The Story of Master E

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I will hope to explain my thoughts on here as well. For me we will have to go farther back to about when I was 5.  Next to my house there is a small cottage because we live on the water. Back then there was grandfather that owned that cottage and some times brought his family up with him. I used to play with his granddaughter named AP (for short). AP and I used to spend a lot of time together when she was up here. But things changed when I went into school and the seperation of boys hating and being mean to girls happened. Well, with that I started to kind of be a dick towards he and antagonize her. Then i believe it was on the 4th of July that we had a hammock and I wanted to take it so that AP and my younger sister couldn't use it. Well then it turned into a fight and ended with her kicking me as hard as she could in my stomach knocking the wind out of me and hurt me. I started to cry and ran up into my room and locked the door, just sitting in there while the party was happening outside. During this time the only things in my head were hate and rage. I wanted to get even but I know that I couldn't do it. After a while my mom came up to my room to get me seeing how that I was gone for a while. After she left my mind was set, I would get my revenge. I ran out as fast as i could straight up to her and punched her as hard as I could in her stomach (eye for an eye). I don't remember this part well but I think she fell to the ground and got up crying and ran to her grandpa and her family. I went back inside toatally crushed, That was the day i promised to never hit anyone ever again. 

Then I will have to jump into 6th grade when my own grandpa was dying of cancer, we had to move him into a nursing home with 24 hour care so that they could keep an eye on him. I remember my mom spending a lot of time there ( it was her dad). I could never spend more than 3 minutes in the same room as him. Just seeing him there on his bed eyes closed and mouth gaping, I just couldnt take it. I walked out of the room and just watched cartoons in the main lounge area of the building. when he passed i remember being woken up at 2:32 am by my Dad, telling me that he died and that we were getting out of bed to see his body one last time. So we got dressed and saw him. Yet again I couldnt be in that room for more than 3 minutes. This is when I gained my fear of death and loss. 

During while all this happend I was beat up in school by my ex-"best friend" from kindergartden This is when I decided to never trust anyone. The move from grade to middle school was really hard, i went from an outgoing student with lots of friends to a student almost failing every class every year and a few friends I never opened up with. This is the time when I mom put me in counseling and anti-depressant meds. I hated them all I just couldnt do it. It made me feel weird, I was laughing at things I didnt find funny because of the meds. It was like I was living a lie, I believe this made my depression worse. I got off the meds and left therapy/ counceling. I skated by Highschool still with mostly Cs and thinking of ending my life everyday if not multipule times. 

I went to my school guidance counceler because I was called down to the office because my mom emailed her wondering how I was doing, I onl opened up after having her promise me that she would never tell my mom anything we talk about. This was I lie, that I found out when I went through my moms email. ( She left it open on our home computer). I closed back up and wouldnt talk to her again. My mom tried a 3rd therapist but this time I was prepared, I was experienced in telling them what they wanted to hear and I led her on a wild goose chase and never sortted my problems out. Jump to September of last year (before I met you) my phone broke and that was the straw that broke the camels back and I had a breakdown at home and cried a lot. I went down stairs and told my mom that I needed to be on anti-depressants again. Things have been up from then I guess. Idk.