I'm not okay, but I'll manage

Entry #1

PLEASE, PROCEED WITH CAUTION, THIS MAY INDUCE: PANIC ATTACKS, ANXIETY ATTACKS, DEPRESSION, AND OTHER MENTAL/PHYSICAL PANIC INDUCED STATES.  I myself suffer from panic attacks, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and manic episodes- I know how difficult they are to go at alone, so if you continue reading; please be careful.

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What happened: panic attack while in a state Self-Hate and mental/emotionally instability.

I have had moments where I completely shut down,

When I have cried in front of someone who thought that I was the strongest person in the world.

I have been through moments in my life that have made me into the beautifully crafted mess that I am now.

But this doesn't mean that I still don't have moments where I question my entire existence

There is not one second of the day that I feel powerful- because every single moment I am powerless.

My mind is always stronger than myself.

My thoughts are more powerful than any drug,

I cannot help but be consumed by those deep, dark and downright terrifying thoughts that manage to destroy every powerful thought I can create.

As a person who is going through depression and anxiety, I have no choice.

I have tried to fight them-

I have always tried to fight the demons that consume every corner of my mind.

My family had never seen me at my weakest, I had hoped my mother surely would never have to see her own daughter crumble over something that others would think as such a silly thing to fret over.

But my fear came true, and every prevention I created was destroyed. All because of a stupid 5x3 dressing room mirror.

I cried

In front of a person I had tried to be so strong for, I didn't just cry- I completely fell of my highest pedestal.

Even then I still walked away with little to no help on how to handle what my mind was putting me through, I thought that I would received the same answer as I always do, the usual "I don't understand,"

Instead what I got was a story, one that helps me somewhat hold my head slightly higher than I used to.

"Unfortunately, depression is something that runs in our family- I remember when I was in college that I thought I was overweight, a size 8 which was skinny compared to what I am now. I didn't listen and I thought that I was fat all the time, no look- years later and a little less than twice my size from college- I didn't cherish what I used to have- so i ended up losing myself. I look back now and think 'how could I be so blind'"

I learned that it isn't until you have wandered far from your original path that you realize you've become lost.

But somehow even with this knowledge, I am still lost.

Still struggling to conquer the demons that attack me every day and night,

I consider myself a walking, and barely breathing mess of a person that never seems to understand that 'sure the world's a mess but you can still make it'

Instead my mind goes 'yeah the world's a mess, sure go ahead and think that somehow you can survive it. Kid you don't realize how wrong you are about everything you just thought."

To my mother: I am sorry I was not stronger and that the darkness overpowered the light- but in the days following this I grew stronger. I was able to beat that demon and reach my ray of light. Mommy, I want you to know I made it out of the darkness, but I still have a long way to go and I will need your help along the way.