Steve Rogers » Imagines & Preferences

I'm sorry.

Guys, I need a little break. It's none of you, it's me.

I know I've been a terrible author, making all of these promises I can't keep apparently.

My anxiety and depression have skyrocketed. My mood swings are terrible, I can't even go five minutes without a stupid reason to cry.

I wish I could explain. I really want to. But that seems like an attention seeking thing. I really wish you guys could know what it's like for me on these days, so that you won't question it.

I guess I could sum it up, though.

I have terrible depression ever since my mom died. I didn't talk to my family for five months. I've even been bullied a few times. People make fun of my appearance giving me terrible anxiety and insecurities. I always need to know if I look good enough for people, or if I'm good enough for them.

I can't go a day without crying. I'm crying as you read this. It's eating me alive, and counseling does nothing for me. I feel as though everything goes downhill for me all the time. Nothing good can last for me. Nothing happy can stay in my mind.

I have a short temper. One small thing to you is huge for me, and will set me off immediately. My sister always makes fun of me and says "Anger Issues!" It really bothers me. She's oblivious, and 12. But I don't know if I have a touch of bipolar disorder, because I've had several symptoms that come with it. But I don't wanna let myself know that I might have it.

I have a part-time eating disorder. It comes across every now and then, to where I won't eat for a period of time. I just live off water for about four to six days. I hardly eat food to begin with, but this makes it worse. Now, I'm gunna tell you this. And I hate this. I'm 6 foot tall at 15, and my weight is 213. People say "oh you're just tall." Well yes, I know that already. "Rae, your family has a big body frame." I know that too. But I should be around 180. Which still seems like to much to me. But I exercise a lot, running around my house and going up and down the stairs a lot. I'm a little bit obsessed with trying to lose weight.

Panic/anxiety attacks happen often. Normally when I'm alone, thinking of my past were terrible things happened. But I get them in public a lot too. I'm terrified of going out in front of people unless I'm with a certain person. Which sets my dad off because I don't want to be around him.

He is a terrible father. I hardly have food at my house to begin with! I sleep in an unfinished room, and I haven't had TV or wifi in three years. I know, it sounds stupid of me to say that but I don't have a lot of things. Lights in my house go out all the time, and we have mice.

I don't know what's wrong with me either, like I said, it's terrible. I need to see a professional Doctor.

I'm so sorry, guys. I need to change and make this book better and stuff.. But it's hard right now.

I'll still be on here, but I want to wait to update. I'm so sorry.

Also, there is a local arson. Well, I think it's an arson. Four buildings (tree restaurants and one mechanics shop) have burned down in the past week or two. The mechanics shop actually caught on fire around midnight, last night.

Anyways, I'll be back with an imagine soon.

I'm still available for requests. I'm still going to write.

But I need to order out my life.

I love you all,
Rae