if u wasn't so hollow on the inside. I knew i still looked lifeless, my face wiped of any expression or emotion. Drena sighed at me, and if i were her i would have sighed at me too.

"Ty, you gotta start writing your speech draft. The f- it is in an hour's time and we gotta leave for it on time. We don't wanna be late." Drena had changed too, into black, and was now checking her watch. I had winced sharply when Drena had called it by name just now, funeral, and Drena had probably caught my reaction and knew it had made me uncomfortable. She had changed her use of language and referred to it more vaguely. I don't know what i would do without Drena.

I bit my lip. "i-i don't know if i can give the speech later." Sometime while i was stuttering with my sentence, memories of Drew had surfaced in my aching head and my eyes were moistening, becoming shinier than they had ever been before.

"Ty, it's your last chance to say something dedicated to him. He loved you. He believed in you. Be strong for him. Can you do that?" Drena spoke in short and simple sentences, her voice unwavering. She spoke slowly, as if teaching a preschooler. I knew i should be strong for him. But he was my strength. How could i stay strong when my strength was gone? My throat knotted in dryness, burning up with the desire to cry out. But i shouldn't. I should keep my shit together. I didn't want to break down in front of his parents later.

As I forced my fingers to keep their grasp on my pen, i pushed my way through my speech, writing down the script on paper as i bit down my bitter thoughts and my bitter tears and my bitter aches. As i wrote through about how i had loved him, how he had done me good, there was no use trying to keep my internal wailings inside myself anymore. I had loved and adored and liked every part of him. Drew was a perfect existence, even at the times when we fought and could have shouted at each other like we were going to blow the roof off and glared at each other so intensively as if we could bore holes into each other, i had still undoubtedly loved him in some deep part of my heart. Drew was mine and i was his. And when a fucking car drove over him, it drove over my heart, stamping over it as if killing it the first time wasn't enough. Letting it shatter into uncountable fragile pieces wasn't enough, draining the life out of it afterwards was just perfectly necessary. They took Drew away from me and knowing that he was hurting made me hurt. I would rather have died in his place a thousand times over then have his existence stripped off myself. All those times we had whispered things that made each other smile, all those times we had been sarcastic and cocky and arrogant and playful to each other. I missed all those times so badly. I had him and all those times just a week ago. And just a week after that i had lost everything. I had lost Drew and someway i had lost myself too. Without Drew, i didn't know who i was supposed to be. I was lost. Lost among the lack of him and the lack of myself and the gain of hurt and the gain of pain and the whole of a broken heart and a broken self. I forced all my pain through my script for the speech, forcing my thoughts through the words i wrote. With every full stop of a sentence, i would think and i would let a tear fall, ruining my cheeks' make up but who the fuck cares? Right? I could do very well without make up when there was no Drew to impress, no self to satisfy.

Drena was right, it was my last speech dedicated to Drew, and so i would make it good. It wasn't going to be the normal, usual dedications of how the dead would be missed. It was going to be more than that. It was going to be my true feelings, my true pain, my true thoughts, my true love. I would personally see to it that i made my speech genuine. Just because i am in an epic state doesn't mean that i wouldn't do this properly. Maybe i would break down. Break down for my loss, for all my mourning. But i would say my speech. I would deliver it because whether or not Drew would be able to hear me didn't matter, i would speak up for him. And just maybe, maybe he could hear me if he really wanted to.

I wanted-hell i needed Drew to know that i loved him more than to just sit around and cry about him. I would get up to my two feet and work my ass through my mournings and definitely cry about it but i would pull myself together. I would find who i was supposed to be even without him because Drew wished for my happiness. So i would fulfill his wish. I would never forget him and myself and the harmony that both of us had together and never forget the love that we had shared between ourselves and i wasn't even gonna try to erase him out of my memory. I wanted him to stay as a memory in me no matter how many nightmares he would bring me. I wasn't going to forget him and all of the joy and life he had brought to me throughout the long years we were together.

For him, i would do anything i could.