Evolving

Today/Tomorrow & After That

So what do I want to do with my future? That's a good question. Everyone always asks that: "where do you see yourself in five years?" I think it's crap. You can't guess correctly at what you'll be doing in five years. I can't even guess at what I'm going to be doing in five days. The only schedule I keep is my work schedule, and even that changes weekly.
I have no idea where I'll be in the future. If you would have asked me that back in March, I would have said I saw myself with Cameron, living somewhere, anywhere, wherever he wanted me to be, because I don't care where I live as long as I am with someone I love. If you would have asked me that a year ago, I would have said I saw myself literally anywhere except for my hometown, because I have hated that place for as long as I can remember; the sleepy, small town feel never appealed to me. I always wanted to feel awake; alive. I wanted to feel like I was breathing.
If you were to ask me that question today.. I'm not sure what I would say. Right now, I'm living day by day. I don't know what my tomorrow, or my next week, or my next year will look like. I barely know what I'm going to do for the rest of today.
I can tell you what I hope for, though. I hope that my past stays behind me. I hope that my future before me is bright. I hope I can get my degree and sail through college with good grades and my friends beside me. I hope that if I'm lucky, someday, I'll be able to be secure enough in myself that I can enter into a relationship without losing who I am. I hope that I find someone who loves me for me and who is as ready to try and put work in as I am. If that person turns out to be someone from my romantic past, then I'll count myself lucky, because they've seen me at my lowest, but still came back. If I never see them again, I'll release a breath of relief, because I'll be able to start new with someone who will be counted not as the next chapter in my life, but simply a piece of the plot.
I will not let anyone be my story. I will be my story. There will be no "this man is the next chapter." Anyone who enters into my life, friendly or romantic or simply a passerby, will simply be a sentence in the plot that is my life. My story is mine, and others will share in it, but they will not make choices for me. I know this sort of seems like rambling, and it probably doesn't make much sense, but that's what it is, really - senseless rambling. It's what I'm best at. Anyways.
I hope that great things will come my way. I know that I would be naive to hope for all of the bad to be behind me. I know there will be plenty of bad, terrible, horrible experiences I will have in the future. I know I will cry and scream and probably throw things. But I will also laugh, and smile, and dance around in my kitchen until my feet hurt. I will have so many memorable experiences - you know, those experiences that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life. I'll remember a certain small detail in everything I do, and I'll write them down so I don't forget, just in case. I'll take tons of pictures and videos and upload them to social media. I'll travel the world, if I'm lucky, but at bare minimum I want to travel the states. I want to go on a road trip with my best friends, living out of a car and hotels as we travel the coasts and cross the entire country, seeing everything the states have to show us. I will find a love that is pure and true, and it will have its ups and downs, but that doesn't matter. I was once told that the love you are meant to love does not come early, and it does not come late, it comes at precisely the moment that you are ready for it. All of the love that I believed I felt in the past - those were not the right moments for me to be ready for. If the people from my past come back, then it is the right time, but if they don't, then I'll know that they were just practice; lessons to be learned. I always have room to learn, and I want to take advantage of it.
Now, like I said. I don't know what my future will hold, and I do not know what my tomorrow will hold, but I do know what tonight holds: I am going to get in my pajamas, watch a romantic comedy, and I'm going to eat ice cream and pizza rolls and dance around in my kitchen to my favorite music. Tonight I'll live it up, and I won't have any regrets, and then tomorrow I'll miss the sun good morning because it'll be a new day and I'll be able to figure out what I'll do all over again.

xo