I still remember the first time I met you. What if I didn't try to kill myself? What if you didn't see me standing on the edge of the hospital's rooftop that day? Mag-iiba ba ang lahat?
"Puro sakit na lang ng ulo ang binibigay mo sa akin!!" sigaw ng stepfather ko sa akin. Nagpanggap akong walang naririnig.
In that case, sana hinayaan niya na lang ako mamatay. He brought me on the hospital because I cut my wrist again. After my mother died, everything changed. My stepfather who was once kind and gentle, became a monster. Laging umiinom at nagsusugal. Hindi pa naman umaabot sa puntong sinasaktan niya ako pero binabato niya ako lagi ng masasakit na salita, and it gets to me. Hindi na ako makaiyak. Matagal nang tuyo ang mga luha ko.
Life has no meaning at all. It's like a huge black whole swallowing me little by little.
"Ikaw bata ka! Ilang beses ko bang sasabihing tigilan mo na yang mga kalokohan mo! Purwisyo ka sa buhay ko!" sigaw niya ulit. Pinapalabas na siya ng mga nurse sa kwarto pero tuloy pa rin siya sa pagsigaw.
"BAKIT BA KASI HINDI MO NA LANG AKO HAYAANG MAMATAY? DI BA YUN NAMAN ANG GUSTO MO?!" napuno na ako.
Nagulat na lang ako nang bigla niya akong sinampal.
"Sana nga.. ikaw na lang ang namatay at hindi ang nanay mo!" nanginginig niyang sabi.
Tinanggal ko ang mga nakakabit sa katawan ko at nagtatatakbo palabas ng hospital room. Kailangan niya ba laging ipamukha sa akin na ako ang dahilan kung bakit namatay si Mama? I was stupid that day. Sarili ko lang ang iniisip ko kaya nangyari yun. I was still angry at her for marrying another man kaya naman naglayas ako. Nabalitaan ko na lang na nabangga ang sinasakyan niyang jeep when she went out to look for me. I can still remember the last smile she gave me before she gave up her life on the hospital.
I am fascinated by the thought of death. Araw-araw simula nun, iniisip ko kung pano ko puputulin ang buhay ko. Everything seems so meaningless. My mother died, my stepfather loathes me, and my friends left me.
"What are you doing?!" pinigilan ako ng isang hindi ko kilalang lalaki mula sa pagtalon ko sa rooftop. "I went up here to see a beautiful view and not to see your suicidal act miss, pwede bang ipagpaliban mo na lang yan sa ibang araw?" sabi niya.
I looked at him with my blank face.
"Ikaw naman, di ka na mabiro. Don't do that again okay?"
"Why do you care?" tanong ko.
"You know, you're reducing the possibilities of your future getting better." sabi niya.
"Future? Paano kung sabihin kong wala ako nun? Palibhasa perperkto ang buhay mo kaya mo sinasabi yan!" People always say beautiful words but that is, because they experienced a perfect life and they don't even know what it feels like... to be dead inside.
He didn't say anything, he just smiled at me. The only thing I know is that there is something behind that smile. May nasabi ba akong mali?
