White Rabbit - A Criminal Minds Fic

Seventeen

Spencer Reid's apartment was everything Alice had imagined it to be. Neat and tidy, with everything well organised. Bookshelves completely lined one wall and Alice knew that if she moved a book, he'd be able to tell instantly which one it was. It was cosy though, homely.

"I like it here. " She announced, standing in the middle of the room.

"Erm, thanks. You have a nice apartment too, Ally."

"Yeah but it's not mine. Ellen controls what I do with it. This is yours, it matches your personality. It feels like you."

Spencer had watched her as she'd walked into his home, her eyes quickly scanning the apartment and clocking the doors and exits. She'd walked over to his books now and was skimming through his collection, running her hands over the spines.

"You read a lot, right?"

Spencer nodded.

"That's what I missed most when I was at the compound. They had a collection of books there and Charlie would bring me stuff from his trips into town, but it was never enough. I could have happily sat and read all day when I was younger, immersing myself in worlds so much different from this one. Now though... Now I don't enjoy it as much. At least not fiction. I can't lose myself anymore."

"Because of the things you've experienced right. I understand it. In this job, you see a lot of things and I used to enjoy being able to lose myself in a fictional universe but now.... Sometimes it doesn't seem right. So aside from the classics and some series I can't seem to stay away from, I tend to stick to fact based books too. Essays and such."

Ally bent down to where he had his series stored and she pulled the last Harry Potter book from the shelf.

"I never even managed to to finish these. And I adored these books."

"Take it then, by all means. I know the stories off by heart anyway. They're all stored up here. One of the perks of having an eidetic memory. Being able to remember everything I've read."

"I imagine that also has its downfalls."

Reid nodded again "It does. But anyway, if you want the books, take them."

"I can't. Maybe when this is all over I'll buy them and read them from the start."

"Alright. Well, give me about thirty minutes. I want a quick shower and I need to get some a change of clothes and some things."

...

The rest of the evening was intense and awkward. Spencer and Alice returned back to the Manchester's home to find that Ellen had prepared a meal for the four of them, much to Alice's dismay. She'd hoped to be able to slope straight off to her apartment as it was approaching 8pm by the time they'd returned, but her sister wasn't having any of it.

Alice knew it was because Ellen wanted her questions answering but she couldn't. She just... didn't want to talk about it with anyone who she didn't have to. Every time Ellen started to ask, Alice would just tell her "No".

"Alice, stop being awkward. We have a right to know." Ellen finally burst out, scowling at her younger sibling.

"You really don't. You don't have a right to know anything that happened because it didn't happen to you, it happened to me."

"I have every right to know. You were placed into my care when you were younger, and you've been living in my house since you returned. I deserve to know what sort of fucked up business you were involved in."

Alice shook her head and mirrored her sisters scowl. "I was placed into your care alright. And look what happened, I ran away because the care was so great. Trust me Ellie, if I'd have had any other choice when I came back, then I wouldn't have been here. Why don't you ask what you really want to know, I can almost hear the question slipping from your mouth anyway. So ask it. Stop pussy footing around it."

The girl was almost spitting with anger and Spencer couldn't believe how different and yet similar the two sisters were.

Alice had stood up now, her knife and fork clattering to the plate. Across the table, Ellen copied her, the girls standing off against each other.

"Ellie sit down." Robert tugged on his wife's arm but she shook him off.

"No. She's right, I wanna know. We didn't get to hear what was said this afternoon, so I don't know what other revelations we've missed, but I need to know this now. You were with them for nearly five years. They killed people. Did you?!?"

Robert sucked in his breath, averting his eyes from his wife and to Alice.

"You don't have to answer that Alice. It doesn't make a difference. We love you either way, you don't have to answer."

Spencer looked up at the young girl, her shoulders heaving as she tried to control her breathing. Her face was flushed and her fists were clenched at her sides. She was almost shaking. Alice looked between her brother in law and her sister, trying to breathe deeply, to get a hold of herself as she tried to answer the one question she'd been terrified of being asked but knew that she inevitably would be.

"Robert, be quiet. For once, take my side here. I want to know. Did. You. Kill. Anyone?"

"I DON'T KNOW ALRIGHT! I DON'T KNOW."

Alice kicked her chair back and bolted from the room as Ellen burst into frustrated tears. Robert looked up at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of the house, to Alice storming through it.

"Guest bedroom. Top of the stairs and turn right. It's opposite the bathroom. You might not see her at first, she'll be behind the closet door."

Spencer thanked Robert and then quickly followed his instructions, taking the the stairs two at a time and finding the door to the guest room. Robert was right, he couldn't see her.

But he could hear breathing. The closet door was open and folded back on itself, moonlight streaming in through the open drapes, the only light in the room.

"Ally, I'm going to come in and close the door. I won't turn the light on." He did as he said and shut the door behind him quietly, letting his eyes adjust to the dimly lit room.

"I'm walking across the room to the closet door okay." He padded quietly, passing the bed and then sinking to his knees when he reached the door. He didn't pull it back entirely, but instead slotted himself in next to her, seeing Alice with her knees drawn up against her face and her head resting on them. Her breathing was ragged and he could hear her beginning to choke on the air.

"Ally... Ally, look at me. Please, raise your head and look at me" he soothed, twisting his body so he was facing her in the small space.

She raised her head, her cheeks still flushed and her hair tangled over her face. She shove it back quickly, and Spencer saw the tears glistening on her face. She was beginning to hyperventilate.

"Look at me Ally, breathe slowly. In and out. Focus on my eyes and copy me. In and out... In... and out... "

Alice locked eyes with Reid and he tried to ignore the terror in them, the sheer uncertainty.

"In..... and out, Alice. Come on. You can do this."

She slowly started to mirror his breathing, her green eyes fixed upon his. After a good three minutes or so and Spencer was starting to feel light headed himself from breathing so deeply, but she appeared to have gotten it under control. Her cheeks were paling slightly, returning back to their normal colour and she sat upright, resting her back and head against the wall.

"Sorry " she rasped out, her voice slightly hoarse.

"It's okay. You've relived a lot a memories over the past two days. You're doing some incredible well though Alice, you need to know that. So well."

She closed her eyes and sat there in silence, not responding but gathering her thoughts and senses back together. Spencer let her, readjusting himself next to her but being very careful not to touch her, he didn't want to startle her. It was a lot to go through and he felt terrible for her that she'd kept all of this locked away for so long. He felt even worse knowing that they were going to have to dig deeper to proceed with this case.

"I don't know if I killed anyone. How can I not know?"

"You don't have to talk about it now" he told her, his voice low and calm again.

"I do. I have to."