You're so beautiful. So very beautiful. You take up a lot of my thoughts at night when I reflect on my day and how we spend most of our time together arguing spewing mean comments to each other but I always say the worst. I know how to get under people's skin when I want to or need to. But that's not right your still a kid and I'm hurting you and I hate myself for what I do to you. I don't mean it! I swear it! I LOVE YOU! With every bit of me you're my baby sister and I could never intentionally hurt you. I know how to hurt people with words and I know exactly how to hit those nerves. You, you crawl underneath people make there skin flush red with anger, you do. And you fill me with rage to the point my ears and face, arms and stomach feel like an inferno. I don't think we're good to be around each other. We bring out the worst in each other and just at the tender age of 9 I hurt you and I hate myself. I Never tell you but I love you very much. I don't hug you and every time you try I just push you away. Which is weird for me because I love touch but I can't help it, it's my first reaction, instinct. I'm so sorry for the pain I cause you. For the trauma I know I'm causing but can't help to stop. I try. Believe me I do but there's something about you. Since before you were even born. I remember when I was six and you were still in mommas belly she found me in the bathroom crying. She asked me what was wrong as I sobbed into the tiled floors. I gasped trying to catch my breath so I could speak properly. It felt like years until I was finally able to catch my breath and when I finally could I pleaded and pleaded for her not to forget about me. I remember feeling my heart wrenching and I couldn't help but feel I was losing my mommy to a baby and her boyfriend. She told me she could never forget me, that I was her baby, her first born and that calmed me for a bit but it didn't erase the fear. Maybe I'm just jealous of you. Silly right, I'm jealous of a nine year old but I am. You're beautiful and smart and passionate. You have a dad. You have a dad. You have a dad and I didn't. You're loved and cherished. You're allowed to explore. You have people who stand up for you, you have me even though you don't know it. You are finding yourself and
I'm barely there.
I love you
