one decade apart, a lifetime together

twenty-fifth of december, 1999

1999

It's five am on Christmas Eve, the last Christmas Eve of the 1900s, and I'm wide awake, my body perched on my bedroom window ledge. I'm not afraid of heights but I am afraid of a gust of wind blowing me to my sudden death.

The weather is bleak, dismal even, and I'm not surprised in the slightest. The snow is melting now but I still feel the cold coursing through my skin, making me shiver in my tartan pyjamas. It's a tradition; every year I sit here and gaze out my window at the scene before me. Last year it snowed all night – I had to close my window in fear that I'd be able to build a snowman in my room by six.

I hear my father snore in the other room and for a second I cherish the sound. He's never usually here but for Christmas, he makes an exception. I know he and my mother don't love each other anymore, even if they do put on a big show in front of me. I've heard them arguing so much that they can't possibly love each other. And dad always threatens to leave and go to the pub. Which isn't usually a threat.

Dad has to work a lot. And I suppose that's a good thing. Maybe that's why they haven't had time to consider a divorce.

The more I think about my parents divorcing and the inevitability that I'll have to live with my mother, the worse I feel. I don't have anyone I can call or text at this time in the morning, so instead, I open Chatti on the computer I got last Christmas and return to my perch on the window sill.

As I hear that familiar ping, I rush over to my computer to get to work. I prayed it wasn't an immature boy but somebody who was willing to engage in fulfilling conversation until my parents woke up.

gameboy15: Yo, is anyone there?

Of course, the username had boy in it. I was in for a long night.

speedlife15, Yeah, I'm here. Did you copy my username?

gameboy15: No, I don't recall bumping into you on my secret gaming user.

speedlife15: Dammit. Was that not you? You're not gamergirl4ever?

gameboy15: No cos I'm a boy, silly.

speedlife15: Sooooo, since it's Christmas, why are you awake at exactly 4:58?

gameboy15: Can't sleep, in short. Not much else. Don't consider myself a fan of Xmas.

speedlife15: Well... I'm awake because it's my tradition.

gameboy15: I didn't ask? Joking. So your tradition is staying awake all night so there's a chance you'll see Santa??? I hate to break it to you...

speedlife15: Shut up. I'm 15. I'm not a child. And I woke up at 4:30.

Gameboy15: Oh god... you woke up? So that means you've already slept.

speedlife15: Genius

gameboy15: Of course, I am, thanks for noticing. But seriously, you do know that Santa isn't real, right?

speedlife15: Yes I do! How many times do I have to tell you I'm FIFTEEN. Speaking of age, how old are you?

gameboy15: My username kinda gave that away. Same with yours. Sorry to burst your bubble, genius.

speedlife15: OK, so you're supposedly 15 too.

gameboy15: Supposedly?

speedlife15: Yes. Don't trust strangers on the internet, remember.