Yay first bf, I'm not single any more.
At the start of the relationship with my first bf everything was fine and all, I felt like I was actually pretty. But after a week I felt like he just wants to get with my friend. She was weak and couldn't stand up for herself so I was the one who helped her.
I was weak too but I didn't cry and tell my mum I was bullied like she was, I wasn't being bullied by someone else bc I was doing it to my self. After a month of hating my self and acting to be happy I cut for the first time. It felt so good, in a bad way. I wanted to cut more but I didn't want my parents to know. I didn't tell anyone. I was trying to be smart and cut my upper thigh. No one knew, I cut with a steak knife that I now keep under my bed at my dad's house.
My mum and dad broke up a long time ago but I wasn't sad at all, but being with- let's call him Alex. Alex was always loving and all but I knew he didn't like me.
I'm too ugly.
I'm fat.
My face is a zit kingdom.
I have an ugly dimple chin.
Ugly boobs.
Ugly feet.
Ugly curve!
I hate how I look. I really do. After 3 months I told my close friends but not Alex, they helped me out. After 2 months I stopped cutting, I hated it! It was like quitting smoking. It's been a year in the relationship with Alex and he still acted the same. But I decided to back away a little, soon after I stopped eating a lot.
I got really skinny, damn I was happy. But still didn't want to look at my face. I was a XX small in adult clothing. And I was a size A in bra size, I didn't care. By the second year of hell with Alex I cut again on my thigh, the slightest thing set me off. I hate myself.
school started again so I tried to but on some pounds. I never bothered to try to help myself of even pay attention to myself. All I did was act about loving him, watching anime and theater. I love theater and I want a fine arts degree. But I know I won't. I'm to dumb. I'm not smart. After another few months we broke up, knowing that I'm lonely only made things worse.
Cut.
Cut more.
End it.
It's not hard to die.
No one will care.
END IT!
That's all I thought. I still want to die. By the middle of the school year I tried to kill myself but something stopped me. Idk what but that's why I'm here, weird right? Why should I be here? I think it's bc I'm to scared but what is there to live for? I stopped cutting again and talked with a friend. She is the only person I trust. After the school year I started to realize something. Maybe if I District my self I'll stop thinking about wanting to die. I was reckless and started to make out with a guy I barely know at the side of school where the park is. I wanted all the pain to go away so I let him do more but I stopped myself and went home, in the bathroom. And cut. The blood didn't stop on my thigh so I took a shower. I cried and laid there in the shower for a hour.
Summer went by fast and school started again. It felt like my first year with out someone there for me. All alone. But after two weeks my friend and I decided to date but it didn't work out, we're still friends. By the end of the year this asshole, I'm going to call him Lee. Lee is some tall black kid that some how got me to date him. I'm still with him. Even though I'm happy and all I still cut. On the last day of school I had sex with him. Tbh, IT HURT LIKE HELL! He saw the cuts. He didn't care. He wanted to help me. I love him. But I'm to weak. I can't live here. I'm going to end it someday but not now. I want to see what will happen, still my parents know nothing about any of this, and I want to keep it that way. Next school year I'm going to ask for help to my theater teacher, she is the only teacher I can talk to and ik I'll have her next year. She is the best teacher I've ever had. I just hope even though I'll tell her lot her if she'll tell my mum. I don't want her to worry even though she won't.
I still think all the same things but not as strong, ik how I'm going to die bc I'm the one who will end it. I love the ones who still love me though all the marking are there. I'm sorry I cut, but my lover doesn't care. He loves me still. He wants me to stop but how can I? It's so hard to stop. I need help Ik. But just not now. Bc maybe I'll stop everything! Maybe I'll just end it. If I stop writing ever and I don't ever come back you'll know why. I'm sorry.
Plz, don't do what I am doing I put myself in a hole that I can't get out, and my trust issues keep weakening but come back. Don't cut. It's not the right thing to do, it's like putting yourself in a never ending ditch. Only way to end it is to die. Will that's what my mind thinks. Don't listen to me XD I'm crying from writing this, I'm sorry if I made you cry *hugs*.
Bye my loves and live your life!
