The Ed Who Played with Fire

Keep Your Hands Off My Ed

BASH! The human battering ram burst through the heavily fortified door to Eddy's brother's room. Ed skidded to a stop in the middle of the room and resembled bold Lothar the Berserker. Eddy's brother, who was running his hands across Double D's body, looked up in confusion as splinters from the door rained down. Double D's face was buried in his hands, but when he looked up to see Ed standing tall and bold and Eddy appearing where the door had been, Double D brushed aside his guilt and was relieved to see his pals. Though he wished that they couldn't see him just yet.

Eddy's brother gulped down the rest of his beer and sneered at Ed and Eddy. "So, you guys here for more?" said Eddy's brother, using the remote on his keychain to pop open his car's trunk, revealing a grand collection of magazines. "Grab whatcha need... for a nominal fee," Eddy's brother sighed, running a hand up Double D's bare thigh. His tear-stained face going scarlet, Double D grabbed for his sleeper to cover himself.

"Not interested," snarled Eddy, emphatically. "Let 'im go."

"Too late, Pipsqueak. I been havin' some fun with your girlfriend here. I've had better, but I gotta say you found yourself a little freak." Eddy's brother made a move to touch Double D again.

Eddy dashed for the edge of the bed until his face was up against his brother's. He definitely did not feel as small as he was. "Touch him and I'll..."

"You'll what?" taunted his brother.

Before he could think twice, Eddy slugged his brother in the chin. "Motherfucker!" bellowed Eddy's brother, reeling in shock more than pain. Eddy had stood up to him once. It was unbelievable to him that Eddy would have the balls to do it twice. Eddy's brother sat up and rubbed his jaw. Double D held a hand up to his mouth to cover a hint of a smile. Glaring back and Ed and Eddy, Eddy's brother growled, "So this is how we're playin'. Fine." Eddy's brother dug his nails into the back of Double D's neck and heaved him onto the floor. "There's your little slut back. Now we're even."

"Not quite," Eddy seethed, grasping his brother's tee shirt.

Ed grabbed hold, too. His big hands were more powerful than Eddy's brother expected. But the one-time dictator of the cul-de-sac was shaken when Ed jumped up, his feet landing on Eddy's brother's stomach. With the wind knocked out of Eddy's brother, Ed grasped the man's sideburns, and blared as loudly as he could, "HORRIBLE FATE!"

Even though Ed's mind worked in mysterious ways, Eddy and Double D knew that one thing was certain. If the normally affable Ed's rage was triggered, the instigator was really in for it. Ed's morning breath combined with the force of the yell was enough to paralyze Eddy's brother. Ed ripped open Eddy's brother's tee shirt, although in his eyes, he was disemboweling a zombie. Ed then administered the fiercest purple nurples he could, just as he learned from the Kanker sisters – the hard way.

While Ed scuffled with Eddy's brother, whose shock was wearing off and who was now fighting to peel Ed away, Eddy climbed aboard the heater to reach his brother's prized possessions on the high shelf. His hand brushed against the clumsily taped gold trophy. Eddy grabbed the trophy and crept up behind the bed. Eddy's brother got an arm free from Ed and picked up the empty beer bottle, plotting to split Ed's skull with it. Before he could, Ed sank his teeth into Eddy's brother's free arm. Eddy raised up the trophy and smashed it against the side of his brother's head. The stem broke, and Eddy tossed it aside.

Dizzy, but angrier than ever, Eddy's brother flew at Eddy, who scrambled up the stuffed camel and began to pummel his brother with anything he could get his hands on. Eddy's brother grabbed the camel's legs and prepared to shake Eddy down. Ed jumped on his back and grasped Eddy's brother's scalp. "I'd kill you if you weren't already dead, zombie!" Ed announced and shoved Eddy's brother's face right into an armpit equipped with three weeks worth of unwashed stench.