Beauty of Every Beginning

Part Two

Natalie

All of my previous imaginings on how she would say it are flushed out of my mind. I always considered the thought of Sadie falling in love with me, although it never occurred to me that I might do the same. So, when she says she loves me it takes me a minute to register what she said. And then, when my brain does decide to function, all I'm wondering about is if I feel the same. Do I love Sadie Morgan?

After that my mind is confronted with a thousand mini-thoughts. Would I change my name when we get married or would she? Could I be Natalie Morgan...? Could she be Sadie Williams...? Who would even propose?

"Natalie," she begins. "I..." Then she stops, looking away from me in shame.

I snap out of the parade of impending thoughts and for once I really look at her. I spot the outlines of her contacts around her irises, I see the indent on her perfect lips from biting too hard, I see the faded scar above her eyebrow... Then, I decide I really enjoy looking at Sadie. When I decide this, my lips curve into an unintentional smile. She looks back up at my curiously through her long, black lashes.

"It's okay, Sadie." I say, her name sounding so sweet on my tongue.

"Okay." She says. She sighs contently as I rest my head back onto her chest. "What does this mean then?"

"It doesn't mean anything." I answer calmly. She nods, her chin poking the top of my head.

I only lay with her the time it takes for my heart to slow back to its regular speed and my mind to clear. I get dressed quickly before I let myself out without another word.

In the car, I laugh at how stupid I was. I'm obviously not in love with her, how could I be? We're so different after all. She's an artist. Her life revolves around music, painting, and any other kind of art she can get her hands on. I'm different, I'm a prep. As much as I hate titles, it's true. She doesn't come to the football games and I don't go to the drama productions. That's just the way it is.

Even though the undoubtable truth has dawned on me, I still find myself driving in the opposite direction of my house. Instead of going home, I drive to the park. No one is there so I get out of my car and I sit on the swings. At first I just sit there, but then I rock gently back and forth. I'm not sure why I cry, but I do. Warm streams of tears flow down my cheeks and I struggle to wipe them away with my shaker hands.

I try to reason with myself. I'm under a lot of stress, maybe my period is coming, anything to keep the illogical logical. The only thing that sounds half true is that I want to love somebody. Truly, deeply, the way I imagine everyone wants to be loved. I want to love somebody... I want to love Sadie Morgan.

...but I can't.

When the sun finally begins to set, I get back into my car and drive home. I avoid my parents and they avoid me. "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment! I'm sorry!" I had yelled at them earlier. I wasn't sorry and I'm not sorry now. They have Emma, she can be their perfect child. I'll settle for second place. I'll settle for almost.

Is that what I'm doing now? Almost loving Sadie? It's just second nature to me. It's all I know.

I thought that when Emma graduated last year that I could stop coming in second place, that I could stop trying to come in any place. "Maybe I can be me." I said to myself. What a joke that was. This is me, second place is me.

I don't bother putting my pyjamas on. I just fling my bra off through my sleeve and crawl under my mountain of blankets. I fall asleep early, finding the dream I prayed for all day long.

It's dusk, Sadie is wearing her brown-transparent glasses instead of her contacts like she normally does. I like it when she wears her glasses cuz I know she's self-conscious about them... It makes me feel like she's comfortable with me.

She's a few inches taller than me while we stand barefoot in the grass so I have to pull her down to meet me when I want to kiss her. I push myself upward on my tip-toes as I grasp the collar of her blue and green plaid shirt. She just kinda laughs quietly at all my efforts. "Kiss me already." I mutter with a smirk.

She does as she's told, bending down a little so her lips meet mine. The kiss is shallow and too short. It leaves me wanting more, biting the inside of my lip where her tongue once roamed. She begins walking away from me with a devious smile on her face. "Come back here and love me!" I pout.

She doesn't say anything. Instead, she picks up her pace. I race after her, tackling her to the ground when she resists my pleads. We're both giggling like fools as I sit up beside her. Courageously, I force her legs down and closed so I can sit on top of her.

Sadie reaches her hand to grab my ass but I slap it teasingly, biting my lip before bending down to kiss her. I tear at her shirt, desperate to feel her warm skin. She groans and her hips shift underneath me so I kiss deeper, giving into her silent pleads.

I open her legs, rubbing all way down the inside of her thighs and into her shorts. "Take it off. Take it all off." She groans. I quickly pull down her shorts and fling them to the side.

I leave one of her legs straight but I push the other upward, leaving a perfect little spot for me to fit into. She pushes my short skirt upward so I can feel her warmth against me. She lets out a gasp as I begin twisting and grinding against her. I take her nice and slow until she's sick of my teasing and flips me over.

She pulls my hands up above my head and tells me to keep them there. She tears my lace panties with her fingers in one swift pull, gaining access to my soaked opening. She dips her fingers in, twists them a little, and then pulls out. Over and over she pounds me as her lips roam my chest, leaving marks, claiming me as hers.

Suddenly, I wake up shaking. I'm panting as I shake, aching from the climax. I press my open palm against my sweet spot, my hips instantly react. It takes everything in me not to moan as I whip off my clothes before falling back to sleep completely naked, too tired to dream about anything at all.

I spot her in the hallways at lunch break and when our eyes meet I give her a big smile. She smiles back, warming my heart. I walk over to her, a smile still plastered on my face. "What are you doing for lunch?" I ask her.

"What are you asking me?" She raises one of her perfect eyebrows.

"What are you doing for lunch?" I repeat with a smirk.

"Probably eating." She responds with a small laugh.

I fake a shocked expression. "Oh my god! No way! Same, let's have lunch." I loop my arm through hers and pull her to the left.

"But April is waiting for me." She protests.

I roll my eyes. "Come on, baby. Please." I stick my bottom lip out, giving her my cute pouty face.

We sit under the oak tree in the courtyard, nibbling on the food I bought for us. "What are we doing right now?" She asks.

"Eating." I answer but she knows what I mean.

I'm not sure what we're doing. I'm not sure what we're going to do. It doesn't matter. I like it right now, I don't want to mess that up. When I'm with her I fell like I'm in first place.

"I don't love you..." I begin, which hurts her more than I thought it would. I quickly add, "but I don't not love you..."

She looks at me curiously, I can see on her face she's in deep thought. "I don't not love you too, Natalie."

I raise a finger in protest. "That being said, you're my bitch and I claim you."

Her eyes widen in shock before she laughs. "Do I get to claim you too?" She asks, still laughing.

"Sure." I agree lightly.

We sit for as long as we can until the bell rings. I watch as the breeze tosses loose strands of hair on her neck. I study the way her dimples curve inward when she actually, truly laughs. I appreciate the way she blushes when she realizes I'm looking at her before she gazes back at me like I'm the only person in the world she wants to be with. And when I extend my hand toward her to help her up, I enjoy the way my name sounds on her lips.

It's not forever, I tell myself. But I don't mind.