Rough | ✔️

Conflict of Interest

 
You were beautiful—

Like an ocean. 

Like an ocean, you had the capacity to simultaneously make someone's day and drown them beneath your waves. 

It's incredible how the best way to describe a person is to compare them to something else; and how horrible and sad that you're an ocean.  A vast abyss of deep waters for me to get lost in. 

Navigating your mind was like finding my way back to shore without a map;  without a compass.  Once in, I get stuck staring into the dark blue wonder and contemplating all the ways you make me smile. 

You are frightening. You are intriguing. 

How far must I fall in order to get to the bottom of you?  How long must I drown before you kill me? 

Loving you was a constant battle.  A conflict of interest. 

Loving you suffocated me, isolated me.

Loving you killed me, yet still gave me a purpose.

You put me in the middle of the ocean and took away my boat. 

Loving you was the bravest thing I've done, the most idiotic thing I've done, the worst thing I've ever done for myself...

I learned a lot from you, even though you were toxic. You taught me things.  

I discovered that people have secrets.  People lie.  People change, and not always for the better—Hardly ever do people change for the better.

I learned that being yourself is okay. 

I learned that caring what others think isn't always the best thing to do.

I learned that it's easier to ignore someone than you might think.

I learned that even when someone claims to love you, they'll stick the knife in your back on the turn of a dime. 

I learned that the ocean is scary—dangerous, no matter how beautiful she looks from the beach. 

Once you wade into her waters, you get sucked in.  Before you know it she's shoving you under, waiting for you to run away. 

Funny thing is, I never once wanted to run.

Loving you is rough.  Like a sailor loving the waves of a stormy ocean.

We wait out the storm. Because there is nothing more extraordinary than the ocean after a rain.