how much

#02

it's been so long since he left me but i just can't get him out of my head. i get distracted easily which is usually a good thing , but that could mean i could get distracted by something and think of him instead. i don't want to , i want to be over it already. like i always do. the heartless bitch who only cries over the same once, never twice and god forbid thrice.

but hey , i'm still young , so why have i cried over two guys for more than a month? first would be GUY A, we'll call him.. Jay. he was my crush of two years, would you believe that?

there was a time it seemed like hey, he liked me too! but then i think we kinda dragged it out too long, and our feelings kinda stretched out and got worn. it was safe to admit we weren't a blushing mess around each other anymore, but i knew i still liked him since my heart did somersaults whenever i saw him. not anymore, though. over and done. he rejected me after saying and doing nothing for so long, and so i cried myself to sleep for a whole week and denied the fact that he disliked me since he would stare at me often. i tried to avoid as much contact as possible though. up till now, i know he stares at me when i get in his field of vision, and i honestly don't feel a thing except for 'what the fuck you could've stared at me that intensely back then amirite'

but hey, it's whatever.

GUY B was someone i had crushed on before, only for a short time, like a month? we'll name him Ian. now Ian had always made me feel something, like that guy/girl that you just can't help but crave something from him/her. that thing came from no one else except that person, and fuck it was great whenever you got to speak to them. in my first year that i knew him, we were seated next to each other and we got pretty close, i guess. but he was dating my close friend so no, but i liked his vibe so i just stayed good friends with him. then we were seperated, but damn, when we changed seats again, he was in front of me.

good motherfucking luck, right?

no.

he liked sitting with his friends so he never really sat in front of me, except when strict teachers came and we had to be in our original seats. we sound like kids oh god.

anyway,

second year was

the highlight of our relationship, you could say.

camp. we had camp. he was the leader and i was in his group. we talked often since we were closest between guys and girls, and there was my friend.. we'll call her Sam. Sam was close to the guys but she seemed pretty out of it during camp. so i was lowkey glad because it was my chance. during breakfast and lunch, we sat at our designated tables and god bless he sat in front of me.

fuCK YEAH

but no, it was gross. they ate messily and never cleaned up after themselves so our tables looked and smelled like shit. i went to sit with the other girls i was close with from the other group, and no one said anything so i continued, but if it was clean or had space, i'd jump at the chance to sit with him and his friends.

in games and activities, nothing much happened i guess ? but i'm just glad i got to see him everyday for three days straight.

then, starting from April till 21st May, we were really fucking close, like best friend close. sisterhood i would say, although he's a guy. 3 days before my birthday, he had confessed and gOD FUCKING DAMN I WAS SO HAPPY BUT IT WAS SO AWKWARD BETWEEN US BECAUSE ONE OF US KNOWS THE OTHER HAS FEELINGS AND SHIT BUT DAMNNNN HEAVEN WAS SMILING DOWN ON ME SO HARD.

22nd May, i accepted. we were official. finally the guy that i've craved for was mine. we hugged, we held hands, we went on dates like a normal couple, but in secret. we both admitted we didn't want anyone knowing except really close friends so it went that way for a long time. i bet people suspected us because we'd meet in the morning before we had morning assembly so you can't deny the fact that two people, both best friends, sneak off at the same time and reappear around the same time, aren't dating.

it was a dumb move but it was like coffee in the morning for the both of us. or, for me at least. sometimes after school, we'd meet too, and we could stay together for ages, in the same spot, doing the same things. i had strict parents so i had to be home before 8, so i'd stay with him till 7, and then we'd go home. we take the same route most of the time, so he'd walk me home sometimes. it was nice, really nice. i loved it.

and the holidays, of course. a long break from hell aka school. was it not seeing each other that made him want to split? the lack of communication because we were both busy? the short replies we shared because we were both tired? the lack of topics to talk about because nothing too interesting was happening? fuck, i don't know but i want to know.

or did he just not want me anymore ?